Closet Hedonists Are We

Chapter Sixteen: Nothing You Can Say Can Stop Me Going Home

Jade parked Smith's car in the lot of FYE and went in. He'd promised Kay that he'd pick up Saosin's debut album for her - her iPod had been smashed in the bus crash, and she was dying of boredom. Sure, she didn't exactly ask him to buy the CD for her, but he just wanted to do something for her.

He'd gone back to the hospital and visited Kay whenever he could. Kay could now move about in a wheelchair, and sometimes, the nurses allowed him to take her outside to the terrace. There, they talked as long as Jade's schedule and the visitor times would allow. Underneath her cheerfulness and smiles, however, Jade could tell that Kay was unhappy. Aside from worry about the future of her band, Jade knew Kay also harbored fears in the back of her mind about her coming marriage.

Jade was at a loss as to whether to tell Kay about Gerard's infidelity. He wasn't sure if it was his place to tell her, or if she'd even believe him. But Jade became heated when he heard about Gerard's abandonment of his fiancée. Gerard had only visited Kay once since the accident, and Jade had been leaving just as he came in. As Jade exited Kay's room, he'd looked up to see Gerard approaching. Jade gave him a curt nod, which Gerard returned, but with a suspicious gleam in his eyes. Jade couldn't help but feel a sense of bitter satisfaction at his rival's jealousy. It was what the jackass deserved.

In the store there was a promo poster for the Projekt Revolution tour, which Kay had said that MCR would be playing at this summer. She'd wanted to check out some of the other bands in the lineup, Saosin being on of them.

Jade went to the "S" section of the rock/pop section and found Saosin. He selected the limited edition album with the extra DVD and bonus tracks. A small smile came to his face; he knew Kay liked the special edition of anything.

As he went to pay for the CD, he looked back up at the Projekt Revolution poster. One of the bands' names caught his eye. A thought came to his mind.

That girl on the bench with Gerard...

He ran back to the CD section, searching for the right band. He grabbed one of the albums and surveyed cover photo of the members.

Eureka!

"Gotcha," he whispered.

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"Jade, could you hand me my other crutch? It's over there... thanks." Kay gathered her crutches together as she adjusted herself in the wheelchair, in the midst of hundreds of get-well cards and flowers from fans. The doctors had given her permission to leave the hospital that day, and Jade had come to see her before Gerard came to pick her up.

"No problem," he replied. "When is Gerard coming?"

"In about half an hour, I think."

"What will you do now? I mean, before you can go on tour again."

"Well obviously, touring is off until I get my cast off and my ribs are healed, which won't be for at least a month. In the meantime, we'll all stick around the LA area to be near Chris. How long we stay depends on him, of course." Kay picked absentmindedly at her cast. "Gerard's rented a place in LA for us, so we can be together before he goes on Projekt Rev."

And then he'll be free to chase ass, Jade thought sarcastically. He swallowed hard. "That's... that's good."

"By the way, thanks for the Saosin album! You really didn't have to do that, you know."

"Oh no, it's my pleasure. I know you love those guys."

Kay laughed softly, and looked down again, studying her cast closely. Jade turned away, sighing. When Kay married, would she have another moment with him again, like the moments they'd had together during her hospital stay? It was like the old times when AFI and the Black Diamonds were touring together, and Jade still had hope of winning Kay. He'd enjoyed it, that false hope...

"Jade...? Are you okay?"

"What?" He quickly turned back to her.

"Is anything wrong, Jade?"

"No... nothing," Jade lied, avoiding Kay's eyes. When she looked at him like that, the beauty of her gaze bore into him like a knife. God, I love her.

"Are you sure? I mean... I don't know... I feel like you've been brooding a lot lately." Her white hands fluttered in a helpless gesture.

"Oh... I'm sorry." Jade could think of nothing else to say. His heart seemed so full of his misery that it threatened to clog his throat.

"No, Jade, it's fine, but... look, you visit me in the hospital, you do things for me, you listen to all my problems... but you used to talk about yourself more with me and now you don't."

"What are you saying?" he asked, his voice hollow.

"I guess I feel like... even though you're still close to me, another part of you is drawing itself away. I mean, we're friends and it... pains me."

Jade's heart nearly broke at these words. The last thing he wanted was for Kay to be in pain, let alone being the cause of it. He went over to Kay's wheelchair and went down on one knee in front of her, taking her hand.

"I'm sorry, Kay. Truly, I am. I never wanted to alienate you ever. Believe me." He looked up into those wide, lovely eyes, hoping to convey nothing but the truth.

"Then tell me what's bothering you."

He hung his head, his heart suddenly beating wildly. His hands were stiff and clammy. Was this his chance? "I wish I could say."

"Tell me."

Jade swallowed and took a deep breath. "Kay... I love you."

Kay blinked. "What?"

There's no turning back now. "I love you," he repeated, his voice growing stronger. "I'm in love with you, and have been in love with you ever since we met. It's why I do what I do for you, and it's why I've been in pain."

Kay stared back at him for a moment. "I... wait, no..." she stammered. "No, Jade, you can't... that's not possible... that doesn't make sense, Jade!"

Oh God, I knew it. "Why ever not?"

"But you've been happy for me! You said so! And when Gerard and I got engaged, you told me congratulations. I mean... just... no..."

"You think I didn't want to walk over and snatch that ring out of his hands? You think I didn't want to strangle him right there and then? You never thought I wanted to be the one in his place, proposing to you? Believe me, I've wanted to do all those things so badly. But you know why I didn't? Because I saw that you loved him. You were happy. And because I loved you, and still do, I decided that your happiness was more important than whatever I felt for you. Because that was what I wanted for you, for you to be happy." And Jade knew his heart was at its most vulnerable. She could take it or shatter it, such was her power over him.

Kay looked at him sadly. "Jade, you should have told me before."

"Yes, maybe I should have. But what would you have done? Would that have changed anything? Would that have changed the way you took Gerard back?" Kay could only look away.

"That night he came, Kay, I was going to tell you. I was sure I was going to tell you. I even hoped that you already knew. I thought I could show my love in my actions, but you only ever had eyes for Gerard. Nothing I ever did for you could get through to you. But I was willing to put my feelings aside so that you could be happy.

"And now you're unhappy with him, and it kills me even more to stand by and watch."

"What??" Kay exclaimed, jerking her hand out of Jade's grasp. "What do you mean, I'm unhappy? I'm perfectly happy with Gerard! We love each other, and just because he can't visit me more than once in the hospital doesn't mean we can't make it through hard times!" she almost snapped, unaware that she was ripping Jade's heart out, vessel by broken vessel.

"How can you honestly tell me you're happy?" Jade quickly stood up, looking down at her. "The sad part is, you see his faults but you blind yourself to them. Why, Kay, why?" He was desperately pleading now. "Why are you doing this, when he's been so unfaithful to you? When he's being unfaithful to you now, as we speak?"

"Jade, stop!" Kay had heard enough. "Stop this now! You're going way too far. I can't believe you're doing this, Jade. Telling me how you feel is one thing, but accusing my fiancé of cheating? How dare you! I never though you'd go as far as to lie to me..."

"Kay! Why would I lie to you?!" Jade felt like crying. "Why would I lie, when my heart is already broken? When have I ever lied to you, except to hide my feelings from you? I would never hurt you deliberately, but I can't stand by and watch you get hurt even more because you didn't face the truth."

"Shut up, Jade! I don't want to hear anymore!" Kay shrieked, clamping her hands over her ears.

"Please listen, Kay, I only want - "

"I don't want to hear it!"

Jade bowed his head, stung. Tears threatened in his eyes. When he ventured a glance at Kay again, her face was stony and blank. Her eyes were cold and gazed at nothing.

"I... I'm sorry, Kay. I'd do anything for you..." He turned away and started towards the door.

Before he went out he turned back to Kay. Her expression remained cold and immutable, and cut Jade to the quick.

 "I'm sorry, Kay. I love you too much." With that he left the room and closed the door behind him.

Jade slumped against the wall as soon as he came out. He felt empty and raw inside from the release of his feelings. Kay knew now, and their friendship might be beyond salvageable. But in a way he felt better, for he could not have gone on any longer suffering in silence.

He sighed, and began to make his way back down the corridor when a hand abruptly grabbed his arm. Jade looked up, shocked, into the fuming eyes of Gerard Way.

"You! What the hell are you doing here??" demanded the unfaithful fiancé.

"Pardon?" Jade attempted to wring his arm out of Gerard's manacle grip.

"Don't you fucking play dumb with me! I've seen you here, and I've seen you around Kay. What have you been doing with my fiancée??"

"I haven't done anything with Kay!" retorted Jade truthfully, still struggling with Gerard. "And for the record, she's innocent."

"That I can believe! But don't think I can't see that you're trying to seduce her! She's not yours! You think you have a chance with her?? The only man she cares about is me! It's never going to be you, asshole! Go find a piece of ass of your own, got it? You got that, fucker?!"

Jade's blood boiled. How dare he? "That's all she is to you, isn't she? A piece of ass. You're disgusting, you know that? You know, I could tell her that you're two-timing on her! I could tell her that I saw you chasing pussy the other day in the broad daylight of Los Angeles..."

Gerard grabbed Jade's collar in both fists and shoved him against the wall. Jade winced slightly at the impact on the back of his skull. He wanted to shrink away from the wild blood-shot eyes flashing in the face he hated, but returned Gerard's glare.

"You bastard!" Gerard hissed, his face reddening with rage. "What do you know about me?! You wouldn't dare do that!! I would murder you before you did that!! People like you are revolting!! If you ever...!"

"I know who it is, Gerard!" Jade hissed back. He no longer feared the rabid singer. Gerard was nothing to fear. "I know you're cheating on Kay, and I know that you're with Lyn-Z from Mindless Self-Indulgence, and you'll get to fuck her on tour all summer long..."

"YOU...!!" Jade's head jerked back as Gerard swung his fist into his cheekbone.

"Stop that! What's going on!" called a voice down the hall. A group of nurses came running towards them.

"What's going on? We're going to call security!"

"You fucker!! You goddamn fucker!!!" roared Gerard, as the nurses pulled him away from Jade.

Jade pried himself away from the throng and made his way down the hallway. As he hurried away, he heard Gerard hollering behind him, "Stay away from her!!! I'll kill you the next time I see you!! GOT THAT, YOU FUCKER??!!!"

Jade ignored him and hurried to the parking lot. But as he reached his car, he could not shake away the sting of Gerard's words.

You think you have a chance with her?... It's never going to be you, asshole!

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As soon as Jade left the room, Kay began to tremble uncontrollably. She was shaken inside and out. Jade's words echoed in her mind, loud as a battering ram.

I'm sorry Kay. I love you too much.

Jade loved her. He was in love with her and had been the whole time they'd been friends. Holy shit, she thought. She didn't need another person complicating her life, especially not her confidante. Why must people be so fucked up?

No, that wasn't fair. She shouldn't begrudge Jade of feelings he couldn't help having. After he couldn't help loving her, any more than she and Gerard could help loving each other...

Oh, and that stuff about Gerard. Why did Jade accuse him of cheating on her? What right did he have to do such a thing? What ground did he have? Because this was a serious accusation, especially since it had happened before...

"No..." Kay rubbed her temples, trying to ward these thoughts away. Thinking about all this wasn't helping one bit.

"Baby?"

Kay jumped. She hadn't noticed the door opening. "Gerard?"

"Hey... how are you?" he asked. Kay noticed his face was rather red and agitated, despite his attempt at tenderness.

"G-good," was all she could manage.

"Kay? Are you alright? You look kinda pale..." Gerard knelt in front of her and put a hand to her forehead. Kay shuddered, and for a moment she wished to draw herself away from his touch. What is wrong with me? He's my fiancé...

"Oh, Gerard!" She leaned into her boyfriend's embrace, needing to be held by somebody, anybody.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Yes... no... yes... just... just get me out of here, Gerard. Get me out of this place, I can't stand it anymore!"