Closet Hedonists Are We

 

Chapter Eighteen: He Bit My Lip and Drank My War From Years Before

Jade gently held Kay's trembling form, his heart pumping with both joy and panic. He wanted to sit there in the rain forever and savor her scent and her arms around his waist, yet he was horrified at the bloody wound on her forehead, and his ears were filled with Kay's sobs.

"Kay, who did this to you?" he asked, stroking Kay's hair. A wild thought came to his mind - what if Gerard...?

There was a long silence. "Gerard... I found another woman's underwear in his pillowcase."

Jade's hackles rose in fury. "And he hit you?" How dare he?

"Yes," choked Kay.

Jade clutched Kay even tighter, rage building in his chest. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to run up to that apartment and wring Gerard's neck. I'll kill him.

He didn't realize he'd spoken the thought aloud until Kay replied tremulously, "Don't say that."

"I'm sorry." Jade resumed stroking her hair. One of his fingertips came away scarlet, and he remembered Kay's head wound.

"We need to patch your head up. Come back to my place, I can put some stuff on it."

Kay stiffened in his arms. "I... I have to go back soon."

"No, Kay, you're in no state to go back." Heat rose from Jade's veins again. He'd die a thousand deaths to keep Kay from returning to Gerard. "He hit you, he drew blood..."

"I approached him the wrong way, we had a misunderstanding..."

"What misunderstanding is there when you know the truth?"

Kay burst into tears again. "Oh God..."

"Kay... Kay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!" Jade tried frantically to calm her. "It's alright, it's alright... I'm so sorry." He knew he was pushing her too far.

"At least let me take care of that cut," he pleaded gently when Kay had quieted. "Please, Kay." Kay was silent for a few long moments. Then she nodded wordlessly.

Jade helped Kay to her feet and let her lean on him. Slowly, they made their way across the park to Jade's car. Jade supported Kay as she got into the passenger seat, then got into the driver's seat and started the car. As he drove, Jade slid sideways looks at Kay, who seemed to shrink in the seat, her head bowed and her eyes red from crying. He wanted to say something to comfort her further, but was afraid of upsetting her already fragile state of mind. Therefore, he was relieved when the painfully silent drive ended and they got out in the drive of his house.

Jade led Kay into the kitchen and sat her down in a chair. She sat still as death, her eyes staring into nothing, as he rummaged through the cabinet where he kept his band aids and antiseptics while he was off-tour. He ran a towel under hot water, turned and put it to the injured side of Kay's forehead. She winced, then relaxed as Jade put a hand over the opposite side of Kay's head, calming her. She sat still, her eyes closed, while he gently cleaned the cut, rubbed antiseptic over it and bandaged it.

He held her head for a few more moments. "Are you alright?" he asked tenderly. Kay slowly nodded.

"Can I get you anything? I have some herbal tea."

"Okay. Thanks, Jade." Kay sat in silence as Jade made tea. She tentatively took the warm mug he handed to her.

"Drink it, you'll feel better," he coaxed her. As she obediently brought the mug to her lips, Jade noted how hollow her eyes were. Sitting beside her, he put an arm around her and rubbed her shoulder.

"Thank you Jade," she whispered hoarsely.

"It's alright," he answered, not knowing what else to say. They sat in silence, as she drank the tea and he continued to gently rub her shoulder. We could sit like this forever, he thought. Jade could feel her thin shoulder and the strap of her bra through the thin layers of her jacket and shirt. If I could just keep her here. He knew his thoughts and actions were out of line, but there were prevailing circumstances... and it wasn't like she was stopping him.

"Have you eaten?" he asked gently. She nodded.

"We ate before we went to see Chris in the hospital."

"Oh yeah, Davey told us he woke up. That's wonderful."

"Yeah..." Kay looked down into her tea. "I can't stay for long," she said suddenly. "Gerard will be looking for me..."

"But Kay!" No, I can't let her go! "You don't have to go back, and you shouldn't. He hurt you..."

"He didn't mean to," Kay protested weakly. "Anyway, he's leaving tomorrow on the Projekt Revolution tour tomorrow, we won't see each other for a while, and I don't want us to part on this note."

"Kay..." Jade bowed his head, thinking of what to say. "Kay, do you want to go back now? Do you really, really want to go back?" Kay looked away.

"No," she finally answered. "Not now."

"Stay here until you've cleared your head. You're in no shape to go back to Gerard as is," Jade pleaded, slightly relieved. Kay nodded slowly. "What's more, you look exhausted. Do you want to get a little sleep?"

 "Well... sure. Could I take your couch?"

"You know, I can let you have my bed. I can take the couch for tonight."

"Are you sure...?"

"Of course. Just for the night. Please, Kay, I want you to."

"Oh... alright."

Gently, Jade led Kay to his bedroom. He pulled out a T-shirt and pajama pants and handed them to her. "Here... these might be a bit big for you, but I think they're fine."

"Thanks... are you sure you don't mind me taking your bed?"

"No, no, really Kay. It's the least I can do for a friend." Inwardly he cringed at the use of the word "friend," remembering his confession to her a couple months ago. Speaking of which, did she remember that as well...? But Kay showed no sign of remembering, and took the pajamas.

"Well, I'll leave you alone now. Get some rest." He smiled at her and turned to the door.

"Thanks, Jade. Good night."

As Jade headed downstairs, he heard the bedroom door close. He shivered slightly at the thought of Kay undressing and slipping into his clothes right above his head. He shook his head, pulled out a blanket from behind one of his couch cushions, lay down on the couch and spread the cover over himself.

So what now? Kay was in his house. He'd always dreamed of having her in his house. But what was going to happen in the morning? Would she stay? Would she leave? Was it even right for him to even contemplate making her stay?

Oh, he was over thinking this. They'd talk about it in the morning, when they'd both had some rest. With that thought, Jade rolled onto his side and fell into a shallow, fitful sleep.

-------------

It was still dark when Kay cracked one eye open. The digital clock on the dresser read 4:30 a.m. In the window, there was a touch of gold at the bottom of the navy-blue morning sky. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep again, but couldn't. Damn, I've toured too much. Stupid 4:00 wake-up calls.

As she nestled under the warm covers, she remembered where she was: Jade's house. Her hazy mind slowly unwound the events of last night. She winced slightly as she remembered Gerard's blow to her face. The physical pain was nowhere near to the pain in her heart. He was her fiancé, her lover, and he'd struck her just like that. No doubt he was probably sorry... but how could he? What's more, he was cheating on her. Again. What would she have done if Jade hadn't found her in the park?

Oh yes, Jade. Kay hadn't brought it up last night, but she remembered full well his confession to her at the hospital. She'd avoided looking him directly in the eye, for whenever she did, she saw in his gaze the same hurt and lost puppy who'd declared his love for her. His feelings hadn't changed, that much was clear.

That being said, why was she still here? Why was she mooching off a guy who wasn't her fiancé?

He's my friend. I can't discard him just like that. After all, he's always been loyal.

Loyalty. That was what Kay wanted in any friend, any lover. And that was what Jade had. When she was in need, Jade had thrown everything aside to help her. Last night, he hadn't taken advantage of her vulnerability. He'd bandaged her cut, given her a drink and a place to stay. If they ever really did get together, Kay had no doubt that his loyalty would remain just as unconditional.

If we got together. Would she want that? Did she want to be with Jade? Would he be worth it? Would he mean anything next to the years she'd given to Gerard?

As if in answer to her thoughts, the door creaked open in the far corner of the room. Kay quickly jammed her eyes shut and pretended to sleep. She heard Jade's light tread on the carpeted floor towards the bed. The hairs on her arms stood up. What was he doing...?

But she felt the side of the bed dip slightly as he sat down. Out of one eye, she saw him gaze at her and look away. She heard her name whispered under his breath. And then nothing more. He just sat there, staring into space.

After a minute, Kay decided to drop the act. Slowly, she sat up. "Jade? Is something wrong?" she called out softly.

Jade jumped and turned to face her, looking slightly guilty. "Oh... no... I, uh... wanted to see how you were doing. Sorry."

"No, that's fine. I'm good. Couldn't you sleep? It's a little early."

"Well, not really." A pause. "H-How's your head?"

"Oh, I think it's better. It doesn't sting anymore." Kay brought a hand to her forehead. "Thank you, Jade."

"No problem."

They sat in silence. Then Kay leaned forward. "Jade... you told me once about Gerard, and... do you know who she is?"

Jade swallowed and nodded. "She... she's Lyn-Z. From Mindless Self-Indulgence."

"Lyn-Z." It all made sense now. "L."

"What?"

"Those emails I found in Gerard's inbox. They were all signed with an 'L'... It all fits." She sighed and hung her head. "How did you know?"

"I was driving away from your hospital, and I saw him... with her. Then I was in the FYE buying your Saosin album, and I recognized her on the Projekt Rev banner."

"Projekt Rev??" Kay felt as if she'd been kicked in the stomach. "So he's touring with her! Oh God, Jade, I've been blind!"

"I'm very sorry, Kay, I..."

"No, I've been terrible to you! I said horrid things to you the last time we talked... I... Christ..." She dropped her head into her hands.

"He's your fiancé, Kay, I really don't blame you."

"But you're my friend, one of my best friends... I'm so stupid..."

"Please don't be like that, Kay. Really, I understand. I just... I hated seeing you being cheated, because I l - " He faltered and turned away, but Kay knew where he was going.

"Jade..." She reached out to him.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want to see you hurt, that's all... yeah." Jade tried unsuccessfully to shake the awkwardness of the moment off.

Kay sighed. "That's not exactly how you put it when we last spoke."

A pause. "Why are you bringing that up?" Jade's voice was tight and pained.

"I... I don't know. Did you mean it?" She needed to confirm it and hear him say it.

Jade faced her again, a line of tears forming in his eyes. "How can you ask me that? Why would I tell you a lie if it would only make you hate me?"

"I don't hate you, Jade!"

"I know, but you did when I told you."

"No, I didn't hate you because of that! I was angry because of what you said about Gerard! But you were right! You were right about everything... it's just that, we're engaged."

"So why are you bringing this up? It doesn't matter anyhow, you're getting married, your love life won't involve me!"

"Then why did you tell me at the hospital?"

"You asked me what was wrong with me, and I gave you an answer, because it's all true! I love you, I can't help it. I would feel otherwise if I could but I can't. You don't know how it's tortured me to see you with a man who does these things to you! If I were in Gerard's place, I would never do what he did last night! I would never have cheated for so long behind your back! I would do anything to make you happy!" Jade's eyes were bright and intent on Kay, but when he finished speaking he seemed to droop, exhausted from this release.

"But it's no use. You're engaged, you love him, and if you're still happy with him, I'll be happy for you."

Kay watched him, and her heart bled. "Jade... you know I hate watching you hurt. Now I know you... love me..." she struggled with the word, "and I'll know you're not happy. I'll know that when you smile at me, you're lying to me."

"Then just be with me." The words spilled out of Jade's mouth without a thought. "If you hate watching me hurt, then be with me." His eyes were wide and pleading.

Kay knew she could shatter him with a word at this moment. She knew she should reject him, and she knew he expected it... but she couldn't. In her heart she knew she could never refuse him. At that moment, looking into his eyes, she knew that no matter how she denied it, she wanted this. She wanted Jade.

Her thoughts stopped right there as their lips bumped together. They both gasped at the same time, but neither drew away. She felt Jade's lips move tentatively against hers, and she did the same. They pressed their mouths closer together, and Kay felt Jade's hand clutch her arm and heat rising from between their legs. Her free hand reached up to cup his cheek as they exchanged kiss after tender kiss. Jade whimpered at the touch of Kay's smooth palm. His hand slid under the hem of her shirt, gently stroking the skin of her torso. She whimpered against his lips and her hand traveled from his face to grab the hem of his shirt.

Kay was so absorbed in their heated kisses that she barely noticed Jade had pulled her shirt off until he began to run his hands over her breasts. She inhaled sharply and tugged wildly at his shirt, running her fingers across his skin and the lean muscles underneath. Jade drew away momentarily to pull off his shirt before gently but firmly pushing Kay back onto the bed. He pulled away the covers to slip her pajama bottoms down her white thighs and over the beige bandage wrapped tightly around her calf. Jade briefly ran his hand over the injured leg, then bent over her to ravage her neck while he reached down to unfasten his jeans.

"C-condom," Kay gasped out as Jade kicked away his pants and gnawed at her neck. Without pausing in his advances, he reached over into the drawer of the nightstand and felt around for the abandoned stack of condoms he'd placed there long ago. His trembling fingers fished out one packet, and he drew back briefly to tear it open and hastily roll the latex over himself. Minding her injury, he reached down to spread her legs and placed himself between them. As he positioned himself over her, he cupped her face between his palms.

"K-Kay... are you sure you want this?" he asked, breathing heavily and propping himself on his elbows.

Kay stared up at him incredulously through her heated delirium. "Now? You're asking me now??" She reached up and grabbed fistfuls of his hair. "Finish what you've started, fool, before we deal with what I want!" She pulled him down and bit his lip.

The pain did it for Jade. He dove into Kay, and began ramming into her with abandon. Kay cried out and arched her back, for she had not felt this way for a long time. No one had made love to her with such passion in ages. Everything she saw, felt and heard was Jade. She felt her good leg wind itself around his smooth, slender waist, her nails digging into his shoulders as his mouth devoured her neck, her skin rubbing against his as he filled her hot, latent body with his flesh over and over. She was in awe of the arch of his spine, his lean and muscular arms straining to support the rest of him. At the edges of her consciousness, she heard the bedsprings groaning softly beneath them and the headboard gently thumping the wall behind her head. A few minutes later when they both climaxed, screaming each other's names, Kay felt wetness on his cheek. As they lay there panting, their bodies still connected, Kay looked to the side and saw that Jade's eyes were closed, trails of tears leaking from under the lids.

"Jade? What's wrong?" She brushed her fingers against his wet cheek.

"I... I love you Kay," he sobbed. "I'm so in love with you... I love you too much..."

"Shh... shhh..." She gently kissed away the wet trails. "Don't cry, Jade, don't cry."

When Jade had calmed down, he slowly pulled out of her, tugged off the condom and threw it into the waste bin by the bed. He crawled back into Kay's arms and reclined against her body, burying his face in her neck. Kay gently stroked his hair, and soon he fell fast asleep. Tired as she was as well, she lay awake for a half hour or so thinking about what had just passed. As content and loved as she felt at this moment, she knew that she was running into another complication.

 

 

 Yes! They finally got together! But remember, Kay is still "officially" with Gerard...

I know this story's been terribly depressing, but I promise, things are going to pick up. I hope you guys aren't getting bored with me, what with my delayed updates due to college work. Bear with me.

 

Chapter Seventeen: You're Running Out of Places To Hide From Me

"Gerard?"

"Hm?"

"Did you hear me? I just asked you if we're going out or staying in for dinner tonight." Kay was getting frustrated. Gerard always needed to be asked twice about things these days, and it didn't help that she was lugging around a cast on her leg. It certainly didn't help that in the week she'd been out of the hospital, her guitarist had not improved in his condition. Every time she went back to visit, Chris was still in comatose.

"I mean, we can just have takeout," she suggested feebly, knowing that either option didn't matter to Gerard. He constantly stared into space when he was around her, it seemed. Like he wasn't there with her in this relationship. He just wasn't in the apartment with her, even though he was leaving on the Projekt Revolution tour tomorrow.

"Sure," he replied carelessly, not looking up from the copy of Watchmen that he wasn't really reading. "Up to you."

Kay looked at him for a few moments. Gerard still took no notice of his discontented fiancée, but merely ran a hand through his disheveled hair and absentmindedly pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He still hasn't quit. He told me he would. She felt her irritation grow as the cigarette smoke crept up her nostrils. She could take it no longer.

"I thought I told you," she fumed, stomping over and snatching the cigarette out of her stunned fiancé's fingers, "not to smoke in our goddamn apartment!!" Kay threw the burning paper cylinder on the floor and ground it under her good foot.

"Hey! What the fuck is this?" Gerard stood up, looking at Kay in both surprise and irritation.

"I've told you over and over not to smoke in the apartment, and you've never stopped! You promised me you'd stop - "

"Hold on one sec! First of all, this is not actually our apartment, it's a rental that we got because your guitarist is in a goddamn coma! Second, why are you acting like this? I don't mind that you tell me not to smoke, but don't just snatch out of my fucking hand! Kay... " Kay had started back towards the kitchen. "Kay, what's up? What's going on? You've been in a terrible mood. I understand, Chris is in the hospital, and your leg is busted. I'd be pretty pissed off if any of My Chem was in the hospital in a coma. But I'm starting to not get you. You can tell me anything..."

"Oh Gerard, of course you don't get me! You've been sitting around smoking and staring into space and pretending to read Watchmen! You haven't been talking to me, how could I possibly talk to you?!"

"And that means you can crush my goddamn cigarette?"

"This is not about the fucking cigarette!!"

"Then what is it then, huh? Wait a sec... that Jade Puget! You haven't been the same since you came home from the hospital, and before you left he visited you! What happened with him? Something happened with him, isn't that it?!"

"Dammit, Gerard, leave the man alone. What's Jade Puget got to do with anything? You don't even know him."

"But you do, don't you? Something happened..."

"This is how it's always been, Gerard! You could always blame anybody but yourself!"

"Then what am I doing wrong, Kay? Tell me!"

"I... I don't know, you're just not here! You're not here with me in this relationship! You sit around and smoke and stare at some graphic novel or your comic book storyboards or nothing! I'm the one who doesn't get you! So much is going on that I've never had to deal with before, in all my years of touring! Half my band's tour is cancelled, and we don't know if we'll get any of the venues back for a couple years. Our guitarist, the closest thing to my kid brother, is on the edge of death! I can't perform because I have these thing clamped to my leg! And now you... you're in another world, in your perfect rock star comic book world! What should I do, Gerard, you tell me!" With that she collapsed heavily into one of the kitchen chairs, her forehead propped up on her elbows.

"Kay... Kay, I'm sorry." Gerard knelt in front of her and took her by the shoulders. "Things have been going so well for me, I forget sometimes, all the shit you're going through. I love you, Kay, really I do."

A shadow of doubt cast itself over Kay's mind, but she could not resist when Gerard cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. "I only want the best for you and me, Kay, truly."

Then are you faithful? She thought.

"Look Kay, we'll visit Chris at the hospital tonight, and I'll take you out to dinner. How does that sound?"

Kay looked into his eyes and saw a flash of the Gerard she'd fallen in love with in her college days - the Gerard who adhered to her every whim and would go to the ends of the earth for her. The Gerard her heart had always beaten for. I still love him.

"Kay, I'm going on Projekt Rev tomorrow. Can't we enjoy this last day?"

"Alright, Gerard," she replied. She ran a hand through his thick black hair and kissed him.  "I love you, Gerard."

------------------

Davey sat by Chris's bedside, holding his ex's limp hand. Beside the bed, the heart monitor beeped away, while a feeding tube pumped nutrients into the man's mouth. Around the room were strewn flowers and cards from fans, all wishing that their favorite lead guitarist would wake up soon.

"Hey Chris," Davey greeted weakly. "It's May now. AFI just finished their Decemberunderground tour. Jade and I are working on the Blaqk Audio songs. We're going to release the first album in July."

Chris's eyes stirred underneath the lids. The doctors said that he had entered a prolonged state of REM sleep and was dreaming. Davey thought of how he'd pay anything to see what his boyfriend was dreaming of.

"Everyone in AFI has been asking about you. They all want to know if you're okay." Chris did not stir, but his eyes kept moving. Davey blinked away a tear. Chris was much thinner than he was when they'd first met, but he was as delicately beautiful as ever.

"You were always beautiful, Chris, so beautiful. I've told you so many times, but I meant it every time. That was the first thing I noticed about you when me met. You looked like an angel that day..." And then he realized he was rambling. As if this will make him get better. Oh God, this is all my fault.

"Can you hear me, Chris?" Davey pleaded, his voice quivering. "I need to know if you're in pain. I need you to wake up!" He wiped away the tears crowding into his eyes.

He thought of what Jade had found out from Kay, that Chris had been cutting and moping about the tour bus, that he'd been eating less and less. Davey winced, looking at the slashes on Chris's arms again. He had only wanted the best for himself and the man he loved, but had only succeeded in breaking his heart and driving him to near suicide.

 "I love you Chris, so much. Please wake up! I couldn't live with myself if you go! Don't leave me here alone!" And he collapsed over the bed, clutching Chris's hand.

And Chris's hand clutched his.

Davey looked up, not daring to believe it. He watched, wide-eyed, as Chris's head turned to the side on the pillows. Chris groaned, then choked slightly on the feeding tube. His body shifted on the mattress, as he steadily rose into consciousness.

"Doctor! Doctor!" Davey called out as he pressed the emergency button. He turned back to Chris. "Chris, baby, it's me! It's Davey!"

A doctor and a nurse rushed in, pushing Davey aside. He watched, his heart pounding, as the doctor pulled the feeding tube from Chris's throat. As he did so, Chris opened his eyes, surveying the room wildly.

"Chris, it's alright, you're in the hospital," said the doctor.

"H-How long?" the guitarist croaked.

"You have been in a coma for a month. It is now May. How are you feeling?"

Chris slowly opened his mouth to answer, when he turned his head and saw Davey. Davey gave a small smile. Chris could only stare back.

"Well, this gentleman has come in as often as he can, as have the rest of your bandmates. Your fans in and out of the hospital have also taken care to wish you well... I think I'll leave you two alone now," said the doctor. "Call if you need anything." He and the nurse retreated from the room.

Davey stepped forward. "Chris."

"Davey?"

Davey went awkwardly to his bedside. "Are you alright?" he asked, unsure of himself.

"Davey... I thought... why?"

"Chris... I... Oh Chris, I'm sorry!" Davey fell to his knees by the bed. "I never wanted to hurt you ever! I just wanted your life to be easier, better. I loved you the whole time, I always did! When I found out you were in a coma, I was so afraid..."

"Davey," Chris interrupted softly. "Calm down. I'm not dead." Slowly he reached out and brushed the top of Davey's head.

Davey brightened slightly at the touch. "D-Does this mean you'll take me back?"

Chris looked at him for a few long moments. "Davey... if I hadn't been hurt, would you still have taken me back?"

Davey's shoulders slumped a little. He'd never thought of how they'd resolve their relationship when Chris woke up, he'd just hoped Chris would get better. It'd never occurred to him that Chris would have difficulty forgiving him.

"But Chris, I still love you! They were all right about us, Jade and Kay and the others, we belong together! I know now, nothing would have kept us apart forever. Please, Chris, give me another chance," Davey begged, panicking as Chris turned away. He'd spent a month fearing that his lover was at death's door, and he wasn't ready for rejection.

"I don't know, Davey. I was hurt when you left me..."

"And I'll do anything to make it up to you. We can go back to the way our relationship was before, maybe it can be something more! I don't want us to be apart again."

"But what if you decide that you were right, and that this relationship really can't work out? I do love you Davey, but I couldn't stand the pain again."

"I won't! It won't ever be that way!"

"Gerard must have said those things to Kay when she took him back," said Chris quietly, more to himself than to Davey. "And Gerard is still the bastard he always was."

"But I'm not Gerard!" cried Davey. "I love you as much as any human can love another human being!"

"Only time will tell."

Silence fell in the room. Davey was stunned and lost for words. "So you... you don't want me?"

"I do, Davey. But I couldn't stand being hurt again."

"But... Chris..."

"Please, can we not talk about this? Just sit down and tell me what's happened in the last month."

Davey opened his mouth to plead again, but Chris was staring blankly at the white sterile ceiling. He sighed and sat heavily on the bed, and as he spoke he kept his body slightly turned away, so that Chris could not see the tear that traced a silver line down his face.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, congratulations, Kay," said Gerard as they walked through the apartment door. "I guess your whole band will be back on their feet soon."

"Yeah, just two more weeks or so to make sure he's stable, and we'll be good to go!" Kay put down her bag and fumbled for her cell. "Let's see, I already called Jimmy about the tour... I'm gonna call Meg and Gordon, they are going to be so happy!"

"Okay, you do that..."

Kay headed to their room, pulling out her Sidekick. Her heart fluttered with excitement. Chris was awake, and he would be up and running within two weeks. And maybe he and Davey...

Oh yes, Davey had been there at the hospital. He'd been sitting at Chris's bedside when she and Gerard had arrived, looking rather crestfallen. Had Chris spurned him upon awakening? Well, she really couldn't blame him, what with Davey breaking his heart like that. But if they truly loved each other, it would be such a shame... after all, I did take back Gerard, didn't I?

Kay sighed as she flipped through her phone's address book for her bandmates' numbers. As she did, she reached over to adjust a pillow on Gerard's side of the bed.

What was this?

A red thong poked out of the pillow case.

Since when did I have a red thong? Since when did my underwear turn up in Gerard's pillow cases?

Kay felt the familiar iron fist of fear clench around her heart as she took the garish piece of lingerie between her fingertips.

No, I never had a thong, I never had bright colored underwear. I know that. It can only mean one thing.

Jade's words came back to her. He's being unfaithful to you now, as we speak... I can't stand by and watch you get hurt even more because you didn't face the truth.

"Oh God!" Kay sat heavily on the bed. What did she do to deserve this? Why her? Why her fiancé?

Is Jade right? Have I been in denial all along?

The red thong still hung from her fingers.

Kay got up shakily and limped out to the hallway. She could see Gerard in the living room... lighting a cigarette.

This can't go on.

"G-Gerard."

"Hm? Kay?"

"W-What is this?" As she entered the living room area, she held up the thong.

And there! She saw it. Gerard very clearly blanched at the sight of the thong before coughing a little and collecting himself.

"What do you mean? Isn't that yours?"

"Bullshit, Gerard! This is not mine and you know it! You know I don't wear thongs like this, much less red ones! This, this is buttfloss!" She threw it on the floor. "I want you to tell me right now, who was in this apartment before I came out of the hospital?"

"What..."

"I want to know, Gerard! Busy on tour, indeed! You had enough time to take a woman into our apartment, but you only had time to see me once in the hospital..."

"Dammit, Kay! That's enough!" Gerard snapped, jumping to his feet. "I've had enough of these fucking accusations from you!"

"And I've had enough of your lies!"

"Lies?? Kay, how are we going to make it if you keep all these suspicions running through your head, if you keep rummaging through my goddamn stuff? This is fucking ridiculous!"

"You're the one who's ridiculous! I was in that hospital with a concussion, with this morphine in my blood and my goddamn bleeding leg in a cast! But you didn't bother to come see me as soon as you found out our bus crashed! No, you were just a couple miles away, cuddling with Miss Red Thong..."

"Shut up!"

"Look who's talking, you man-whore!"

SMACK.

Kay didn't see Gerard's hand coming towards her, only the malicious wrath in his face, but she felt the backside impact against her cheek and the blow knocked her head into the wall. She cried out, clutching simultaneously at her forehead and her face. To her horror, the hand on her forehead came away wet with scarlet. Gerard had re-opened the wound from the bus accident.

"Oh, Kay..." The anger melted from Gerard's face, replaced with horrified regret. He knelt beside her. "Kay, I'm so sorry... come here..."

Just then, a flare of rage went up in Kay's heart. "Get away from me!" she shrieked, shoving Gerard away from her and stumbling to her feet. "You bastard!"

"Kay, please..." Gerard scrambled after her. "I'm sorry!"

"Get away! Get the FUCK away!" She limped as fast as she could to the door and opened it.

"No, Kay! Baby, where are you going?"

"Don't call me that!" And she slammed the door behind her.

She ran down the stairs and out the apartment building. She ran down the street, not caring where she was going. As she ran she cried. She cried for the life she'd wanted, the one that was crumbling once more before her very eyes. There was once again a void opening, and it was sucking her in.

Why? Why?

The night rushed by her. It was raining, and the drops cut at her face. It's just like that first time... This was all too familiar. History, all her mistakes, they were repeating themselves.

As Kay ran out of breath, she realized she was in the park. At this time of night, it was deserted. A swing set creaked eerily. A light breeze ruffled the darkened and wet grass. Goosebumps rose on her arms.

Clutching her arms around herself in the rain, she walked toward the white gazebo that stood a stone's throw away. When she reached it, she sat down on one of the damp benches. What was she going to do now?

But she could think of no more to do but cry, which she did so with her head in her hands. She wept bitterly, wallowing in her dark, blank misery. She felt useless, vulnerable. So inadequate.

"Kay?"

Kay jumped at the sound of the voice. She looked up and saw a figure coming towards her. Flinching at first, she inspected it... him. She gasped.

"Jade?" Her voice cracked.

"Kay, what are you doing here?" Jade sprinted towards her and came up the steps of the gazebo. "Kay... are you bleeding?"

Kay sat there dumbly, tears streaming down her face. As Jade drew nearer, she could see the care and concern in his face, even in the dark. His gaze strayed to her forehead... and the blood on it.

"Oh, Kay, what happened to you?"

Kay turned away, shaking her head. She choked on a sob when Jade touched her shoulder. He sat beside her, and she let him put his arms around her and draw her close. Kay threw her arms around his waist and cried openly into his chest. She felt his palm press the back of her head.

"You poor thing... it's alright, Kay. It'll be okay," he cooed to her, stroking her damp hair.

"Oh, Jade!"

They clutched each other in the dark of the gazebo, as the rain came down around them.

 

 

 

Chapter Sixteen: Nothing You Can Say Can Stop Me Going Home

 

Jade parked Smith's car in the lot of FYE and went in. He'd promised Kay that he'd pick up Saosin's debut album for her - her iPod had been smashed in the bus crash, and she was dying of boredom. Sure, she didn't exactly ask him to buy the CD for her, but he just wanted to do something for her.

 

He'd gone back to the hospital and visited Kay whenever he could. Kay could now move about in a wheelchair, and sometimes, the nurses allowed him to take her outside to the terrace. There, they talked as long as Jade's schedule and the visitor times would allow. Underneath her cheerfulness and smiles, however, Jade could tell that Kay was unhappy. Aside from worry about the future of her band, Jade knew Kay also harbored fears in the back of her mind about her coming marriage.

 

Jade was at a loss as to whether to tell Kay about Gerard's infidelity. He wasn't sure if it was his place to tell her, or if she'd even believe him. But Jade became heated when he heard about Gerard's abandonment of his fiancée. Gerard had only visited Kay once since the accident, and Jade had been leaving just as he came in. As Jade exited Kay's room, he'd looked up to see Gerard approaching. Jade gave him a curt nod, which Gerard returned, but with a suspicious gleam in his eyes. Jade couldn't help but feel a sense of bitter satisfaction at his rival's jealousy. It was what the jackass deserved.

 

In the store there was a promo poster for the Projekt Revolution tour, which Kay had said that MCR would be playing at this summer. She'd wanted to check out some of the other bands in the lineup, Saosin being on of them.

 

Jade went to the "S" section of the rock/pop section and found Saosin. He selected the limited edition album with the extra DVD and bonus tracks. A small smile came to his face; he knew Kay liked the special edition of anything.

 

As he went to pay for the CD, he looked back up at the Projekt Revolution poster. One of the bands' names caught his eye. A thought came to his mind.

 

That girl on the bench with Gerard...

 

He ran back to the CD section, searching for the right band. He grabbed one of the albums and surveyed cover photo of the members.

 

Eureka!

 

"Gotcha," he whispered.

 

------------

 

"Jade, could you hand me my other crutch? It's over there... thanks." Kay gathered her crutches together as she adjusted herself in the wheelchair, in the midst of hundreds of get-well cards and flowers from fans. The doctors had given her permission to leave the hospital that day, and Jade had come to see her before Gerard came to pick her up.

 

"No problem," he replied. "When is Gerard coming?"

 

"In about half an hour, I think."

 

"What will you do now? I mean, before you can go on tour again."

 

"Well obviously, touring is off until I get my cast off and my ribs are healed, which won't be for at least a month. In the meantime, we'll all stick around the LA area to be near Chris. How long we stay depends on him, of course." Kay picked absentmindedly at her cast. "Gerard's rented a place in LA for us, so we can be together before he goes on Projekt Rev."

 

And then he'll be free to chase ass, Jade thought sarcastically. He swallowed hard. "That's... that's good."

 

"By the way, thanks for the Saosin album! You really didn't have to do that, you know."

 

"Oh no, it's my pleasure. I know you love those guys."

 

Kay laughed softly, and looked down again, studying her cast closely. Jade turned away, sighing. When Kay married, would she have another moment with him again, like the moments they'd had together during her hospital stay? It was like the old times when AFI and the Black Diamonds were touring together, and Jade still had hope of winning Kay. He'd enjoyed it, that false hope...

 

"Jade...? Are you okay?"

 

"What?" He quickly turned back to her.

 

"Is anything wrong, Jade?"

 

"No... nothing," Jade lied, avoiding Kay's eyes. When she looked at him like that, the beauty of her gaze bore into him like a knife. God, I love her.

 

"Are you sure? I mean... I don't know... I feel like you've been brooding a lot lately." Her white hands fluttered in a helpless gesture.

 

"Oh... I'm sorry." Jade could think of nothing else to say. His heart seemed so full of his misery that it threatened to clog his throat.

 

"No, Jade, it's fine, but... look, you visit me in the hospital, you do things for me, you listen to all my problems... but you used to talk about yourself more with me and now you don't."

 

"What are you saying?" he asked, his voice hollow.

 

"I guess I feel like... even though you're still close to me, another part of you is drawing itself away. I mean, we're friends and it... pains me."

 

Jade's heart nearly broke at these words. The last thing he wanted was for Kay to be in pain, let alone being the cause of it. He went over to Kay's wheelchair and went down on one knee in front of her, taking her hand.

 

"I'm sorry, Kay. Truly, I am. I never wanted to alienate you ever. Believe me." He looked up into those wide, lovely eyes, hoping to convey nothing but the truth.

 

"Then tell me what's bothering you."

 

He hung his head, his heart suddenly beating wildly. His hands were stiff and clammy. Was this his chance? "I wish I could say."

 

"Tell me."

 

Jade swallowed and took a deep breath. "Kay... I love you."

 

Kay blinked. "What?"

 

There's no turning back now. "I love you," he repeated, his voice growing stronger. "I'm in love with you, and have been in love with you ever since we met. It's why I do what I do for you, and it's why I've been in pain."

 

Kay stared back at him for a moment. "I... wait, no..." she stammered. "No, Jade, you can't... that's not possible... that doesn't make sense, Jade!"

 

Oh God, I knew it. "Why ever not?"

 

"But you've been happy for me! You said so! And when Gerard and I got engaged, you told me congratulations. I mean... just... no..."

 

"You think I didn't want to walk over and snatch that ring out of his hands? You think I didn't want to strangle him right there and then? You never thought I wanted to be the one in his place, proposing to you? Believe me, I've wanted to do all those things so badly. But you know why I didn't? Because I saw that you loved him. You were happy. And because I loved you, and still do, I decided that your happiness was more important than whatever I felt for you. Because that was what I wanted for you, for you to be happy." And Jade knew his heart was at its most vulnerable. She could take it or shatter it, such was her power over him.

 

Kay looked at him sadly. "Jade, you should have told me before."

 

"Yes, maybe I should have. But what would you have done? Would that have changed anything? Would that have changed the way you took Gerard back?" Kay could only look away.

 

"That night he came, Kay, I was going to tell you. I was sure I was going to tell you. I even hoped that you already knew. I thought I could show my love in my actions, but you only ever had eyes for Gerard. Nothing I ever did for you could get through to you. But I was willing to put my feelings aside so that you could be happy.

 

"And now you're unhappy with him, and it kills me even more to stand by and watch."

 

"What??" Kay exclaimed, jerking her hand out of Jade's grasp. "What do you mean, I'm unhappy? I'm perfectly happy with Gerard! We love each other, and just because he can't visit me more than once in the hospital doesn't mean we can't make it through hard times!" she almost snapped, unaware that she was ripping Jade's heart out, vessel by broken vessel.

 

"How can you honestly tell me you're happy?" Jade quickly stood up, looking down at her. "The sad part is, you see his faults but you blind yourself to them. Why, Kay, why?" He was desperately pleading now. "Why are you doing this, when he's been so unfaithful to you? When he's being unfaithful to you now, as we speak?"

 

"Jade, stop!" Kay had heard enough. "Stop this now! You're going way too far. I can't believe you're doing this, Jade. Telling me how you feel is one thing, but accusing my fiancé of cheating? How dare you! I never though you'd go as far as to lie to me..."

 

"Kay! Why would I lie to you?!" Jade felt like crying. "Why would I lie, when my heart is already broken? When have I ever lied to you, except to hide my feelings from you? I would never hurt you deliberately, but I can't stand by and watch you get hurt even more because you didn't face the truth."

 

"Shut up, Jade! I don't want to hear anymore!" Kay shrieked, clamping her hands over her ears.

 

"Please listen, Kay, I only want - "

 

"I don't want to hear it!"

 

Jade bowed his head, stung. Tears threatened in his eyes. When he ventured a glance at Kay again, her face was stony and blank. Her eyes were cold and gazed at nothing.

 

"I... I'm sorry, Kay. I'd do anything for you..." He turned away and started towards the door.

 

Before he went out he turned back to Kay. Her expression remained cold and immutable, and cut Jade to the quick.

 

 "I'm sorry, Kay. I love you too much." With that he left the room and closed the door behind him.

 

Jade slumped against the wall as soon as he came out. He felt empty and raw inside from the release of his feelings. Kay knew now, and their friendship might be beyond salvageable. But in a way he felt better, for he could not have gone on any longer suffering in silence.

 

He sighed, and began to make his way back down the corridor when a hand abruptly grabbed his arm. Jade looked up, shocked, into the fuming eyes of Gerard Way.

 

"You! What the hell are you doing here??" demanded the unfaithful fiancé.

 

"Pardon?" Jade attempted to wring his arm out of Gerard's manacle grip.

 

"Don't you fucking play dumb with me! I've seen you here, and I've seen you around Kay. What have you been doing with my fiancée??"

 

"I haven't done anything with Kay!" retorted Jade truthfully, still struggling with Gerard. "And for the record, she's innocent."

 

"That I can believe! But don't think I can't see that you're trying to seduce her! She's not yours! You think you have a chance with her?? The only man she cares about is me! It's never going to be you, asshole! Go find a piece of ass of your own, got it? You got that, fucker?!"

 

Jade's blood boiled. How dare he? "That's all she is to you, isn't she? A piece of ass. You're disgusting, you know that? You know, I could tell her that you're two-timing on her! I could tell her that I saw you chasing pussy the other day in the broad daylight of Los Angeles..."

 

Gerard grabbed Jade's collar in both fists and shoved him against the wall. Jade winced slightly at the impact on the back of his skull. He wanted to shrink away from the wild blood-shot eyes flashing in the face he hated, but returned Gerard's glare.

 

"You bastard!" Gerard hissed, his face reddening with rage. "What do you know about me?! You wouldn't dare do that!! I would murder you before you did that!! People like you are revolting!! If you ever...!"

 

"I know who it is, Gerard!" Jade hissed back. He no longer feared the rabid singer. Gerard was nothing to fear. "I know you're cheating on Kay, and I know that you're with Lyn-Z from Mindless Self-Indulgence, and you'll get to fuck her on tour all summer long..."

 

"YOU...!!" Jade's head jerked back as Gerard swung his fist into his cheekbone.

 

"Stop that! What's going on!" called a voice down the hall. A group of nurses came running towards them.

 

"What's going on? We're going to call security!"

 

"You fucker!! You goddamn fucker!!!" roared Gerard, as the nurses pulled him away from Jade.

 

Jade pried himself away from the throng and made his way down the hallway. As he hurried away, he heard Gerard hollering behind him, "Stay away from her!!! I'll kill you the next time I see you!! GOT THAT, YOU FUCKER??!!!"

 

Jade ignored him and hurried to the parking lot. But as he reached his car, he could not shake away the sting of Gerard's words.

 

You think you have a chance with her?... It's never going to be you, asshole!

 

-----------

 

As soon as Jade left the room, Kay began to tremble uncontrollably. She was shaken inside and out. Jade's words echoed in her mind, loud as a battering ram.

 

I'm sorry Kay. I love you too much.

 

Jade loved her. He was in love with her and had been the whole time they'd been friends. Holy shit, she thought. She didn't need another person complicating her life, especially not her confidante. Why must people be so fucked up?

 

No, that wasn't fair. She shouldn't begrudge Jade of feelings he couldn't help having. After he couldn't help loving her, any more than she and Gerard could help loving each other...

 

Oh, and that stuff about Gerard. Why did Jade accuse him of cheating on her? What right did he have to do such a thing? What ground did he have? Because this was a serious accusation, especially since it had happened before...

 

"No..." Kay rubbed her temples, trying to ward these thoughts away. Thinking about all this wasn't helping one bit.

 

"Baby?"

 

Kay jumped. She hadn't noticed the door opening. "Gerard?"

 

"Hey... how are you?" he asked. Kay noticed his face was rather red and agitated, despite his attempt at tenderness.

 

"G-good," was all she could manage.

 

"Kay? Are you alright? You look kinda pale..." Gerard knelt in front of her and put a hand to her forehead. Kay shuddered, and for a moment she wished to draw herself away from his touch. What is wrong with me? He's my fiancé...

 

"Oh, Gerard!" She leaned into her boyfriend's embrace, needing to be held by somebody, anybody.

 

"Are you okay, honey?"

 

"Yes... no... yes... just... just get me out of here, Gerard. Get me out of this place, I can't stand it anymore!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Fifteen: Will You Be My Destruction? Will You Help Me To Be Through?

 

Light.

 

"Kay? Kay, can you hear me?"

 

"Where am I?"

 

"You're in the hospital, Kay. Just breathe."

 

More light. Blurs of color. Shapeless shadows.

 

"I can't see."

 

"You have a concussion. It's not too serious. Keep breathing."

 

A sharp pain shot through her leg and her side. A dull ache throbbed in her skull.

 

"It hurts... God, it hurts..."

 

"It'll stop soon. Just keep breathing. It'll be alright Kay, it'll be fine..."

 

------------

 

Jade lay back on the hotel room couch, plugging his iPod into his ears. Hunter and Adam sat talking in the corner. Davey was the least at ease - he sat for a few moments, jiggling his knee up and down while checking his Sidekick, then stood up and paced about the room. Then he would sit down again and repeat the whole cycle.

 

Davey was worried sick about Chris, and his anxiety was the most obvious. Of course, the whole band had been perturbed ever since Chris's disturbing phone call. Worse, no one had been able to reach any of the Black Diamonds, not even Jimmy their manager, in the last two days since then. When Jade attempted to call Kay, no one picked up. And after he'd left a message on her phone, he'd clutch his photo of his beloved to him, hoping she was alright.

 

Just then, Smith opened the door, lines of concern etched into his forehead. "Guys... guys... you might want to hear this."

 

All four band members sat up at attention. "What is it, Smith?" asked Jade.

 

"It's about the Black Diamonds. I finally got through to Jimmy. Their bus... it ran off the highway and crashed two days ago."

 

Jade went weak with horror. Kay!

 

"What?!" Adam exclaimed. Davey's eyes widened, terrified.

 

"Are they... okay?" Hunter asked tentatively. They waited with bated breath for the answer.

 

"Well, only one person actually died, their driver. He was drunk, so he couldn't keep the bus on the lane. He hit his head on the steering wheel. The others should be alright, except..." Here Smith sighed.

 

"Except...?"

 

"Well..." Smith deliberately avoided Davey's eyes. "Chris... he's in a coma."

 

"No!!" Davey fell to his knees. "Not Chris!" He burst into a deluge of mournful sobs, as Adam and Hunter hoisted him up to the couch to console him. "My baby!"

 

Jade stood in place, stunned. The meaning of Chris's phone call had hit them all - he'd been calling to say goodbye.

 

He felt Smith's hand on his shoulder, and looked up to meet his little brother's eyes. "Smith... do you know if Kay is okay?"

 

"Jimmy said she's in stable condition. She broke her calf when a monitor rolled over it, and then got a bad concussion and a few broken ribs when she was thrown into a wall."

 

Jade winced. He hated imagining Kay's beautiful body being tossed about it in a wayward bus. If it hadn't been Chris, it could have been her...

 

"I have to see her, Smith. I have to see that she's alright."

 

"You can now. You have a couple days off. They're all at a hospital in LA. And..." Smith looked back at Davey, whose body was shaking with tears. "Dave should go too."

 

Jade nodded. "I'll get going then."

 

"You must love her, Jade."

 

"Yes, Smith. I do."

 

------------

 

Jade hated hospitals, and always had ever since he'd had his tonsils removed when he was five. They were so sterile, and always carried this awful medicinal stench about them. So he thought, as the polyester-clad nurse led him to Kay's room.

 

The nurse stopped outside the door and opened it for Jade. He took a deep breath and stepped inside.

 

The room was dimly lit, and the curtains were shut, probably to avert intrusive paparazzi. Kay lay there asleep in the hospital cot, her hands lying limp beside her on the covers. One of her arms was attached to an IV. Under the blanket was a huge lump that was her cast. A bandage was wrapped around one side of her head and just above her eyebrow. Jade could make out an ugly bruise and a wound creeping from under the bandage, a stark contrast to the rest of her pallid face. Her breaths, though even, were shallow and hoarse from her broken ribs.

 

To Jade she was like a broken flower - so vulnerable, yet so beautiful. She was always beautiful.  Broken or well, he knew he'd always love her fully and unconditionally. Even if his love was unrequited, he'd still go to the ends of the earth for her.

 

He pulled a chair to her bedside and sat down heavily. He'd steal a few moments, and memorize the face he had no right to...

 

Kay stirred. Her head shifted on the pillow, and her hands curled into fists and loosened. Jade waited, his heart drumming against his ribs. Kay slowly opened her eyes, one after the other. At first she furrowed her brows, waiting for her sight to come into focus. Jade watched as her eyes settled on him, and brightened as she recognized him.

 

"Jade?" she whispered. "You came?"

 

"Of course I came, Kay." Jade leaned forward, smiling. "How are you?"

 

Kay tried to smile through her recurring pain. "Look gorgeous, don't I?" she replied sarcastically

 

Jade laughed. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

 

Kay rolled her eyes. "If you say so. My head hurts like a bitch. It still hurts a little to breathe."

 

"And your leg?"

 

"My leg was terrible for a bit, but it's better. The doctors told me it's a clean break, so it'll heal faster."

 

Jade nodded. "What about everyone else?"

 

"Jimmy only got some cuts and bruises, the lucky bastard. Gordon and Meg have broken arms..." She blinked away tears as she thought of their guitarist. "Oh... Chris... oh god..."

 

Jade reached over and placed his hand over hers. "Kay..."

 

"Oh Jade... Chris is in a coma! He could..." Tears escaped the corners of her eyes, and she shut them and turned away.

 

"I know Kay, I know."

 

"Does Davey know?"

 

"Yes, he does." Jade bowed his head. "He was... very upset."

 

After a brief silence, Kay spoke again. "Chris wanted to die, Jade! That's why he stood in the middle of the bus waiting for us to crash while we all shouted for him to get down. I would have forced him if I could... my leg was broken. He didn't want to live anymore... But maybe I should have tried..."

 

Jade gingerly placed his other hand on her bandaged forehead. "Don't blame yourself, Kay. You were hurt, the bus was crazy. You couldn't have helped him."

 

"I don't know what will happen to the band if he doesn't make it. Chris and I wrote almost all the songs together, and he's like a little brother to all of us. It won't be the same..."

 

"Shhh... don't think about that now. You should think about getting better yourself. You worry so much about other people, Kay. It'll be alright."

 

Kay calmed down at his words and was silent. Jade gently stroked her head, barely giving a thought to the appropriateness of his intimate gesture. After all, she was engaged. Jade's eyes fell on Kay's left hand, the one he wasn't covering with his own, and still conveyed that loathsome engagement ring. Why couldn't it, too, have been lost in the bus crash?

 

"Hold my hand, Jade," Kay whispered.

 

Jade obliged, curling his fingers around Kay's unadorned hand. The fingers were slightly calloused, but the palm was soft and smooth. Slowly, he brought it to his chest and held it there. I could do this forever, he thought, stroking the pad of his thumb across the white skin.

 

"What would I do without you as a friend, Jade?" said Kay. "You try so hard to be there for me. I wish Gerard..." Kay stopped herself short.

 

"You wish Gerard... what?" Jade tried to keep his mood from going sour at the mention of his rival.

 

"Oh, I don't know... he hasn't been in to see me yet." Kay sighed.

 

"What? But it's been two days since the accident, and he hasn't come to see you?"

 

"No. Apparently he's too busy with his tour. But I understand."

 

"No, Kay, that's... that's still fucked up. You could have died. What guy wouldn't come to see that his fiancée was okay?" Jade sat back in frustration. It was bad enough that Kay was engaged to a guy who wasn't him, but a guy who didn't care enough to see his fiancée in the hospital?

 

"Jade, what's the matter with you?" Kay was taken aback by Jade's sudden change in mood. "Look, you know he can't afford to drop everything in the middle of the tour. This is an important year for him. I wouldn't want him to abandon his band at the busiest point in their tour."

 

Why doesn't she get it? Jade couldn't believe she could be so blind to her fiancé's faults, so damn forgiving! But what right did he have to think that? He didn't even have a single stake with Kay. "I guess so," he said resignedly.

 

Kay's head fell back against the pillows as she exhaled, exhausted. Appraising her frail form, Jade suddenly regretted pouring out his frustration on her. How could he rationalize her fiancé's behavior for her, when she didn't need any more stress, when her band was peril? "I'm sorry, I got worked up," he apologized. "These past few weeks have been so hard..."

 

"It's alright, I understand," said Kay, closing her eyes. Her fingers feebly squeezed his hand.

 

Jade felt a painful tug at his heart. He knew he could take care of Kay so much better than Gerard could, yet he was barred from doing so. What had he ever done to deserve such unrequited love?

 

Kay's voice came again in a whisper. "Jade... I'm not allowed out of bed. Go see Chris for me? Please?"

 

"Of course," he replied.

 

Kay smiled weakly and her eyes fluttered closed again. Soon her breathes were shallow and even, if a bit raspy. Jade watched her sleep for a few more moments, then rose from his chair. He bent over her and touched his lips to her forehead.

 

"Anything for you," he whispered. Then he turned and left the room, glancing back at Kay one last time before he closed the door behind him.

 

Across the hall, Jade entered Chris's room. The guitarist lay still as a corpse on the bed. He wore a neck brace, and countless bruises were scattered over his body. Jade winced as he took in the tubes pumping fluids into Chris's body and the discs attached to his forehead. Worse, the guitarist's beautiful and lively face was stony and lifeless, reminding Jade of the cold marble effigies of royals on their tombs. In a way, he was glad that Kay wasn't here to see her band mate like this.

 

Just then, the door burst open. "Chris!" cried Davey.

 

He ran over to Chris's side and threw himself across the still body. "My baby!" he sobbed loudly, cradling Chris's head and kissing the cold lips over and over. "I love you... I love you... I'm sorry..."

 

Jade bowed his head, both abashed and saddened as he witnessed the scene. Fate is cruel, he thought. After all, what a mess! Kay is with a guy who doesn't care enough to see her in the hospital. I'm in love with Kay. Davey is heartbroken over Chris, who's now in a coma because he was heartbroken over Davey. What is this?

 

------------

 

Later, Jade sat in traffic on the way back to the hotel, deep in thought. He had a lot ahead of him. As soon as Davey returned as well and recovered, they all had to practice for an upcoming festival. And also, he had to prepare for a radio interview, and...

 

... Why did that guy sitting on that bench over on the pavement look vaguely familiar?

 

Jade leaned closer to the driver's window, not believing it.

 

Gerard Way himself was sitting there on the bench... with his arm around a girl.

 

A girl who was most definitely not Kay.

 

An uninjured girl who was not even pretty enough to be Kay.

 

"Shit," he muttered under his breath, as Gerard leaned in to kiss the girl. He didn't know whether to be pleased or angry.

 

Gerard was cheating on Kay again. The bastard hadn't changed one bit.

 

Jade gripped the steering wheel even tighter, smirking bitterly.

 

"Busy on tour, my ass... you fucking bastard."

 

 

Chapter Fourteen: City Lights Like Flames Dance And Explode

 

“Kay! Kay! I love you! Can I have your autograph? Can you sign my CD booklet?”

 

Kay smiled and signed the said CD booklet, and posed for a photo with the last ardent teenage fangirl. She gave the fan a hug, and then wove through the thinning crowd. Meg appeared at her side.

 

“Where’s Chris?” asked Kay, rubbing her tired eyes. “He promised me he’d sign a few autographs for the fans before getting on the bus.”

 

“He signed autographs, don’t worry. But that doesn’t mean he won’t sulk all the way to our next show.”

 

“Sulk,” sighed Kay, “is a gross understatement.”

 

Chris’s depression, instead of healing as everyone had hoped, was growing worse. Every night his heartbroken sniffles, quiet as they were, pierced the ears of his band mates. His performances at shows were still good, but they weren’t great, like they used to be. He no longer leapt onto the monitors, nor waved at the cheering crowds, nor interacted with his other band mates onstage. When Kay held his head and applied his makeup for him – for he’d no will to do it himself – his dead and blank eyes cut her to the quick.

 

Gordon was in the back lounge, watching an episode of “Supernatural” when they boarded the bus. “Hey,” he called.

 

“Hey, Gordon. Is Chris already here?” asked Kay.

 

“Oh please, like, when is he not here?”

 

“Gordon, keep your voice down!” scolded Meg.

 

“Sorry. But it’s the truth. He’s always on the bus, and he’s always sulking.”

 

“Don’t be so callous. He’s heartbroken, and you have to understand. You weren’t like this when I split with Gerard.”

 

“At least you didn’t sulk on the bus all the time and fuck up the shows, Kay. You were strong for the band.”

 

“People are different, and Chris isn’t fucking up the shows – ”

 

“Look, I feel shitty about him and Davey too!” Gordon threw up his hands in frustration. “But his relationship problems are getting me, you, and everyone else in our crew. He’s starting to scare me, and I bet he’s scaring you too. Look at the blood on his sheets. Look at his razors. Look at what happened last week.”

 

Last week, Gordon had walked into Chris’s hotel room, and found the guitarist leaning dangerously over the balcony. It had taken both Gordon and Jimmy to wrestle him away, crying and shouting the whole way. Before that, the three other Black Diamonds had discovered blood on Chris’s bedsheets and his razorblades. Chris, breaking under their constant questioning, revealed deep lacerations on his arms.

 

Kay and Meg sat across from Gordon, worry hanging over all three of them like a hideous cloud.

 

“He needs help, for sure,” said Kay. “But we’ll have to wait until the tour is over…”

 

“I don’t know how much longer we can wait, though,” said Meg, shaking her head. “By the time the tour is over, it might be too late.”

 

Just then the bus veered sharply, and they shifted in their seats. The bus jerked again, and Kay’s heart leapt to her throat.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“The driver, I think he had a bit to drink,” replied Gordon. “But I’m sure – ”

 

BANG!

 

Gordon was nearly thrown out of his seat from the impact on his side, as the bus slammed into the concrete wall beside the highway lane. Towards the front, they heard Jimmy holler, “What’re you tryna pull???!!!” Outside, car horns sounded around the bus.

 

“We’re almost off the highway!” shrieked Meg, as the bus rocked from side to side. Kay reached over and pulled the curtains aside on one of the windows, and her heart leapt again with terror. Indeed, the bus tires were slipping on and off the highway, and threatening to tip the entire vehicle into the forested incline beside the grey strip of road.

 

“Somebody needs to stop the driver!” Gordon yelled, as all three tried to get up and make their way up front. At that moment, they were all thrown down on the floor as the bus reared dangerously. Up front, they heard shouts from the crew members.

 

As the floor of the bus shifted beneath her, Kay had never been more frightened in her life. This wasn’t the end… it wasn’t… and yet the bus was falling away from the street lights, into the darkness…

 

“We’re off the highway!” she heard someone shout. The bus groaned and tipped sideways, hitting a boulder in the dark with a metallic crack!

 

Equipment was flying everywhere now. A monitor, coming out of seemingly nowhere, flew towards Kay and smashed into her leg before rolling away. Kay cried out as white-hot pain seared through her body. She reached and tried to clutch her leg, but black spots obscured her vision, and she grabbed at thin air.

 

In the midst of chaos, she could just make out Chris, stepping out from the bunk area, pale as a ghost. In his hand, he clutched his cell phone.

 

--------------

 

Davey’s Sidekick whirred in his pocket. Without checking the caller ID, he answered.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Davey.”

 

Davey’s heart clenched in his chest. That voice.

 

“Chris, what is it?” He felt his bandmates’ eyes suddenly boring into his neck.

 

“I need to tell you, Davey… I love you.”

 

Davey shut his eyes, fighting back tears. He ached with all his heart to return those feelings, but struggled to sound firm. “Please, Chris, not now. I’ve already explained myself.”

 

“Please hear me out, Davey. I might never get another chance.”

 

“Why? What do you - ?” Why is the background so loud?

 

“I love you, Davey. Music can’t compare what you are to me. Every moment with you was magic. I was reborn when I met you. I loved you at first sight, and that will never change.”

 

Davey’s lip trembled. He wanted to reach across the phone connection and pull his baby to him and never let go.

 

“And even if you don’t love me anymore, I’ll always be by your side, watching over you.”

 

A lump grew in Davey’s throat. That was a lie! He did love Chris, and with every fiber of his being. “That’s… that’s not true, Chris, I do…” His voice cracked. Then he heard the loud bangs in the background, and the screams… panicked screams. “What’s going on there, Chris? Where are you?”

 

“Never mind that. Just remember what I said.”

 

Davey heard a voice – Kay’s voice – shriek, “Get down, Chris!!!” More screams.

 

“Really, Chris, what’s going on?”

 

“I love you… don’t forget me.” A crash echoed in the background. Davey’s heart pounded faster.

 

“Chris – ”

 

“Goodbye.” A deafening crackle of static.

 

“Chris!”

 

The line went dead.

 

----------------

 

The bus was out of control now, crashing into trees and rocks. And yet Chris calmly stood there, steadying himself on a chair, holding his cell to his ear.

 

“Chris!” Kay screamed, holding her leg. “GET DOWN, CHRIS!!!!” One of the guitars, one of the amps was going to hit him…

 

She saw his lips form the words I love you before an enormous tree shattered the window, and the bus glanced off a boulder.

 

“No!!” Kay cried out as Chris flew out of the shattered window, before she was slammed into the wall.

 

All went dark.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OMG, I'm really sorry! I just parted from a month of SAT prep and midterms in six subjects. And lately I've been busy with all this college stuff. So, thirteenth chapter. 13 has an ominous ring to it, doesn't it? Man, you all are going to HATE me after you read this...

 

 

Chapter Thirteen: Will You Hold Three Tears I’ve Saved For You?

 

“I’m off!” announced Chris, coming through the connecting door to Kay’s hotel room. He’d elegantly outlined his eyes and put on his favorite black and silver shirt.

 

“To where?” Kay looked up from her copy of Fight Club. “Oh, your date with Davey?” AFI had two days off, and Davey had stopped by the Black Diamonds’ current town to see Chris. “How long will you be out?”

 

“A few hours, I think.” Chris fumbled nervously with his belt.

 

“Why are you so jumpy? Are things okay with Davey?” asked Kay from her bed.

 

“Yeah… well, I think. I mean, he’s been a little distant on the phone lately. I hope he hasn’t… never mind.” He turned to go.

 

“Maybe he’s a little worn out from the tour, you never know, Chris. Besides, I’m sure you’ll knock him out with that eyeliner.” Kay cast the guitarist a reassuring smile. He smiled back.

 

“You’re probably right. See you in a few.”

 

“Alright, see ya.”

 

-------------

 

“I’m sorry, Kay, but that’s how it is. They want us in the UK on that day, and that’s that,” said Gerard over the phone.

 

Kay sighed. Yet again, MCR’s arrangements had interfered with her meeting Gerard again. Yes, she understood that going to the UK was important, and she’d also had to make cancellations in order to accommodate her band as well. But there were all the other times Gerard had cancelled his meetings with her – and for lesser obligations, like little interviews and such. And her fiancé was becoming increasingly callous about cancellations, which made Kay just a little uncomfortable.

 

“Okay,” she huffed resignedly. “We’ll wait until you come back from Europe then. But that doesn’t give us a whole lot of time to plan our wedding.”

 

“We don’t need a whole lot of planning. We’ll make it plan and simple. We can just get married backstage at one of our shows. No fuss whatsoever.”

 

“But Gerard, what’s wrong with a proper wedding? Don’t you want all our friends to come and see us?”

 

They’d had this argument before as well. Gerard wanted his marriage to be quick and easy, but Kay wasn’t in accord with him. To her, a five-minute ceremony at the backstage of some theater was not her idea of a proper wedding.

 

“We can have all our friends there, Kay, without all that fancy shit. It’s all so sick and cliché. If we love each other, why do we need a fucking proper wedding just to show it?”

 

Kay knew this trick of Gerard’s. He liked to inject guilt into the conversation, questioning her love for him, and bend her to his point of view. She’d learned to deflect him years ago, but she decided this wasn’t time to pick a fight with him.

 

“Look, Gerard, you have a long day tomorrow and so do I. We’ll talk about this later when we have a chance, okay?” Kay leaned against the headboard, rubbing her temples. Why did she get so many stress headaches nowadays?

 

“Alright.” Kay heard Gerard sigh. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, baby.”

 

Kay’s heart stirred with affection. “I love you too. Say hi to Mikey for me and go to sleep.”

 

“‘Night, Kay-kay.”

 

“‘Night, Gerry.”

 

When they both hung up, Kay put the phone aside and sank under the covers of her bed. She sighed. Despite their professions of love and exchanges of pet names, Kay still felt subtly stung – by what, she couldn’t put her finger on it. His emotionless postponement of their meeting, his brusque dismissal of her ideas for their wedding…

 

Sure, Kay still loved Gerard and wanted to stay with him for the rest of her life. But somewhere along the way, Gerard had lost that ability to understand her and what she wanted. It wasn’t always this way. At times like these, Kay longed for Jade’s soothing presence. He was such a good listener, never interrupting until she was finished, and always comforting her with just the right words. How she wished they were still touring with AFI.

 

Kay switched the bedside light off and pulled the covers over her head. She could never deal with her worries without sleep.

 

And she had a dream.

 

She was standing on a balcony, watching the sun set over the city – New York or LA, maybe? – in a bed of orange and crimson. Even in a dream, the sight took her breath away, and her heart felt it would burst with pure happiness she had not known in a long time.

 

A pair of slender hands surrounded her waist from behind. “Are you warm?” Kay felt more than heard the deep voice next to her ear.

 

“I love you, Kay.”

 

Kay smiled and turned, and the man put his hand behind her neck. She stood up on tiptoe, and her lips met those of Jade Puget.

 

Kay woke with a start, a sheen of sweat soaking her tee shirt. What the hell was that? She’d been dreaming about a man who was not her fiancée! What the – what is wrong with me?

 

A loud bang sounded on her door, and she realized what had woken her. “Coming,” she groaned, making her way out of her bed. Her eyes widened when she opened the door.

 

“Chris??”

 

An utterly distraught guitarist collapsed into her arms, sobbing inconsolably. “Oh, Kay…”

 

“Oh god, Chris, what happened?” she asked, stroking his back.

 

“Davey… he broke up with me.”

 

“Oh…” Kay was lost for words. She’d seen how in love Chris was with Davey, and she’d always thought those feelings were returned to the same degree.

 

“But why would he do that to you? I thought he loved you more than anything else!”

 

“T-that’s what he said,” sniffled Chris. “But he said it would never work out between us… with both of us touring all the time and having to be apart… oh God…”

 

Kay guided him over to the couch and held him close. “But he’s wrong! Gerard and I have been dating for years, and our bands were never a problem!” I guess.

 

Chris shook his head, wiping at the trails of eyeliner on his cheeks. “I told him that, but he won’t change his mind! He said he loved me but we couldn’t go on…” 

 

“Call him tomorrow! Talk to him! Maybe he’ll realize he made a bad decision and that he loves you too much to do this.”

 

“He doesn’t love me, Kay. He’s grown more distant all this time, and now he’s dumped me. Don’t you see he found an excuse to dump me? He doesn’t love me anymore,” moaned Chris, looking desolate and heartbroken.

 

As he cried into her arms, Kay felt anger tighten her chest. This wasn’t right. Davey was wrong. I’ll talk to him.

 

-------------

 

“I tell you, you’re wrong!” exclaimed Adam, throwing his hands in the air.

 

“Chris loves you, you love him!” said Hunter. “Why wouldn’t it work out?”

 

“Haven’t you seen us scrambling to find times to meet? Haven’t you seen us cancel time after time? At this rate we can never work out.” Davey looked at his hands, trying to hide his own hurt. “And he’s still so young… he’ll find someone else…”

 

“Chris doesn’t want anybody else!” Jade chimed in. “Kay told me he’s crying all the time and can barely pull off a good gig.”

 

“Yeah, I know what Kay thinks!” Davey snapped. “She gave me a fucking earful the next day.” But he looked wounded by the knowledge of Chris’s suffering. “I only did this for him. I care about him.”

 

“Oh? Then did you know that he barely eats? Barely smiles?”

 

“Stop it.”

 

“When he’s not on stage, all he does is lie around crying…”

 

“I said stop it, Jade!”

 

“The whole band thinks he’s developing depression…”

 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, JADE!” roared Davey. Jade, Adam and Hunter held their tongues, taken slightly aback.

 

“I’ve been given enough hell for the past few days.” The singer’s hands were balled into fists. “I don’t need it from you.” With that he stormed away to his bunk.

 

Adam shook his head. “Pathetic.” He and Hunter sat down in the front lounge and pulled out their laptops.

 

Jade sat on the opposite side, sighing. Davey’s split with Chris was a real shame. Worse, Davey was incredibly stubborn, and would not even consider repairing his beautiful relationship.

 

Jade thought of Kay, and how she’d implored him over the phone to talk to Davey, and how he’d agreed without any qualms. Hell, he’d do anything for Kay, even if she didn’t love him as he’d like. Doing this one thing for her was the least he could do.

 

Jade reached into his pocket and pulled out a photo of Kay. It was a promo photograph he’d secretly clipped out of a magazine and took everywhere with him. He ran the pad of his thumb over the perfect paper face, and held it to his heart, sighing again.

 

At least Chris had actually been with Davey. The relationship with Kay that Jade yearned for desperately had never taken place.

 

 

 I'm so sorry!!!!! * bursts into tears*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Producers the Matrix discuss their work on upcoming LP, tentatively due in the spring.
 
by Gil Kaufman

 

It's been awhile since the production trio known as the Matrix worked on such a highly anticipated album. But that will change this spring when Tokio Hotel release the follow-up to their English

language breakthrough album, Scream. The yet-untitled album is being co-produced by the pop songwriters/producers best known for their work with Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Korn.

"We're in the middle of working on the Tokio Hotel record right now," Matrix member Lauren Christy said Tuesday, the same day the collective's long-lost album featuring a then-unknown singer by the name of Katy Perry dropped on iTunes. "We've done eight songs for that record ... and I love the singer's voice and the fact that they play their own instruments. They're a real band, and they're very dark. They're this almost-perfect, gorgeous-looking band but with music that's very dark."

So far, Christy said the German group has laid down tracks at two different Los Angeles studios with the Matrix and with their own in-house production team over the past few months, with a mix that includes very "strong, anthem-y" songs with a dark edge and "lots of guitars."

Fellow Matrix producer Scott Spock said the sessions have been one of the most exciting and enjoyable of his career. "We've worked with so many different people, and when you get into a room where magic just starts happening ... it makes everything really fun," he said, comparing the spark to the one he felt working with Lavigne and Korn. "It's the same experience with Tokio Hotel. ... They are all really talented and can write and play, and they're the real deal."

Spock said he can't recall the last time he worked with a singer who had as much star quality as TH leader Bill Kaulitz. "The music business really needs Tokio Hotel right now," Spock said. "They're reviving that image of what a rock star is. ... Their writing has developed massively, and we're experimenting a bit with some Depeche Mode influence. ... It doesn't sound like anything else out there right now. People don't want to hear a bunch of 808s and Auto-Tuned vocals. They want the real stuff."

Christy added that one of the other things she's grown to love about the rockers is their strong sense of identity, one that seems impervious to the Matrix's tendency toward a big, bright pop sound. "The band is so aware of what they are, and when you have an artist that's that strong, you can't pull them and homogenize them and make them sound like they're not. They're very opinionated about what they want."

That strong sense of self has made it easier to work with the guys as they try to introduce some more American rock styles to their sound, Spock said, while working hard not to lose that unique essence that has made them worldwide stars already. "The push and pull between the camps has been great," he said. "And I think the album will be great because of that. I'm going to look back on this in 10 years and say, 'Wow, I worked with Tokio Hotel!' "

Christy said TH came to the Matrix because they really liked the ballad they'd co-written with Avril Lavigne, "I'm With You," as well as their production on Korn's See You on the Other Side album.

"They like the sadness of that song and were really touched by it," she said of the Lavigne tune. "They like the Korn records too, but they said, 'We wouldn't do that, but it's really good. But it's not truthful to us as a band.' " So far, the Matrix have been co-writing all the songs they've worked on with TH for the album, and at press time, Scott said they had completed work on six of those tunes.

The album is tentatively due in late spring, according to Christy; a spokesperson for TH's label could not be reached for comment at press time. "Their confidence in knowing exactly who they are and what they're doing, given how youthful they are, is amazing," Spock said. "They definitely bring the dark side of the pop song, not like a Lamb of God record but with rock influences that will cross over to so many different kids ... and even some adults."

In addition to the TH album, Christy said the Matrix have been grinding away on Korn singer Jonathan Davis' solo debut, an album by "iCarly" star Miranda Cosgrove, the next Ashley Tisdale CD and the soundtrack to the rebooted "Fame."

This report is from MTV News.

 

 

Hey guys, just wanna say, I appreciate everyone’s tears and heartache over Jade during the last few chapters – I almost cried myself while writing them. Unfortunately, Jade has a few more mopey chapters ahead of him. Pretty please, hang in there, people J

 

 

Part of this chapter is also kind of a songfic. ALL of my readers are under orders to listen to “Surrender” by Billy Talent. Do it, slaves!! *JK!*

 

 

 

Chapter Twelve: Every Word, Every Thought, Every Sound

 

The two bands went their separate ways after their final show together at the end of February.

 

When AFI ended their set, Jade walked reluctantly offstage, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He loved playing shows. The venue became a universe of its own during a show, with its own spaces of time. During a show, nothing was real except the band, the fans, and the music. The show was the only reality. When it ended, Jade was forced back into the grievances of the outside world – including the utter hopelessness of winning the woman he loved.

 

As Jade changed out of his stage outfit, he realized once again that he would no longer see Kay every day. Gerard would spirit her away for good, and there would be nothing left for Jade to hope for. And from the looks of it, there would be no changing Kay’s mind.

 

Outside, Davey and Chris were wrapped in a tight embrace. Davey looked close to tears as he embraced his weeping boyfriend and whispered comforting words in his ear. Jade was mildly jealous of the two. At least they were made for each other and not star-crossed.

 

He felt someone tap him on the shoulder. Jade turned around and felt his stomach lurch as he faced his beautiful beloved.

 

“Hey, Kay.”

 

“Hey Jade!” Kay smiled brightly at him. “I guess this is it.”

 

Jade nodded, lowering his eyes. “Yeah… this is it.”

 

Kay appraised her friend closely for the first time in weeks. “You’ve seemed quite morose lately, are you sure you’re okay?”

 

I’m not okay, Jade thought, bitterly quoting his rival’s hit song. “Yeah… I’m okay.”

 

“Alright, just making sure,” said Kay. “Because I really want to thank you for the support you’ve given me during the last few months. You’ve helped me through a lot.” She paused, waiting for a reply. Something was definitely up with Jade.

 

“No problem,” Jade replied. “But you have Gerard again, you won’t need me anymore.” He hoped his resentfulness hadn’t shown in his voice.

 

Kay laughed, stirring the butterflies in Jade’s stomach. He loved the sound of her laugh. “Maybe not for the same reasons, but I do like talking to you. We should talk sometime, when both of us aren’t on tour, or when I’m not planning my wedding.”

 

Jade felt as if he’d been kicked in the gut. “Your… wedding? You’re already planning your wedding?” He struggled to keep his voice even.

 

“Well… not exactly.” Kay looked abashed. “But Gerard wants us to be married in late August or early September. I’m for it, but that’s not a lot of time to plan, since we’re both so busy. But we’ll manage somehow.”

 

All Jade could muster was a weak “Yeah…”

 

“We should keep in touch though, seriously. I love talking to you. I also want updates about Blaqk Audio. I’m really excited about that. You will update me, won’t you?”

 

“Sure… I will.”

 

Just then Jimmy called, “Kay! Chris! We’re all set, come on!”

 

“I guess I have to go now,” said Kay. “I’ll see you around then.”

 

“Yeah… see you.” Jade racked his brain to perpetuate this last moment he had with her, but she was already boarding the bus.

 

“Kay!” he called. She turned back to him.

 

“Jade?”

 

“T-Take care,” he said. Kay smiled her white-toothed smile at him.

 

“You too,” she replied before disappearing into the tour bus with a flick of her midnight hair.

 

Jimmy slammed the trunk on the band gear and boarded as well. Davey and Chris stole one last painful kiss before Chris reluctantly pulled away and stepped inside. As their driver started the engine, Jade caught sight of Kay’s faint figure walking through the front lounge.

 

“I love you,” Jade whispered.

 

The door clanged shut on his words. The bus carried his beloved away into the night.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Jade curled up in his bunk and cupped his headphones over his ears, putting his iPod on shuffle. He clutched his pillow against his chest and closed his eyes.

 

After the first five tunes, a song by Billy Talent zipped onto the screen. Jade smiled. He liked their latest album. Ben Kowalewicz’s mournful voice cut through soothing guitars.

 

“She reads a book from across the street

Waiting for someone that she’ll never meet

Talk over coffee for an hour or two

She wonders why I’m always in a good mood…”

 

Jade smiled, thinking of those long talks he’d had with Kay. Something had just clicked between them.

 

“Killing time before she struts her stuff

She needs support and I’ve become the crutch

She’ll never know how much she means to me

I’d play the game, but I’m the referee.”

 

I really want to thank you for the support you’ve given me…You’ve helped me through a lot. Those words were meant to be kind, bless her. But they only stung Jade. Because all the support he’d given her was in vain, and in the end she was still with the same man. Still unaware of the one who’d stood there waiting for her the whole time.

 

“Surrender… every word, every thought, every sound

Surrender… every touch, every smile, every frown

Surrender… all the pain we’ve endured until now

Surrender… all the hope I have lost, you have found

Surrender… yourself to me.”

 

Jade used to watch Kay as they walked through town in the sunset. He loved to watch the way the setting sun colored fiery-red streaks into her dark hair and tinted her skin a pale shade of gold. Sometimes she’d laugh and gently touch his hand at a joke or witty remark he’d made. During those moments, Jade’s heart swelled with love for her, and he felt his heartache eating away at his very core.

 

“Even though I know what I’m looking for

She’s got a brick wall behind her door

I’d travel and confess to her,

But I’m afraid she’d shoot the messenger.”

 

Would things have turned out differently if Jade had told her sooner about his feelings? Would she have taken him or shot him down? But now it was too late, and she’d never know.

 

“Surrender… every word, every thought, every sound

Surrender… every touch, every smile, every frown

Surrender… all the pain we’ve endured until now

Surrender… all the hope I have lost, you have found

Surrender… yourself to me...”

 

“I think I’ve found a flower in a field of weeds

I think I’ve found a flower in a field of weeds

Searching until my hands bleed…

This flower don’t belong to me…

I think I’ve found a flower in a field of weeds

I think I’ve found a flower in a field of weeds

Searching until my hands bleed…

This flower don’t belong to me…

This flower don’t belong to me…

Why can’t she belong to me?”

 

Was Smith right? Was it not meant to be? And yet… Jade knew he could never feel this way for another woman. Kay was the only one for him.

 

“Every word, every thought, every sound

Every touch, every smile, every frown

All the pain we’ve endured until now

All the hope that I lost, you have found.

 

“Surrender… every word, every thought, every sound

Surrender… every touch, every smile, every frown

Surrender… all the pain we’ve endured until now

Surrender… all the hope I have lost, you have found

Surrender… yourself to me...”

 

Jade clutched the pillow closer and squeezed his eyelids tighter. But all he could see was Kay behind his eyelids, smiling radiantly, as if mocking all his false hope.

 

“I never had the nerve to ask.

Has my moment come and passed?

I never had the nerve to ask.

Has my moment come and passed?”

 

Two tears escaped the corners of his eyes. Nothing… his heartache had all been for nothing.

 

“I never had the nerve to ask.

Has my moment come and passed?”

 

“I never had the nerve to ask…”

 

More tears flowed from his eyes as the last beautiful chord of the song died. He cried silently until the misery wore him out and lulled him into a slumber devoid of peace.

 

 

 

 

Chapter Eleven: You Smiled As They Whisked You Away

 

The last weeks of the tour were miserable – at least for Jade. Everyone else was fine. The shows were great, Davey and Chris were still all over each other, good chemistry between the two bands… and Kay was all goo-goo eyes over Gerard. She was so obsessed with him that she didn’t even go out to town with Jade anymore before and after shows. Yes, everyone was happy but Jade. And tonight he was especially miserable.

 

He was miserable because My Chemical Romance had joined them all for dinner.

 

Jade kept his eyes glued to his plate to avoid looking at the couple. It nearly killed him to see Kay glowing and happy as he had never seen her, holding the hand of another man. And what did she see in him? Gerard might be better-looking than he was, but he was a phony who pretended wisdom, a vulgar man who had cheated on his girlfriend. He was sure Meg, Gordon and Chris didn’t approve either, but at least they weren’t desperately in love with her like he was.

 

It didn’t help that that the guys from MCR were there. Jade imagined them patting Gerard on the back, Mikey hugging his brother and saying, “Fuck, dude, congratulations!” Across the table, they seemed a wall of opposition to him, holding in the woman he loved in a fortress.

 

From time to time, Jade would sense Gerard shooting a gloating look of triumph in his direction, but perhaps it was just him. And what would Gerard have to worry about? Kay seemed absolutely besotted with him, excluding her attention from anybody else.

 

Suddenly, Gerard’s voice broke the loud drone of voices and Jade’s train of thought. “Hey, everybody! I have something to say.” The whole table went silent.

 

“So, I really wanted a chance to talk to everyone about Kay and me. I know if I wait until after we’re both off tour, I’ll never get to say this.” He laced his fingers with Kay’s. Jade dug his nails into his palms.

 

“Ooh, Gerard!” Frank cat-called jokingly. Ray and Bob snickered.

 

“Dude, shut up. Well, Kay…” he turned to her. “Look, we’ve been together for a while, and we’ve had our ups and downs. But you always amaze me – you’re so strong, with all that shit I put you through. So I was thinking…” He reached into his pocket.

 

A gasp went around the table. Kay’s eyes widened in disbelief. Jade’s heart jolted to a halt.

 

“Kay…” Gerard pulled out a small black box.

 

Please no, please no, thought Jade.

 

“… Will you marry me?” Gerard opened the box, revealing the single diamond ring within.

 

Kay gasped. “Oh…!” Her hand flew to her heart.

 

SON OF A BITCH!! Jade wanted to holler, and throw himself across the table and strangle the jackass.

 

“Kay?”

 

Please say no, please say no, pleaded Jade.

 

Kay looked from Gerard to the ring, and back. Smiling brilliantly, she replied, “Of course I will, Gerard.”

 

Jade’s heart shattered.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Smith stepped onto the tour bus after making sure everyone was together. As the vehicle began to move, he made his way past Adam and Hunter, who were emailing their families on their laptops, to the back of the bus.

 

As he approached the bunk area, he nearly doubled back at the sight of Davey and Chris, who had already ripped off all their clothing and leapt into Davey’s bunk. Chris’s legs were wrapped around Davey’s colorfully inked body, which was pounding wildly into him. Davey’s lips moved frantically from Chris’s parted mouth to his face and his neck, as he made love to the younger man with furious passion.

 

Smith shook his head. They were creating such a racket, those two, making the walls creak and protest under their passion and filling the entire bus with their groans and screams.

 

“If you’re going to let everyone know you’re fucking, at least close the curtain,” he scolded playfully as he walked past.

 

“Shit!” Davey shrieked, and snapped the curtain shut. Smith laughed and kept walking.

 

He finally reached the back lounge area. His brother was lying on the window seat, staring through the darkened glass panel. One hand rested across his stomach and the other hung listlessly over the seat. His eyes were empty.

 

Smith sat beside him, not sure what to say. What could he say to Jade? He’d just had to watch the woman he loved wholeheartedly accept the proposal of another man, and it had wounded him mercilessly. Smith opened his mouth to speak, but Jade spoke first.

 

“She’s gone, Smith… just gone.”

 

Smith sighed. “I’m sorry, Jade.” A second slipped by in silence. “Maybe she wasn’t the one, Jade. Maybe you’ll find someone else, who isn’t too attached to her ex,” he added encouragingly.

 

“But Smith… I love her. I’m in love with her. There’s no one in the world like her. I’d do anything for her, I just wish…” Here he trailed off.

 

And both brothers, lost for words, said no more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Ten: Let’s Leave Unsaid What’s Left Unspoken

 

At breakfast Jade sat incessantly stirring his coffee as his fingers drummed anxiously on the table-top. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Smith glancing at him warily. Around him the two band crews buzzed, making last-minute checks for equipment before they hit the road. In the corner, Davey was trying to make nice with Chris, after a mini-fight they’d had last night.

 

Last night Jade had tossed and turned in his bed, managing only to get three hours of sleep. Try as he might, he could not deter his mind from the hotel room upstairs.

 

“Where is she?” he heard Meg exclaim. “We leave in an hour!”

 

“We actually have two hours,” replied Jimmy. “It’s all cool, Meg. Anyway, Kay probably has to deal with… issues.”

 

“Hey, she’s coming,” Gordon piped up, from across the table from Jade. His eyes widened. “Jesus Christ.”

 

Jade jerked around in his chair. He felt his heart sink like a stone as his eyes fell on the two figures coming out of the elevator.

 

Kay and Gerard came closer, and Jade tried to block from his vision Kay’s hand holding Gerard’s. But she couldn’t have…He saw Kay turn to Gerard and smile at him with all the love Jade had longed to receive from her… and failed to receive.

 

He turned his back to the pair, as everyone’s jaws dropped at the sight. The three other Black Diamonds looked especially incredulous. The thought of How could she? was written clearly in their eyes. They could not believe that their lead singer, who had perfect sense and pride, could have taken such a turn and gone back to this man.

 

Gordon cleared his throat and spoke first. “Good morning Kay… Gerard.”

 

“Hey,” the couple replied. The rest of the room murmured their greetings, but the atmosphere remained stinted.

 

“Wow, Gerard, this is a surprise,” said Meg with a thin smile.

 

Gerard laughed. “Well, I’m full of surprises,” he replied, putting his arm around Kay’s shoulder. Jade felt his hands clench into fists.

 

“So, Gerard, will you be sticking around with us today?” asked Jimmy, attempting to be friendly.

 

“Not today, actually. My Chem has a show to play tomorrow night, and the rest of the guys are waiting for me in New York. But I’ll come round when I can,” added Gerard, looking down at Kay affectionately.

 

“Cool, cool…” Jimmy then stood up and looked around at the rest of the band crew. “Okay, you guys want to start loading up?”

 

There was a murmur of assent, and people began to stand up and pick up gear and head out. The AFI team followed suit. As Jade hoisted up one of his bags, his chest tightened when he saw Kay standing on tiptoe to kiss Gerard’s lips, her hand on his cheek. He turned away, unable to bear the sight of the couple holding each other’s hands and making plans and promises in gentle voices.

 

Jade attempted to slip past the pair, but Kay noticed him. “Jade! Hey!”

 

He reluctantly turned back to her. “Hi, Kay.”

 

“Hey… I’m sorry I sorta kicked you out last night. I… it was a weird situation, you know?”

 

Jade nodded. “It’s okay,” he replied shortly.

 

Kay laughed awkwardly. “But you know, everyone’s happy in the end, right?”

 

Behind Kay, Gerard fixed his eyes on Jade. Jade looked briefly back at him, and could definitely detect a small smirk in his mouth. Son of a bitch, he thought. He ought to walk up to him and tear that smirk right off his face.

 

But he looked back at Kay, her eyes pleading, Please be happy for me?

 

What could he do? He loved her.

 

Jamming his white knuckles in his pocket, he forced a smile and said, “Yes. I’m happy for you, Kay.”

 

~~~~~~~

 

“Jade – ” Smith tried to put a hand on his brother’s shoulder as they boarded the bus.

 

“What?!” exclaimed Jade. He shrugged Smith off and headed inside.

 

“Jade, I’m sorry about…”

 

“No, Smith, please. That’s not necessary.” Jade stalked to his bunk.

 

“Jade, I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to blame yourself, make yourself feel terrible, something. That’s understandable, but please, talk to me?”

 

“What’s the point?” Jade snapped. “And for your information, I’m not blaming myself. If she wants him, she wants him. That’s that. Apparently she thinks that he’s better. What can I do, Smith? You tell me.” With that he snapped the curtain shut. When he heard Smith sigh and walk off to the front of the bus, he held his pillow to his chest, as if it would alleviate the ache inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Chapter Nine: I’ve Got Nothing To Hide, And Less To Lose

 

The silence was beyond awkward – it was deafening.

 

Gerard’s eyes flickered between Kay and Jade, Jade’s eyes flickered between Kay and Gerard, and Kay’s eyes were fixed upon Gerard. Upon overcoming the first few moments of shock, her eyes lowered to the floor and stayed there.

 

When Jade stirred, the other two started. “Hey, Gerard,” he said, trying ease the tense air.

 

“Jade,” Gerard replied, nodding brusquely at him. But Jade could see it in the other man’s eyes: Jade was an intruder, and he’d been fooling with something that belonged to Gerard.

 

He glanced over at Kay, who was still staring at the floor. She seemed to have forgotten their arrangements to meet the others downstairs. She didn’t even seem angry that Gerard, this lying, cheating bastard had dared to stride into her hotel room without letting her know. In fact, she seemed to be drawing away from Jade, as if she were ashamed that he was there.

 

Of course, Jade could read the situation. Kay and Gerard wanted to be alone, even if they didn’t say it aloud, and he was just a nuisance.

 

He glanced between the pair again and said, resigned, “I… I guess I’ll go now”

 

“Yeah,” Kay weakly replied.  

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Kay… Gerard.” Gerard nodded at him again, his eyes on Kay.

 

Jade walked numbly past Gerard and exited the open door. Halfway down the hall, he heard the door snap shut. He winced slightly, and headed to the elevator.

 

“Jade! Where have you been?” asked Smith, as his older brother approached the private room in the bar. “Where’s Kay?”

 

“Erm… can we not?” Jade brushed past his brother and entered the room.

 

“Hey Jade! Where’s Kay?” called Meg from across the table. Everyone else turned to him.

 

“She’s… she’s in her room.” Jade kept his eyes lowered as he found a chair.

 

“But what’s she doing there? Isn’t she going to come down?”

 

“I don’t think so.” He paused. “Gerard’s there, with her.”

 

Everyone in the room simultaneously drew breath. “Gerard?” asked Gordon. “Here? With Kay?” Jade nodded.

 

“But how did he find her?” Meg blurted out. “What happened?”

 

“I don’t know how he found her. But he came in, saw me standing there with her, and started shooting me these death glares. I… I just left.”

 

“But why didn’t you stay?” asked Chris, from his spot next to Davey. “He doesn’t have the right to even go near her.”

 

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” muttered Jade. Why hadn’t he stayed? He remembered the way Kay had recoiled away from him, how her whole body language was telling him to get the fuck out. But he didn’t say that.

 

“I dunno, I decided it was Kay’s place to deal with her relationship,” shrugged Jade.

 

“But their relationship is nonexistent!” shrieked Meg. “I’m going up there!” But Gordon caught her by the arm.

 

“No Meg, Jade’s right. Kay should deal with this herself.”

 

But Jade was slightly regretful. Why hadn’t he stayed up there with Kay? Gerard was obviously there to get Kay back, and he had no right to do that. Yes, it was Kay’s problem to deal with… but I’m the one who loves her best, he thought.

 

Although slightly agitated, everyone calmed down and melted back into their old conversations. Jade spoke about three words to Adam about the arrangements for tomorrow morning’s trip to the next city, but could not help but sit in silence, troubled and panicked thoughts eating at his mind.

 

~~~~~~~

 

Kay still couldn’t look at Gerard. She felt as if her eyes would burn out if she looked up. Her hands, white and trembling, were clasped together.

 

Her mind was fraught with emotions chasing each other back and forth. She wanted to scream at this man – he’d broken her heart, and he’d had the nerve to come back unannounced. Yet this was the man she’d cried over, missed painfully and had never stopped loving in the depths of her heart.

 

Gerard spoke first. “Kay,” he breathed again.

 

Kay ventured a gaze from under her long black lashes. “You… you’ve changed your hair again,” she observed, lacking anything else to say.

 

“Oh… yeah,” said Gerard, nervously running a hand through the hair that was once again ebony colored. “I was getting sick of the white hair… seemed out of character after a while… I don’t think you liked it a whole lot either.”

 

“I see.” Kay’s heart gave a small flutter. Gerard had sensed that? Did that mean he still truly cared for her? And yet… he’d cheated on her…

 

Another moment of awkward silence. “Kay…” Gerard stepped forward. “Kay, please look at me. I can’t stand it…” His voice was soft and pleading.

 

But Kay did not look at him. Instead, she turned and went to the window, looking out over the blinking city lights. “Gerard… why did you come?”

 

She heard him shift on his feet behind her. “I wanted to see you, Kay. I couldn’t… I couldn’t let us end the way we did, with so much anger and hurt. I hated thinking that you’d passed every day these past few months thinking of me as this fucking bastard. And I was bastard to you, Kay, I…” He paused here, seeming at a loss for words.

 

“How did you find me?” she asked, still turned to him.

 

“I went online and found your band’s tour schedule. I had a few days off, so I flew out here to find you. I made a few inquiries, and found out which hotel you guys were staying in. I came and asked the front desk for your room, then I came up… Oh, why are we talking about this?” he cried out in frustration. “Can’t you and I talk about the important things?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like the fact that I still fucking love you! The fact that I’m fucking guilty for what I did to you and to us! The fact that I need you in my life, and that you haunt me every waking moment of my day!” At this he strode over to Kay and, grabbing her arm, turned her to face him. “Kay, for Chrissake, talk to me!”

 

He surveyed her face with anguished eyes for a few moments. “It’s… it’s that Jade guy, isn’t it? Is that why you can’t talk to me?”

 

“No – ”

 

“Are you and him together now?! Is that why he was here in your hotel room?!”

 

“No, Gerard!” rebutted Kay, raising her voice. “Leave Jade out of this! He’s a good friend, and he came up with me to get my phone.” She realized how lame the excuse sounded. We came up to get my phone…Why on earth had she invited another man into her room?

 

But Gerard seemed to relax. “Then please, can’t we talk about it?”

 

“I was the one who broke up with you, if you recall,” replied Kay. She crossed her arms, although the pretense of coldness was steadily crumbling away. “Why should I forgive what you did?”

 

“Oh, Kay, I know I hurt you…”

 

“Hurt me? You were seeing another woman for almost a year! You didn’t just hurt me, you broke my heart! Do you know what it was like to find those emails, after all that time when you hardly talked to me? I can’t believe the nerve you have, storming up to my hotel room almost six months after we’ve broken up, without even telling me beforehand, and asking for my forgiveness! You think forgiveness comes that easily, Gerard?”

 

“No, you’re right to doubt me, Kay, but I’ll do anything it takes to have you take me back!” Gerard reached forward and clasped Kay’s hands in his. “I’m not seeing her anymore, Kay, because you’re the one I want. I love you, Kay.”

 

Kay turned her face away, attempting to hide the tears glittering in her eyes. Her hands, clasped in Gerard’s, were trembling. “I do still love you,” she confessed in a near whisper. “I never stopped.”

 

Gerard held her hands to his heart. “Then come back to me. All our memories, all our times together, we can have it all back.” He touched them to his cheek. “At night, when we finished our shows, I would think about those days when we’d go to the art gallery and just walk and talk. No worries, nothing standing in our way. We can have those days back, Kay. It’s so easy if we love each other.” Gerard gazed at Kay’s face. “Kay…why are you crying?”

 

Kay sank onto the couch, letting out a sob. “I… Gerard…”

 

Gerard sat next to her and wrapped his arms around her. “Oh, baby… I love you so much…”

 

He let her cry into his leather jacket, stroking her long dark hair. Then he pulled back and held her face in his face. “You’re so beautiful,” he breathed, stroking away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. “You’re such a beautiful thing. How could I ever have hurt you like that?”

 

Kay held her breath as he moved closer. She closed her eyes as his lips touched hers and closed over them. The kiss was shy and tentative at first, but deepened as the two became reacquainted with each other’s touch and taste.

 

“Take me back, love?” Gerard whispered against her lips.

 

“Of course.” Kay’s hands ran over Gerard’s strong chest. “I’ve missed you.”

 

“Oh, Kay, you can’t imagine…” He abruptly clutched her to him and gathered her into his lap. He then stood, carrying her in his arms, and strode to the bedroom. There, Gerard took Kay, both of them rekindling tender passion that had long been silenced.

 

~~~~~~

 

Downstairs, Jade worriedly ran a finger around the rim of his glass, hoping in vain that his worst fear had not come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The AFI updates on Facebook [Note: And MySpace!] came out with this today:

"Hello dear, it's time.

We've officially finished writing the 8th AFI album, and now we enter the studio to put it on tape. We have a fabulous producer we'll be working with, The band reveals the full details of their next record inside...

Look guys, I love Tokio Hotel. I love Bill and Tom and company. I'm proud of them for getting nominated for two EMAs. And I've voted them about twenty times for Headliner.

But I just can't vote Tokio Hotel for Best Act Ever.

I love the boys, I really do. But I don't feel they've deserved that title yet. Best Act Ever, guys. That's a strong statement, and "ever" is a long time. It's not that I think Tokio Hotel won't last - I hope they will, and I believe they have potential. But they haven't earned that label. Somehow I don't think they've established their place in the international music arena yet. Despite my high hopes for them, they haven't yet proved that their music can endure through the years, as iconic bands like Green Day have. Let's face it: Tokio Hotel has ways to go. And that's not a bad thing, either.

Earlier, I cast a few votes for Green Day for this award. Green Day has almost twenty years of both success and failure under their belts, and they've always emerged victorious. In twenty years, they've endured a lot, and they are true role models in the world of music. Despite accusations of selling out and such, I think Green Day has always remained true to their genre and fans, honest in their songs and statements, and progressive as they create more and more music. After twenty years, Green Day are as raw and fresh as they ever were. To me, Green Day is the Best Act Ever.

Now, back to my German friends. I wish Bill, Tom, Georg and Gustav the best of luck on the 6th. I sincerely hope they win Headliner, and I have no doubt that their legion of fans (which includes me) will be true. I hope Tokio Hotel will remain true as well, and make their music better and better, and make a bigger and bigger impact as time goes on. I hope they will become timeless icons like Green Day. I hope one day I will have another chance to vote for them for Best Act Ever - just not today.

These are my thoughts.

What do you think?

Hold on tight. This might be a shocker.

 

 

 

Chapter Eight: Another Small Piece Can’t Be Fit

 

“Hemingway? No, I despise Hemingway!” snorted Jade, as he and Kay walked to the venue before the show. They’d both been in about five interviews that day, and this was the little time Jade could steal to be alone with Kay. Of course, he wasn’t sure that Kay saw it in quite the same way.

 

It was approaching the mid-February, and Jade was getting a little desperate. Sure, Kay seemed to be warming up to him these past two months or so, but after this tour, he would hardly have any more chances to woo Kay. What if she drifted away from him then? He had been gathering his courage for the last three weeks or so, and he was determined to get his feelings across soon… like tonight.

 

Tonight. Of course, why not? Why not tell her tonight?

 

“Why do you despise Hemingway??” exclaimed Kay, interrupting his train of thought. “No one can despise Hemingway!”

 

“I can… he’s the most tedious writer ever. In one book he spends like three pages describing soldiers on this beach, kicking up sand… I’m sorry if I’m blaspheming one of your favorite writers.”

 

“You’re not blaspheming anything, you’re just wrong,” Kay answered bluntly but teasingly.

 

They bantered like this all the way back to the venue, where they went to the backstage together. Just before they parted, Jade turned to Kay. His heart fluttered a little under his ribs.

 

“You want to go out to town with me after the show?” Jade asked. “I mean, we’re staying overnight, and Smith said we have time. And I really like to talk.” He hoped he didn’t sound too eager.

 

“Oh sure, of course!” said Kay. “We’ll talk.” As she put her hand on the door of the dressing room Jade stopped her again.

 

“Oh, and, Kay, I kinda wanna say, I…” But the words wouldn’t come. And besides, this wasn’t the right way or time to tell her. “Good luck tonight, Kay.”

 

“Oh, thanks Jade,” replied Kay. “You too.” She smiled sweetly and went into the changing room. As the door closed, Jade stood there, shaking his head at himself.

 

As she closed the door behind her, Kay cocked her head to the side curiously. Did Jade like her? They’d become great friends and everything, and Kay felt like she could rely on him for almost anything. But was it her, or was he getting a little… attached, what with these evenings out together and long talks they had? Yes, she supposed it wouldn’t be a bad choice to go out with Jade if he really wanted her, but would she be able to return his feelings? What did she feel for Jade, exactly?

 

Kay shook away these thoughts, and decided to focus on the show for the time being. But even as she applied makeup to her perfectly sculpted face, she just could not push Jade from the corner of her mind.

 

Meanwhile, in the AFI changing room, Jade picked up his Les Paul and tried to practice. Davey had kidnapped Chris (as usual) and the two were cooing in each other’s arms. Adam was folding bandages over a few blisters that had appeared on his palms and fingers. Smith was pouncing all over Hunter.

 

Jade strummed at the cold metal, attempting to temporarily alleviate the ache in his heart, but after a few minute put his head in his hands. Sure, he had to prepare himself mentally for the show tonight, but there were always going to be shows. There weren’t always going to be chances to tell Kay how he felt.

 

After the show, the two bands arranged to get together at the hotel bar after going out to dinner in town. Jade met up with Kay and took her out. Though he acted like this was like any other of their casual nights out, Kay thought he seemed uneasy. He was quieter than usual and occasionally fumbled with his scarf.

 

“What is it?” Kay finally asked him over their vegetarian meals.

 

“What?” Jade was startled.

 

“You’ve been quiet. Is something bothering you?”

 

“Uh… no,” Jade lied.

 

“Come on, you said you wanted to talk.” Kay egged him on. “Besides, I want to talk more about Hemingway…”

 

“No, no more Hemingway, I don’t care much for Hemingway…”

 

“Well, I have more reasons why you’re wrong about Hemingway…”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Well, first off…”

 

Jade let Kay do the talking as they paid for the dinner and headed back to the hotel. This was hopeless. No, he was hopeless. Why was he actually too chicken to just tell her? What did he have to lose if he did? What was he afraid of?

 

That question was rhetorical, of course. He was afraid of what might happen if he did. If she wouldn’t have him, would he be able to stand it?

 

As they entered the hotel, Kay realized that she’d left her Sidekick in her other bag. Kay hated going anywhere without it; she always received important calls from Jimmy and reps from the record label. She turned to Jade. “Can you come with me to my room just for a sec? I left my phone in my other bag.”

 

That completely threw Jade off. “Go… where?”

 

Kay laughed. “My room, Jade. Just to get my phone, silly. Then we can go meet everybody else.” She paused. “I just don’t feel like going alone. But you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

 

“What? Oh no, that’s fine, fine.” Jade’s palms felt slick in his pockets as they headed to the elevator. He could barely think straight during the elevator ride and the walk down the corridor to Kay’s room.

 

Jade swallowed as Kay slid the room key into its slot and opened the door to the suite. As they entered the living area, Jade was both relieved and a little disappointed when Kay left the door open and locked in place.

 

As Kay departed into one of the bedrooms to search for her phone, Jade stood there amidst the television, couch and side tables, feeling a little foolish. What was he doing in here? Clearly Kay trusted him enough to let him into her hotel room. Did that mean anything? Would that trust vanish if Jade revealed his feelings, what he would really like to do with Kay in that separate bedroom?

 

After Jade had been toying with his scarf for a few more minutes, Kay came back out, putting her Sidekick into her messenger bag. Those white hands, calloused at the fingertips from guitar strings…

 

“Right, I’m ready.” She walked over to Jade. “Sorry for dragging you up here, I…”

 

“No really, I don’t have a problem,” he replied, with a hopefully careless shrug. “Though I am surprised that you actually brought me in.”

 

“C’mon, you’re my friend, Jade, one of my best friends,” replied Kay. “I trust you with a lot of things.”

 

But not everything, Jade thought.

 

“What’s wrong?” asked Kay, seeing a cloud settling over Jade’s face. She was so close now that Jade caught the fresh, clean scent of her hair. He was enraptured by the way shadows settled into the hollows under her cheekbones in the evening light of the window, painting sensuousness into her face.

 

“Look, Kay, I…” He began. Kay tilted her head, waiting. Her perfect lips were slightly parted, as if drawing Jade in. He was a thread away from forgetting his restraint. Jade tried to begin again.

 

“I…”

 

But alas, his tender confession was cruelly severed by loud footsteps at the doorway. Kay sprang away from him, and gasped when the dark figure stepped into the light.

 

“Kay?”

 

“Gerard?”

 

 

 

 

 

OK, I know I’ve made readers of this fic wait months on end for this to continue, and I’m really really sorry!! But here you go, and I promise I will never go on such a hiatus again!

 

 

 

Chapter Seven: Would You Save Me, If You Knew?

 

“Hey guys, where’s Chris?” asked Jimmy as soon as he saw Kay and Jade.

 

“Uhh…” Kay stammered. “He’s… indisposed at the moment.”

 

Meg and Gordon looked suspiciously between her and Jade. “Jade?” Kay and Jade just stared back at him, shrugging. “Seriously, the guy is our guitarist,” said Meg. “We need him now to talk about this New Year’s Eve show.”

 

“Hey, Jade! Have you seen Davey?” Adam called from across the room.

 

It was Jade’s turn to stammer. “He’s… indisposed,” he replied, not knowing what else to say.

 

“But that’s what Kay said about Chris!” exclaimed Gordon. “Do you know something we don’t?”

 

“What don’t we know? What’s going on? Where’s Davey?” asked Hunter, walking in on the scene.

 

“Seriously Kay, where’s Chris?” demanded Meg.

 

“Really Jade, where’s Davey?” asked Adam.

 

“Where’s Chris?”

 

“Where’s Davey?”

 

The two bands were closing in on the guitarist and the singer. Kay looked back at Jade hesitantly. “Should we…?”

 

Jade shrugged, exhaling hard. “Why not? They’ve probably already figured it out already.”

 

“Figured what out? What’s going on? Where are Chris and Davey?” demanded Smith, squeezing into the clamor.

 

Jade rolled his eyes. “Seriously…”

 

“Okay… uhh… we… uhh… went upstairs…” Kay looked down at her hands.

 

“We were looking for Chris and Davey…” Jade added.

 

“Yeah. Right. And we went to his room…”

 

“…which connects to Kay’s…”

 

“Aw, c’mon! What the hell happened upstairs?!” asked Hunter.

 

Kay could take it no longer and blurted out, “We found Chris and Davey in Chris’s bed, having sex, alright?” She looked around to see if any strangers had heard, but the lobby was thankfully almost empty.

 

Everyone was silent for a moment, and Smith began giggling madly. Soon they were all falling over each other, laughing like crazy.

 

“Oh my God, I knew it! I totally saw it coming!” screeched Meg.

 

“Finally!” exclaimed Adam. “Now Davey has to admit he’s attracted to guys!”

 

“Same with Chris,” said Gordon. “He never owned up to being gay!”

 

They laughed and talked for another fifteen minutes, then Jimmy piped up. “Okay, I know we’ve had a whole lot of excitement, but we all have to get up at five tomorrow morning if we want to make it to the next town in time for the show. So, off to bed, Black Diamonds!”

 

“Hey, can somebody let me sleep on their floor or something? I’m not going back in that room and spending the night with a lovesick gay couple.” Gordon blushed as he said this.

 

“You know, Gordon, Davey was sharing a room with me,” Jade piped up. “He’s probably not coming back tonight, so you can share with me.”

 

“Thanks, dude.”

 

All still laughing, the two bands and their managers trudged back to their hotel rooms to recover from the hilarious incident. Of course, the next morning, Chris and Davey didn’t seem to find the matter too funny as they came down to breakfast, hand in hand. As they looked around, it was evident that everyone knew what had transpired the night before, even though both bands’ crews tried to keep their faces straight.

 

“Right!” Davey spoke first. “So I guess all of you know that Chris and I are… are… together.” He shot a glare at Jade, who was staring at his plate. “It’s out, guys, so no more laughing at us, okay?”

 

“Yeah, we’re gay,” Chris added timidly, looking pointedly at Kay.

 

“Erm… we all kinda already knew that, Chris,” said Kay. “So no pressure. Like Davey said, it’s out, and we can move on. Can we eat now?”

 

The whole table murmured assent. Davey sat down and Chris gingerly placed himself next to him. Kay couldn’t help smiling as she watched the couple get food and pour orange juice for each other. The two men were aglow with new love. Chris was like a brother to Kay, and it touched her deeply when his eyes shone as he gazed at Davey. It was much the way Gerard had looked at her when they started dating.

 

Kay’s smile faded a little when she thought of her ex. No, she must not think of him! She plunged her fork into her eggs, letting out a sharp but quiet sigh that nobody noticed – nobody but Jade.

 

Jade watched her gazing fondly at Chris and Davey, and then sigh as she went back to her breakfast. He couldn’t help but sigh himself. If only she knew…

 

Afterwards, when the two bands were beginning to load the buses, Kay pulled Chris aside. “So, how did this whole affair start, exactly?”

 

Chris blushed. “Uhh… why?”

 

“Because I’m just nosy,” Kay answered teasingly. “No, really, you’re like my kid brother, Chris, and I want to know. I’m quite sure you didn’t leap into bed together as soon as you realized you liked each other.”

 

“Well, we didn’t,” said Chris. “It was like, at our first show with AFI. We were about to go on, and I was walking past Dave, and he was wishing me good luck. I was kinda stepping around him, and… I don’t know, before I knew it we were kissing. It was so awkward at first after the show, but at dinner he said he was really into me and wanted to be with me. Things just built up during the last month, and then… last night…” He trailed off, looking over at Davey, who was handing the bag containing his mike to Smith.

 

Kay put an arm around his shoulder. “Well, Chris, you have my blessing, and I’m sure Gordon and Meg are glad for you also. Looks like we’re heading out,” she added, glancing around. “Let’s go.”

 

As they left the hotel, Kay and Gordon went to help the techs load the bus. Just before she boarded, she noticed Davey’s back disappearing around the back of the bus. The last she saw of him was a familiar pair of slender legs dangling out of his arms. She shook her head and laughed to herself.

 

Later, as Kay was updating her blog on her laptop, Meg walked by, looking perplexed. “Where’s Chris? We didn’t leave him behind, did we?”

 

“No, he’s fine,” Kay answered. “He’s just fine.”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

An hour after they set off, Jade was lying on his bunk, still trying to tune out the muffled sounds of lips and skin creeping from under the curtain of Davey’s bunk. He threw down the Sartre book he was trying to read and headed to the front lounge to listen to his iPod.

 

As soon as he settled himself on one of the window seats, Jade found himself scrolling the menu down to the Black Diamonds. Lately he was more in awe of her voice than before. It ran from hysterical yells to melodies that flowed like mellow wine. Always beautiful.

 

Jade sighed. He had had a few encounters with love in his thirty-three years, but none of them had inspired in him such… heartache? It was a sweet pain that seemed genuinely physical, which ate at the very cavity of his chest. What would it take for Kay to be his and for her to replace this cancerous sensation?

 

“Hey Jade.” It was Smith. Jade’s brother came and sat beside him on the window seat.

 

“Hey Smith.”

 

Smith craned over and glanced at the song on Jade’s iPod display screen. He grinned mischievously at his older brother. “You really like her, don’t you?”

 

“Who?”

 

“Who? Oh come on, you know who. Don’t think you can hide anything from your brother, you love-sick cow.”

 

“Who do you think it is?” Jade rested his head against one of the cushions, feigning boredom.

 

“You’re going to be like that, fine. I know you like Kay, so cut the crap.”

 

“Okay, okay, I like Kay. I might even love her. But so what? What difference does it make?” Jade sighed. “She’s still in love with her ex.”

 

“Huh. But I still think she needs more time. She was with Gerard for – six, seven years? I think? Don’t give up, Jade. Kay’s a smart woman, she looks like the kind that will come around.”

 

“Thanks Smith.” Jade smiled at Smith. His heart felt slightly lighter, now that someone else knew of his feelings.

 

It was then that he made his resolve. Someday, someday Kay would be his.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Eleven: This Is The Good Life

 

Black Sails Tour, 1999

 

Adam listened to Jade wordlessly, his body curled around his lover’s. In that interval of Jade’s long narrative, Adam felt all the missing pieces click in place. Everything made sense now: why Jade had hated Davey so much at first, why he had been so aloof and distant, why he’d been so reluctant to start anew with Adam.

 

He smiled against Jade’s chest when he recalled the memory of their first night together and the morning after. In a sense, Smith had led Jade to Adam. Because of Smith, Jade was with Adam, and he knew how to love him.

 

“I wasn’t sure how to tell you,” said Jade, unconsciously stroking Adam’s hair. “I didn’t know if you would understand. I didn’t want you to be revolted by me if you knew that I was in a relationship with my brother, but I knew I couldn’t hide a big thing like this from you forever.” Adam nodded, rubbing Jade’s chest.

 

“We were pretty messed-up kids,” continued Jade. “We lived in a broken family, and we were the only comfort for each other. I suppose, somewhere along the way, I came to depend too much on that relationship for security, and I became almost possessive of Smith. I don’t think I loved him the way I love you. He was always was a brother to me. But I took what we had too seriously. I never thought about the future and I never thought we’d move on. But of course we both did, and I’m here with you.”

 

Adam laughed, and the deep sound resonated through Jade’s body. “And freshly fucked by me,” added Adam. Jade giggled and pulled Adam up into a breath-taking kiss. “I do understand everything now,” whispered Adam when he pulled away, his mouth hovering above his boyfriend’s. “And I’m glad you told me. I love you.”

 

“Oh, I’m so in love with you Adam! Sometimes I can’t believe this is all real,” breathed Jade, cupping his lover’s face between his palms.

 

“I’ll convince you it’s real.” Adam nipped at Jade’s bottom lip, eliciting another sensuous laugh. He pushed his tongue between Jade’s lips, and they kissed for a little while longer.

 

“Let’s get some sleep,” said Adam, rolling aside to let Jade curl up in the nest of his muscular tattooed arms. “Save your pretty mouth for the tour bus tomorrow morning.” They kissed tenderly one last time and snuggled in each other’s arms, content with the way everything was in their own little bubble of warmth and love.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“Is everything packed? We didn’t leave any amps behind, did we?” asked Jade frantically, looking around one last time before getting on the bus.

 

“It’s all good, Jade. You’re always like this when we load the bus,” Adam chided gently, putting an arm around Jade’s waist and pulling him towards their favorite window seat. He sat down and tugged Jade into his lap. Jade nestled his head in the crook of Adam’s shoulder and neck. He closed his eyes when he felt Adam nuzzle into his hair. His boyfriend had been treating him particularly delicately this morning, as if he were a priceless glass figurine. Jade knew that the exchange of the previous night had broken down that last barrier of secrets between the two of them, and Adam loved him all the more for that.

 

“Jade? Baby?” Adam’s breath tickled the delicate skin on the hood of Jade’s ear.

 

“Hm?” Jade nuzzled Adam’s neck.

 

“You want a bit of coffee? I have this sudden craving for caffeine.”

 

“Sure, Addy.” Jade lifted his head to grin lazily back at his boyfriend. Adam pecked him on the lips and lifted them both to their feet. As they made their way to the back of the bus to the coffee machine, Jade tried to catch Adam’s eye but saw him looking down at one of the bunks and flushing.

 

Jade followed his boyfriend’s gaze and saw a topless Davey stretched out on his stomach in his bunk. Smith hovered above him, pressing a trail of kisses down the strip of skin between Davey’s wing tattoos. Smith looked up as the other couple approached and, flashing a wicked grin, quickly shut the privacy curtain.

 

Jade and Adam laughed and went to make coffee. As they waited for the water to boil, Adam gently pressed Jade against the wall and indulged his mouth with a series of tender, loving kisses. Jade instinctively wound one leg around Adam’s and grasped his shoulders, pulling him closer. They made coffee between deep, passionate kisses, and afterwards Adam sat back in their favorite window seat with Jade lounging against him, his legs up on the seat. Jade closed his eyes to savor the warm coffee in his hands and Adam’s fluttery kisses on his hair and down the side of his face.

 

“Adam, how long is it from Chicago to New York?” he asked after a few minutes, draining his last drop of coffee.

 

“Five hours at least, I think, during which I ought to fuck you senseless at least twice.” Adam put his own cup and Jade’s aside, and captured the guitarist’s mouth in a coffee-flavored kiss.

 

“You’re so good to me,” Jade managed to gasp out.

 

“I know,” said Adam, putting a hand under Jade’s shirt to lightly caress his skin. “And you’re so good to me.” With that Adam seized Jade and carried him off to their bunk, like a pair of newlyweds.

 

END

 

 

 

 

So apparently if you register with the code that came with the Tokio Hotel "Scream" CD, you can access the VIP section on the band's US website, right? So I registered, but when I tried to log in I was told that my code is already registered. Does that mean I can't use the code I have?

If anybody else has had this problem and/or knows what is going on, can you please tell me?

Chapter Ten: Nothing Is Too Cliché With You

 

After another painful hour Jade’s shift ended, and he was given permission to leave. As he grabbed his light jacket, Jade’s face lit up when he saw the familiar blue eyes in the store window. He stood enthralled by Adam’s godlike face, then fumbled to put his coat on.

 

When he looked up again, he caught sight of Adam surveying the inside of the store, deep sorrow engraved in his eyes, then turn away. What…? Surely he wouldn’t leave Jade without at least meeting him?

 

But after a few seconds it was clear that Adam was walking away from the store. It was so unlike him… then Jade realized it. Adam was giving up. His hope was gone. Adam thought Jade would never be his, and he was going to stop waiting in vain.

 

Jade looked up at the sky overhead. It was grey and overcast and would soon give in to rain… Rain. Just like in his dream, where Adam was walking away from him. But Adam was going to walk away right now! If Jade let him walk away now, Adam would never know how he really felt, never know that his love was not unrequited.

 

Jade made the split second decision that changed his life. He rushed outside, not minding passersby who stared at him. As he ran, he felt the first droplet of rain on his hand. Adam was almost a block away, his head hung low as he walked. Jade ran forward a few steps. This was the moment, his moment of truth.

 

“ADAM!!!!!” Jade’s cry echoed throughout the street.

 

Adam spun around in shock. “Jade,” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

 

Jade began running towards him, as the light drizzle fell heavier. Adam’s face broke into a smile and he ran back towards Jade. Their sprint towards one another seemed an eternity within an eternity to Jade, for that was when both their lives turned around, when they chose each other for good. This eternity ended as Jade and Adam flew into each other’s arms, their mouths immediately colliding in a bruising, passionate kiss.

 

The rain came down harder. Jade and Adam pressed their lips closer together, cupping each other’s faces between their palms. Their tongues seemed to melt together as they danced and caressed. They took in as much of each other’s taste as possible as it mixed with the rain water. Soon the kiss down and their lips fluttered gently against each other’s.

 

Adam broke the kiss first. “What… why…?”

 

Jade buried his face in Adam’s neck. “I was stupid, Adam, I didn’t know myself well enough. I was in denial for so long… about the fact that I love you. I thought I could never love again… but I love you. I love you, Adam. Forgive me.”

 

Adam turned his head and pressed kisses down the side of Jade’s face and neck. Jade clung desperately to Adam’s waist. “I love you,” whispered Adam, “And there is nothing to forgive.”

 

They kissed again, this time more urgently. Jade’s fingers buried themselves in Adam’s curls, which were wet with rain. He wondered how cliché they looked, standing on the street and kissing in the rain. But nothing was too cliché with Adam.

 

Jade threw his head back and laughed out loud. He couldn’t remember when he’d felt such bliss in his life. The rain drenched his face, blending with the elated tears escaping from the corners of his eyes. He felt more than heard Adam’s whisper “You look beautiful in the rain.” Gentle kisses were pressed down the column of Jade’s throat.

 

“Come over to my place,” Adam whispered next to Jade’s ear. “Stay with me.”

 

Jade didn’t need to be asked twice. He laid a small kiss on Adam’s lips, and they took each other’s hands. The two boys ran all the way to Adam’s house, laughing like small children as they sprinted through large puddles, not caring about the water the seeped into their shoes. Jade found another reason why he loved Adam – he was so pure and full of life.

 

Adam led Jade through his front door and pulled him in briefly for a kiss. Then he took his and Jade’s wet jackets and hung them in the foyer closet. Adam pulled his beloved towards the stairs. “Come wash off with me.”

 

They trudged hand in hand to Adam’s bathroom. Jade appraised it with wide eyes. It was bigger and much cleaner than Jade and Smith’s small chilly bathroom, which sported peeling paint and cracked tiles. He then noticed Adam standing awkwardly beside him and realized the problem – they were both still clothed.

 

“What is it?” he asked, stepping towards Adam.

 

“Nothing,” said Adam, blushing. “It’s just, I’ve imagined this – us seeing each other – for forever. But I never thought about how we’d get around to it.”

 

Jade had to laugh. “You mean foreplay?” He smiled mischievously as Adam’s blush deepened, and kissed Adam’s nose. “I guess we’ll find out, then.” This was so different from his first encounter with Smith. That had been spontaneous and unceremonious. Here, his lover to-be was embarrassed about not knowing how to get in the shower with him! Jade found it hilarious.

 

He took Adam’s hands and slowly slid them under his shirt. Jade gasped at the sensation that shot straight to his crotch, but he encouraged Adam on. Adam’s eyes widened in wonder as he ran his hands over the hard, smooth muscle of Jade’s torso. Jade decided to take a chance and removed his shirt altogether. He groaned as Adam leaned down and kissed his shoulders, collarbones and chest. Jade reached around Adam’s waist and tugged his shirt over his head. He ran his hands greedily over the sleek bare torso, gasping when he felt Adam flick out his tongue at his nipple. Jade’s hand went to the buckle of Adam’s jeans and tore them open. Adam’s breath became heavier against Jade’s skin. Jade tugged Adam’s jeans and boxers down around his ankles, while Adam unfastened his. After removing their socks in double time, they stood naked in each other’s arms, kissing each other’s bodies hungrily.

 

Adam reached over past the shower curtain and turned on the shower spray. He pulled Jade in after him and held him close under the hot water. Jade sank into the embrace, resting his head on Adam’s shoulder. Adam took some shampoo out of the bottle on the edge of the tub and rubbed it into Jade’s hair. Jade made a soft contented sound deep in his throat as Adam ground the soap into his hair and scraped it gently across every inch of his scalp. He waited a few moments before rinsing the shampoo thoroughly out of Jade’s hair. He got some more shampoo to wash his own hair, but Jade stopped him, and applied it himself. Adam closed his eyes, savoring the feel of Jade’s hands in his hair. He reached out to grope Jade’s body again. Jade concentrated very hard on the washing the curly head in front of him until Adam put his hand on his dick, at which point he nearly slid to the bottom of the tub in shock.

 

“You shouldn’t do that right now,” said Jade in Adam’s ear. “Otherwise you’ll still have greasy shampoo in your hair in the morning.”

 

“Like I care,” snorted Adam. “If that happened I know you’d help me wash it out again in the morning – if we make it ‘til morning,” he smirked, his hand still holding Jade’s dick.

 

Jade laughed huskily. “I love you.” He rinsed the soap out of Adam’s hair. As he did so, Adam began stroking him with one hand and scrubbing him with bath gel with the other. Jade followed suit, which gave him an excuse to grab Adam’s dick and get back at him. Adam crashed his mouth into Jade’s (he could never stop doing that), and they spent a few minutes groping and squeezing each other’s crotches. They moaned and gasped into each other’s and felt their erections grow painfully large.

 

Jade reached behind Adam and turned off the shower. Adam groaned in protest; he’d been so ready to jack off into Jade’s hand right there under the water. But Jade knew a thing or two about control from his experience.

 

“Not now,” said Jade. “Don’t you want to fuck me when we get comfortable?” He smiled as the gleam returned to Adam’s eyes, and led him out of the tub. They toweled themselves dry and made their way to Adam’s bedroom, stumbling over each other’s feet as they slid against the hallway walls, making out furiously.

 

Adam pushed Jade onto the bed and fell on top of him. Jade pulled Adam’s head to him and bit and sucked his bottom lip. The realization struck him – he was going to have sex with Adam Carson – Adam fucking Carson! He wanted to run outside into the rain and shout it for all to hear – and then he noticed Adam pulling a condom and lube from his drawer.

 

“Adam – how do you have condoms and lube in your bedside drawer?!”

 

“Tenth-grade health class. They started that this year. The teacher handed out packs of condoms when we talked about safe sex.”

 

“And the lube?”

 

“Uh… the lube…” Adam looked abashed. “I was in the drugstore the other day and it was on sale. I don’t know why I bought it, maybe I was thinking about you at the time.”

He blushed deeply and looked so adorable that Jade had to kiss him again.

 

“You, uh, want any help with that stuff?” asked Jade against the corner of Adam’s mouth, gesturing to the condom and lube. He surveyed Adam’s huge cock, and was overcome with a desire to put his hands on it again. But of course, Adam being a virgin, might not be able to control his orgasm for long.

 

Adam noticed the feral light look on Jade’s face. “I suddenly don’t trust you with my stuff,” he said teasingly.

 

“Oh yeah?” Jade grabbed Adam’s dick again, making the boy gasp. He took the condom and slid it onto the stiff pole of flesh as Adam watched, trembling slightly. Jade squeezed out some of the lube, which felt nicer than the greasiness of Vaseline. Adam bit back a loud groan as Jade rubbed the lube all over him. When he finished, he leaned forward and kissed Adam. Their lips were swollen from so much kissing, and would probably be even more so by morning.

 

“I thought we’d never get to this point,” said Adam, his voice hoarse.

 

“Neither did I.” With that Jade reared up and impaled himself on Adam.

 

“Oh my God!” yelped Adam, shocked but absolutely elated to find himself suddenly inside Jade. Jade hadn’t been stretched so in so long and waited a few moments for the sharp pain to subside, holding onto Adam’s shoulders to steady himself. Slowly he began to ride Adam’s lap. Adam took the cue and thrust up gently into Jade. The tight, smooth feeling nearly made them both pass out with pleasure. Jade remembered something he used to do with Smith, and clenched the muscles of his ass around Adam’s dick.

 

“Aahh, Jesus!!” Adam cried out, seeming close to swooning. He bucked his hips faster and faster, and Jade wondered if jockeys ever had to ride this vigorously during horse races.

 

Jade was enjoying bouncing on top of the covers anchored on Adam’s dick, when he was suddenly pushed back onto the bed and Adam’s weight on him. He felt them both scoot upwards on the bed with each of Adam’s thrusts.

 

“Jade… Jadey… so hot…”grunted Adam, who gave in to his carnal instinct and pounded furiously into Jade. His eyes were open but screwed up in pleasure.

 

Jade kept his arms around Adam’s neck, watching this demigod of a boy move above him and inside him. Adam thrust into him hard and rough, often managing to bang his prostate. Through his euphoria Jade thought hazily about how sore they’d be in the morning. He wound his legs around Adam’s waist and kissed the sweaty neck above him. “Adam,” he moaned between kisses, “Adam.”

 

His words must have brought Adam even closer to the edge, because his grunts and moans became intermingled with mewling noises. Jade guessed that Adam would come soon, and pushed a hand between their bodies to stroke his own swollen dick. Jade’s estimation turned out to be correct, and Adam let out a cry and exploded inside Jade, who came a few moments later with a yelp of Adam’s name.

 

Adam collapsed onto Jade as his orgasm slowed to an end. Jade was still seeing stars during the aftershocks of his own climax. He shifted his head and pressed several kisses to Adam’s temple. “Pretty good for your first time,” he purred lovingly, slurring his words slightly. He stroked Adam’s cheek with the backs of his fingers.

 

“Should I be proud of that?” Adam asked playfully, his eyes meeting Jade’s. They looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. The movements of Adam’s body reminded Jade that he still had Adam’s dick inside him. He unraveled his legs from around his new lover’s body and allowed him to slide out. Adam shifted to lie beside Jade and pulled him close. Their lips melded together as Adam covered them both with the light blanket.

 

“I love you so much, Adam,” whispered Jade, stroking Adam’s chest.

 

“I love you, Jade. I feel like I’ve loved you all my life.” Adam took Jade’s chin and kissed him. Their kissing was becoming slower, as the sex had been exhausting. Jade still couldn’t believe that he had sex to be exhausted from. And with a beautiful boy like Adam!

 

Their lips continued to brush together as their eyelids drooped. Soon Adam was snoring with his arms wrapped around Jade’s bare flesh. Jade would remember, for years to come, vowing just before he lost consciousness, that from this night on he was Adam’s and no one else’s.

 

 

 

Jade woke the next morning with his face pressed into the crook of Adam’s neck. From what he could see of the window, it was a beautiful spring morning. He shifted in bed and remembered that his body was still entangled with Adam’s. They were lying face to face, Adam’s arms wrapped around Jade’s shoulders, Jade’s arms wrapped around Adam’s waist, and one of his legs pleasantly sandwiched between both of Adam’s.

 

Adam was still fast asleep, his mouth turned up slightly at the corners. He looked like a sleeping god, beautiful enough to melt Jade’s heart. Jade thought of a Greek myth he’d read in English class about Eros, the god of love and his wife Psyche. Was this how Psyche felt when, for the very first time, she looked on her sleeping husband in all his divine glory? Likewise, Jade couldn’t believe he’d ever overlooked such a specimen of the male species, when said specimen had been offering himself to Jade for months.

 

Jade settled back in Adam’s neck, sighing contentedly, and pressed a light kiss to the smooth warm skin in front of him. Adam stirred. Jade smiled and raised his head to kiss Adam’s jaw. Adam moaned softly and shifted his head towards Jade, who placed a sweet kiss on his lips. He kissed him again and again until Adam slowly opened his eyes. They gazed at each other for a few moments, completely in love.

 

“Good morning,” ventured Jade.

 

“‘Morning,” replied Adam. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“Yeah, better than I have in a while.” Jade touched his nose to Adam’s. “You look beautiful when you sleep.”

 

Adam blushed. “You’re pretty amazing when you wake me up.”

 

“Are your parents here this morning?” asked Jade. Mr. and Mrs. Carson were nice people and they liked Jade, but he wasn’t sure what they would think if they walked on him naked in bed with their son.

 

“No, on Saturday mornings they’re all busy taking my little brother and sister to baseball practice and dance lessons in town. We can hang out for a couple more hours, don’t worry.” Adam leaned forward and kissed Jade’s nose.

 

They were giggling and kissing when the phone on Adam’s nightstand rang. Adam huffed and reached over to pick it up. “Hello?” Then he beamed. “Hey, Smith, how are you?” A pause. “Yeah, he’s here, I’ll hand you over to him.” He gave the handset to Jade. “It’s your brother.”

 

Jade settled face down on top of Adam, resting the side of his head against the other boy’s chest. He brought the phone to the opposite side of his head. “Hey, Smiffy?”

 

“Jade, where have you been? Have you been at Adam’s all this time?” Smith sounded slightly panicked.

 

“Yeah, bro. Sorry I didn’t call you sometime last night. I, uh, got a bit tied up.” He felt Adam’s slight chuckle.

 

“Got tied up? Like… did you fuck him?”

 

“Erm… yeah, actually.” Jade jumped slightly as he felt one of Adam’s hands stroke his bare bottom. He shot Adam a mock glare, who grinned back sleepily. “It was pretty amazing.”

 

“Oh my God… that’s… wow, Jade! What happened all of a sudden?”

 

“I did some thinking, I guess. Did Mom or Joe ask where I was?”

 

“No, they were working last night. It’s just that Davey and I waited out, but then we both got tired…” he cut himself off.

 

“‘Got tired’?! ‘Got horny’, you mean?!” Jade yelped. “Don’t tell me you screwed each other in our bed!”

 

“Where else could we go? The living room couch?” Smith retaliated. There was a laugh on the other end of the phone.

 

“I presume you’re not alone,” said Jade. Just as he said this, Adam pinched a finger full of Jade’s ass. “Stop it,” he hissed. Of course, Smith heard.

 

“Neither are you,” he pointed out.

 

“Touché. Do I need to be at home this afternoon?”

 

“Not really, why?”

 

“‘Cause I doubt I’ll be home any time soon, I mean…”

 

“Yeah, I know.” There was a pause. “Listen, Jade, I’m really proud of you, you know that?”

 

A lump rose in Jade’s throat. “Yeah,” he answered vaguely. “And it’s thanks to you.”

 

“No problem. I’ll let you go now, okay? We both have stuff to do…” he chuckled slightly.

 

“Yeah, okay. See you later, Smiffy.”

 

“See ya.”

 

Jade handed the phone to Adam, who put it back in the cradle. “So…” Adam began. “Wanna get breakfast?”

 

“Sure, baby,” Jade cooed. “We’ll need it.” He pinched Adam’s face. “I need to get back at you for teasing me while I was on the phone with my brother.”

 

“It’s not my fault you have a smooth ass.” Jade tried to hit him playfully, and Adam ducked.

 

Laughing, they put on their clothes (Jade borrowed some from Adam) and headed downstairs to the kitchen. Adam put two cereal bowls and a carton of Special K on the table and sat down next to Jade. Just before they doled food out, Jade wrapped his arms around Adam and pulled him in for a passionate kiss, which the latter willingly accepted.

 

“I’m going to love you forever, you know that?” Jade whispered against his lips.

 

“Of course. Me too,” replied Adam. Jade saw his eyes become slightly moist. “I’m always going to love you.”

Chapter Nine: What Am I Doing??

 

“Hey, Adam, you want to hang out at my house some time this weekend?” Jade asked awkwardly. Adam had been becoming cooler and cooler with him ever since that day in the music store. It wasn’t looking good for Jade, since he’d been gathering his courage in the month following that incident.

 

“This weekend – like Saturday?” Adam asked without looking at Jade. He was turned away from him, taking things in and out of his locker.

 

“Yeah. Are you available?” Jade winced at the double meaning of the word “available.”

 

“No, I don’t think so. Dave wants to get me, Mark and Vic together at his place for our first band practice for AFI.” His locker clanged shut. “Why are you asking me, all of a sudden?”

 

Jade winced again, this time at Adam’s brusque tone. “I don’t know, I mean, haven’t we always hung out together on weekends?”

 

“That’s the problem,” Jade barely heard Adam mutter to himself. “It’s something we’ve always done.” There was the slightest emphasis on the word “always.” Adam abruptly turned and walked briskly out the school exit. Jade stood there in shock for a moment, and ran after Adam.

 

“Adam… Adam! Adam, wait!” But Adam didn’t wait. Jade reached out and seized him by the shoulder, forcing him to an abrupt halt.

 

“What is wrong with you, Adam? What the hell is your problem?!”

 

“I don’t know, I don’ know…” Adam’s guard broke down, and he sank onto a bench, his head in his hands. Jade found himself admiring those strong, white hands and muscular arms. Arms that were made for a drummer. Arms he at times found himself hoping to be enclosed inside someday. Jade sat beside him, running his eyes over Adam’s sleek masculine form.

 

“What’s wrong? Adam?” he asked tenderly.

 

“What’s wrong?! What’s my problem?!” Adam turned towards Jade, eyes feverish and damp. “Who here has problems, Jade? It’s one thing that I’m standing at your side waiting on your love day after day. But you…” he trailed off, looking at his hands.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You feel something for me, Jade! I know it and I see it. Last month at the music store I could see in your eyes that you wanted to kiss me! And if I were just a toy to you, you would have had your way with me by now. Who has the problems, Jade? Why can’t you just lay it out for me? Can’t you see how in love I am? I love you, and I don’t enjoy it. Why? Because it hurts, Jade! It hurts, dammit! I even love you enough to stop trying if you really do feel nothing for me. Say the word, Jade, and I’ll stop waiting in vain. I’ll stop being your fool.” He stopped, panting, months of frustration and anguish laid bare for Jade to see.

 

“Adam,” Jade breathed, “I’m so sorry.” He gently pulled the other boy close to him. “I shouldn’t be putting you through this. I didn’t know you were in so much pain.” Jade inhaled the fresh scent of the boy in his arms. “Someday… someday I’ll tell you everything. Then you’ll understand why I am the way I am. Why I took so long to get over my first relationship – why I’m not yet ready for another. Please don’t give up on me, Adam.”

 

“Okay,” sighed Adam in resignation.

 

Jade held him for a few minutes longer, then stood up. “I have to go to work now. Come by at the end of my shift. We’ll talk more.” Adam nodded, misery deeply etched in his face. He seemed to age a few years in front of his friend’s eyes. Jade gave him one last hug, and smiling sadly, headed into town.

 

The store wasn’t busy that day, and Jade was told to organize a few racks of vinyl records. Afterwards, Jade stood drumming his fingers on the counter, waiting impatiently for his shift to end. He wanted to see Adam so bad.

 

God, his head was so full of Adam! Adam, laughing, Adam smiling, Adam beating out simple drums rhythms, Adam holding his hand in silence as they walked together from school… Adam’s lovesick gaze as he watched Jade play guitar for him. The poorly hidden longing in his face when he saw another embracing couple as he and Jade walked around town. Adam’s eyes when he’d leaned forward and kissed Jade that day in the schoolyard.

 

He loved Adam. He had unmistakably fallen in love with Adam. Jade’s eyes watered with joy as he savored the revelation.

 

He would tell Adam tonight. He would run into his arms and apologize for everything, and promise to love him forever and ever.

Chapter Eight: Love Is… Oh, I Don’t Know

 

The school year gradually shifted to spring. It was clear to Jade that Smith was really going on his merry way with Davey. Jade didn’t really hate that kid anymore – Dave was actually a pretty cool guy. He gradually came to tolerate Dave coming over after school and holding hands with Smith as they did their homework, or curling up in his arms on the couch to watch TV. Jade saw how Smith glowed with happiness when Davey was around, and thought to himself, without a little sadness, that this was what was best for his little brother. He deserved that kind of happiness.

 

Jade still hung out with Adam, but things had gotten quite awkward for Jade’s part. He couldn’t look into his friend’s sea-blue eyes without feeling guilty about the longing love in them. Adam never brought up their conversation in the skate park, but Jade always felt him silently begging to be loved.

 

One day, as Jade was working away the last half-hour of his evening shift at the music store, Adam ran in with a grin on his face. “Hey, Adam, what’s up?”

 

“I… uh… I got you something.” Adam handed Jade a small white package with a bashful smile. “It isn’t much. It was on sale over at that store down the street that sells odds and ends. I hope you like it.”

 

Jade opened the box and pulled out a miniature of a white Gibson Les Paul guitar. The beauty and detail of the model took his breath away. “Wow, Adam, this is amazing. I love it.”

 

“You do? Really?” Adam was almost buoying up and down with excitement and pride. “Of course, I would have gotten you the real thing if I could, ‘cept my parents don’t like me blowing too much of my pocket money at a time. I remembered you saying in the guitar store one day that the Les Paul was your dream guitar… so… yeah…”

 

Jade smiled broadly, running his fingers over the miniature knobs and fret board. “It’s perfect, Adam. It’s beautiful.” He looked up and met his friend’s gaze. Adam’s eyes shone with unmistakable love for Jade, so happy to have pleased him so. He looked as beautiful as the model in Jade’s hand at that moment, and he was slowly leaning in. Jade couldn’t help leaning in a little, himself. They were leaning closer, and closer. Jade wanted a kiss so bad and he couldn’t deny it. He wanted to drown in the sea of Adam’s eyes, as he once did in Smith’s…

 

Jade immediately faltered, his mouth mere inches from Adam’s. He drew back, laughing nervously. Adam attempted to return a smile, disappointment poorly disguised on his face.

 

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Adam almost whispered. “I’m glad you like the guitar model.”

 

“Thanks, Adam. Bye.” Jade tried to get another word in, but Adam was already halfway out the door.

 

As he walked home from work, Jade clutched Adam’s gift to his chest. He still couldn’t quite fathom his feelings for that boy, but there was no mistaking the ache in his heart for the missed chance for a kiss. But with these walls around his heart…

 

When Jade entered the house, Smith was sitting on the couch doing homework with Davey. “Hey, Smith… Dave.”

 

“Hi, Jade,” they chorused. Jade took in Smith’s arm looped around Davey’s shoulders. Davey’s lips were pink and swollen, and Jade guessed that a heated make-out session had taken place before his arrival.

 

“What’s that?” inquired Smith, pointing at Adam’s present.

 

“This? Uh… Adam dropped by while I was working and gave it to me.”

 

“Adam?! Wait, let me see that!” Before Jade could protest Smith grabbed the box and, running to the kitchen, peered inside. He grinned, beckoning Davey to see the contents as well. “So it really was for you!” cried out Smith triumphantly.

 

“What? What are you talking about?”

 

“We saw Adam buying this today right after school. Somehow we knew it was for you.” Smith and Davey surveyed Jade’s expression carefully.

 

“Okay…” Jade glanced between the two, puzzled. “So what’s the big deal? The guy got me a present, and I like it.” Smith and Davey gave each other a funny glance.

 

“Um… I guess I’ll go now,” said Davey.

 

“Now?” whined Smith, following him to the door.

 

“I have to get back home, baby. My mother wants me to help watch over Mikey.”

 

“Alright, fine,” sighed Smith. “But hold on a sec – ”

 

That was followed by the sound of wet kissing noises and a surprised gasp from Davey coming from the door. As he listened from the kitchen, Jade felt an inkling of longing at the back of his mind, but it was more distant than it used to be…

 

He heard the front door closing, and Smith’s footsteps back to the kitchen. “So, Jade, how exactly did Adam give that to you?”

 

Jade’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean? I told you, he came, he said he got me something, and he gave it to me.”

 

“And?”

 

“And what?”

 

“Jade,” sighed Smith, “Adam’s in love with you.”

 

Jade looked up at him, startled. “Wait, I already knew that. How did you know that?”

 

“It’s actually obvious. How could you not notice? Ever since the first day you met Adam worshipped you. He’s always followed you around after school, and looks at you like you’re a demigod. Of course, one day at lunch, while you were at that writing club meeting, Davey and I made him admit it. Did Adam ever tell you?”

 

“Yeah, he told me, right after I found out about you and Davey.” The words spilled out of Jade’s mouth before he could think.

 

Smith stared at him, understanding breaking out on his face. “And after all this time… you never got together with him? Do you like him at all?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know. I sorta wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time, you know?”

 

Smith gawked at his big brother in disbelief. “But that was months ago, Jade! And we agreed that we’d move on!”

 

“The hell I don’t remember that!” Jade lashed out, extremely irritated by now. “But guess what, Smith? You had months to fall in love with Davey. Me? Oh, not me. I’m expected to turn my heart around right after YOU fucking step all over it! You think it’s that simple, a guy walks up to you right after you’ve had your heart broken and he says “I love you, do you want me?”, so you just go along with it? Do you think I’ll love someone because everyone expects me to love him, because he stares at me every day with these fucking big puppy eyes? It doesn’t fucking work that way, buddy! You of all people should know that, Smith!”

 

Jade turned abruptly and pulled food out of the fridge. His brother surveyed him calmly as he ate. “I think you have feelings for him too, Jade. You’ve had months to fall in love as well.” Jade ignored him and kept eating. “Don’t deny it, Jade. Despite everything, I’m still your brother, and I know you.” Smith turned and walked out of the kitchen.

 

Quietly, Jade put Adam’s present in his pocket. He rubbed the tiny guitar with his thumb for a moment. He remembered clearly his thoughts of Adam’s beauty as he’d taken the gift. He’d definitely wanted to kiss him, but did that mean he’d fallen in love as well?

 

Jade closed his eyes as he thought of Adam’s blue eyes and distinctive nose. There were times he felt like having his way with the younger boy, but he’d always held back, assuming it was just his hunger for sex. But there were other things too, like the long talks they had while Jade was working, the times they’d laughed over newspaper comics on the way to school together, afternoons when Adam helped Jade the best he could to study for a Latin vocab quiz. Jade’s heart warmed at those little memories.

 

He went upstairs to his bedroom and found Smith there, waiting for him. “Don’t bother me about this anymore, Smith,” he said as his brother opened his mouth. “My love life doesn’t involve you.”

 

“It sorta does,” said Smith, blushing.

 

“Oh yeah? ‘Cause right after you met Davey, I certainly wasn’t involved in your love life. Whenever we had sex, you weren’t emotionally involved at all. But I was, which is why I’m still not prepared for another relationship. It’s not that I think of you as a boyfriend so much… I’m just stuck. I loved you, Smith, more than anything else in the world, and you once loved me the same way. If I can’t even keep you with me, what does that say about me and relationships? Am I even capable of having anything more than what we had with each other? I don’t know…” Jade put his head in his hands and sat on the bed. He was already exhausted. “I’ve become so numb, after… that day…”

 

“I used to ask myself the same thing too.” Smith came over and sat beside Jade. He embraced his brother. “I wasn’t even sure after I met Davey. You’re my brother, Jade, you can’t judge other relationships based on ours. Davey and I – well, I guess things moved faster with the two of us.”

 

Jade turned and buried his nose in Smith’s hair. It had always borne a comforting smell.

 

“Adam really loves you. I can see it,” whispered Smith. “You’ll never see another boy like him. Moreover, he’s my friend. Give him a chance, for me.” For a moment, Smith was Jade’s vulnerable little brother again, tentatively asking a service of him. They moved to the bed and lay down, Smith’s arms clinging to Jade, and they dozed off.

 

That night, Jade dreamed that it was raining, and it was Adam’s arms around him instead of Smith’s. But soon Adam pulled away and began to walk away through the rain. And no matter how Jade screamed for him to come back, he didn’t turn around.