Closet Hedonists Are We

I know this story's been terribly depressing, but I promise, things are going to pick up. I hope you guys aren't getting bored with me, what with my delayed updates due to college work. Bear with me.

 

Chapter Seventeen: You're Running Out of Places To Hide From Me

"Gerard?"

"Hm?"

"Did you hear me? I just asked you if we're going out or staying in for dinner tonight." Kay was getting frustrated. Gerard always needed to be asked twice about things these days, and it didn't help that she was lugging around a cast on her leg. It certainly didn't help that in the week she'd been out of the hospital, her guitarist had not improved in his condition. Every time she went back to visit, Chris was still in comatose.

"I mean, we can just have takeout," she suggested feebly, knowing that either option didn't matter to Gerard. He constantly stared into space when he was around her, it seemed. Like he wasn't there with her in this relationship. He just wasn't in the apartment with her, even though he was leaving on the Projekt Revolution tour tomorrow.

"Sure," he replied carelessly, not looking up from the copy of Watchmen that he wasn't really reading. "Up to you."

Kay looked at him for a few moments. Gerard still took no notice of his discontented fiancée, but merely ran a hand through his disheveled hair and absentmindedly pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He still hasn't quit. He told me he would. She felt her irritation grow as the cigarette smoke crept up her nostrils. She could take it no longer.

"I thought I told you," she fumed, stomping over and snatching the cigarette out of her stunned fiancé's fingers, "not to smoke in our goddamn apartment!!" Kay threw the burning paper cylinder on the floor and ground it under her good foot.

"Hey! What the fuck is this?" Gerard stood up, looking at Kay in both surprise and irritation.

"I've told you over and over not to smoke in the apartment, and you've never stopped! You promised me you'd stop - "

"Hold on one sec! First of all, this is not actually our apartment, it's a rental that we got because your guitarist is in a goddamn coma! Second, why are you acting like this? I don't mind that you tell me not to smoke, but don't just snatch out of my fucking hand! Kay... " Kay had started back towards the kitchen. "Kay, what's up? What's going on? You've been in a terrible mood. I understand, Chris is in the hospital, and your leg is busted. I'd be pretty pissed off if any of My Chem was in the hospital in a coma. But I'm starting to not get you. You can tell me anything..."

"Oh Gerard, of course you don't get me! You've been sitting around smoking and staring into space and pretending to read Watchmen! You haven't been talking to me, how could I possibly talk to you?!"

"And that means you can crush my goddamn cigarette?"

"This is not about the fucking cigarette!!"

"Then what is it then, huh? Wait a sec... that Jade Puget! You haven't been the same since you came home from the hospital, and before you left he visited you! What happened with him? Something happened with him, isn't that it?!"

"Dammit, Gerard, leave the man alone. What's Jade Puget got to do with anything? You don't even know him."

"But you do, don't you? Something happened..."

"This is how it's always been, Gerard! You could always blame anybody but yourself!"

"Then what am I doing wrong, Kay? Tell me!"

"I... I don't know, you're just not here! You're not here with me in this relationship! You sit around and smoke and stare at some graphic novel or your comic book storyboards or nothing! I'm the one who doesn't get you! So much is going on that I've never had to deal with before, in all my years of touring! Half my band's tour is cancelled, and we don't know if we'll get any of the venues back for a couple years. Our guitarist, the closest thing to my kid brother, is on the edge of death! I can't perform because I have these thing clamped to my leg! And now you... you're in another world, in your perfect rock star comic book world! What should I do, Gerard, you tell me!" With that she collapsed heavily into one of the kitchen chairs, her forehead propped up on her elbows.

"Kay... Kay, I'm sorry." Gerard knelt in front of her and took her by the shoulders. "Things have been going so well for me, I forget sometimes, all the shit you're going through. I love you, Kay, really I do."

A shadow of doubt cast itself over Kay's mind, but she could not resist when Gerard cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. "I only want the best for you and me, Kay, truly."

Then are you faithful? She thought.

"Look Kay, we'll visit Chris at the hospital tonight, and I'll take you out to dinner. How does that sound?"

Kay looked into his eyes and saw a flash of the Gerard she'd fallen in love with in her college days - the Gerard who adhered to her every whim and would go to the ends of the earth for her. The Gerard her heart had always beaten for. I still love him.

"Kay, I'm going on Projekt Rev tomorrow. Can't we enjoy this last day?"

"Alright, Gerard," she replied. She ran a hand through his thick black hair and kissed him.  "I love you, Gerard."

------------------

Davey sat by Chris's bedside, holding his ex's limp hand. Beside the bed, the heart monitor beeped away, while a feeding tube pumped nutrients into the man's mouth. Around the room were strewn flowers and cards from fans, all wishing that their favorite lead guitarist would wake up soon.

"Hey Chris," Davey greeted weakly. "It's May now. AFI just finished their Decemberunderground tour. Jade and I are working on the Blaqk Audio songs. We're going to release the first album in July."

Chris's eyes stirred underneath the lids. The doctors said that he had entered a prolonged state of REM sleep and was dreaming. Davey thought of how he'd pay anything to see what his boyfriend was dreaming of.

"Everyone in AFI has been asking about you. They all want to know if you're okay." Chris did not stir, but his eyes kept moving. Davey blinked away a tear. Chris was much thinner than he was when they'd first met, but he was as delicately beautiful as ever.

"You were always beautiful, Chris, so beautiful. I've told you so many times, but I meant it every time. That was the first thing I noticed about you when me met. You looked like an angel that day..." And then he realized he was rambling. As if this will make him get better. Oh God, this is all my fault.

"Can you hear me, Chris?" Davey pleaded, his voice quivering. "I need to know if you're in pain. I need you to wake up!" He wiped away the tears crowding into his eyes.

He thought of what Jade had found out from Kay, that Chris had been cutting and moping about the tour bus, that he'd been eating less and less. Davey winced, looking at the slashes on Chris's arms again. He had only wanted the best for himself and the man he loved, but had only succeeded in breaking his heart and driving him to near suicide.

 "I love you Chris, so much. Please wake up! I couldn't live with myself if you go! Don't leave me here alone!" And he collapsed over the bed, clutching Chris's hand.

And Chris's hand clutched his.

Davey looked up, not daring to believe it. He watched, wide-eyed, as Chris's head turned to the side on the pillows. Chris groaned, then choked slightly on the feeding tube. His body shifted on the mattress, as he steadily rose into consciousness.

"Doctor! Doctor!" Davey called out as he pressed the emergency button. He turned back to Chris. "Chris, baby, it's me! It's Davey!"

A doctor and a nurse rushed in, pushing Davey aside. He watched, his heart pounding, as the doctor pulled the feeding tube from Chris's throat. As he did so, Chris opened his eyes, surveying the room wildly.

"Chris, it's alright, you're in the hospital," said the doctor.

"H-How long?" the guitarist croaked.

"You have been in a coma for a month. It is now May. How are you feeling?"

Chris slowly opened his mouth to answer, when he turned his head and saw Davey. Davey gave a small smile. Chris could only stare back.

"Well, this gentleman has come in as often as he can, as have the rest of your bandmates. Your fans in and out of the hospital have also taken care to wish you well... I think I'll leave you two alone now," said the doctor. "Call if you need anything." He and the nurse retreated from the room.

Davey stepped forward. "Chris."

"Davey?"

Davey went awkwardly to his bedside. "Are you alright?" he asked, unsure of himself.

"Davey... I thought... why?"

"Chris... I... Oh Chris, I'm sorry!" Davey fell to his knees by the bed. "I never wanted to hurt you ever! I just wanted your life to be easier, better. I loved you the whole time, I always did! When I found out you were in a coma, I was so afraid..."

"Davey," Chris interrupted softly. "Calm down. I'm not dead." Slowly he reached out and brushed the top of Davey's head.

Davey brightened slightly at the touch. "D-Does this mean you'll take me back?"

Chris looked at him for a few long moments. "Davey... if I hadn't been hurt, would you still have taken me back?"

Davey's shoulders slumped a little. He'd never thought of how they'd resolve their relationship when Chris woke up, he'd just hoped Chris would get better. It'd never occurred to him that Chris would have difficulty forgiving him.

"But Chris, I still love you! They were all right about us, Jade and Kay and the others, we belong together! I know now, nothing would have kept us apart forever. Please, Chris, give me another chance," Davey begged, panicking as Chris turned away. He'd spent a month fearing that his lover was at death's door, and he wasn't ready for rejection.

"I don't know, Davey. I was hurt when you left me..."

"And I'll do anything to make it up to you. We can go back to the way our relationship was before, maybe it can be something more! I don't want us to be apart again."

"But what if you decide that you were right, and that this relationship really can't work out? I do love you Davey, but I couldn't stand the pain again."

"I won't! It won't ever be that way!"

"Gerard must have said those things to Kay when she took him back," said Chris quietly, more to himself than to Davey. "And Gerard is still the bastard he always was."

"But I'm not Gerard!" cried Davey. "I love you as much as any human can love another human being!"

"Only time will tell."

Silence fell in the room. Davey was stunned and lost for words. "So you... you don't want me?"

"I do, Davey. But I couldn't stand being hurt again."

"But... Chris..."

"Please, can we not talk about this? Just sit down and tell me what's happened in the last month."

Davey opened his mouth to plead again, but Chris was staring blankly at the white sterile ceiling. He sighed and sat heavily on the bed, and as he spoke he kept his body slightly turned away, so that Chris could not see the tear that traced a silver line down his face.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, congratulations, Kay," said Gerard as they walked through the apartment door. "I guess your whole band will be back on their feet soon."

"Yeah, just two more weeks or so to make sure he's stable, and we'll be good to go!" Kay put down her bag and fumbled for her cell. "Let's see, I already called Jimmy about the tour... I'm gonna call Meg and Gordon, they are going to be so happy!"

"Okay, you do that..."

Kay headed to their room, pulling out her Sidekick. Her heart fluttered with excitement. Chris was awake, and he would be up and running within two weeks. And maybe he and Davey...

Oh yes, Davey had been there at the hospital. He'd been sitting at Chris's bedside when she and Gerard had arrived, looking rather crestfallen. Had Chris spurned him upon awakening? Well, she really couldn't blame him, what with Davey breaking his heart like that. But if they truly loved each other, it would be such a shame... after all, I did take back Gerard, didn't I?

Kay sighed as she flipped through her phone's address book for her bandmates' numbers. As she did, she reached over to adjust a pillow on Gerard's side of the bed.

What was this?

A red thong poked out of the pillow case.

Since when did I have a red thong? Since when did my underwear turn up in Gerard's pillow cases?

Kay felt the familiar iron fist of fear clench around her heart as she took the garish piece of lingerie between her fingertips.

No, I never had a thong, I never had bright colored underwear. I know that. It can only mean one thing.

Jade's words came back to her. He's being unfaithful to you now, as we speak... I can't stand by and watch you get hurt even more because you didn't face the truth.

"Oh God!" Kay sat heavily on the bed. What did she do to deserve this? Why her? Why her fiancé?

Is Jade right? Have I been in denial all along?

The red thong still hung from her fingers.

Kay got up shakily and limped out to the hallway. She could see Gerard in the living room... lighting a cigarette.

This can't go on.

"G-Gerard."

"Hm? Kay?"

"W-What is this?" As she entered the living room area, she held up the thong.

And there! She saw it. Gerard very clearly blanched at the sight of the thong before coughing a little and collecting himself.

"What do you mean? Isn't that yours?"

"Bullshit, Gerard! This is not mine and you know it! You know I don't wear thongs like this, much less red ones! This, this is buttfloss!" She threw it on the floor. "I want you to tell me right now, who was in this apartment before I came out of the hospital?"

"What..."

"I want to know, Gerard! Busy on tour, indeed! You had enough time to take a woman into our apartment, but you only had time to see me once in the hospital..."

"Dammit, Kay! That's enough!" Gerard snapped, jumping to his feet. "I've had enough of these fucking accusations from you!"

"And I've had enough of your lies!"

"Lies?? Kay, how are we going to make it if you keep all these suspicions running through your head, if you keep rummaging through my goddamn stuff? This is fucking ridiculous!"

"You're the one who's ridiculous! I was in that hospital with a concussion, with this morphine in my blood and my goddamn bleeding leg in a cast! But you didn't bother to come see me as soon as you found out our bus crashed! No, you were just a couple miles away, cuddling with Miss Red Thong..."

"Shut up!"

"Look who's talking, you man-whore!"

SMACK.

Kay didn't see Gerard's hand coming towards her, only the malicious wrath in his face, but she felt the backside impact against her cheek and the blow knocked her head into the wall. She cried out, clutching simultaneously at her forehead and her face. To her horror, the hand on her forehead came away wet with scarlet. Gerard had re-opened the wound from the bus accident.

"Oh, Kay..." The anger melted from Gerard's face, replaced with horrified regret. He knelt beside her. "Kay, I'm so sorry... come here..."

Just then, a flare of rage went up in Kay's heart. "Get away from me!" she shrieked, shoving Gerard away from her and stumbling to her feet. "You bastard!"

"Kay, please..." Gerard scrambled after her. "I'm sorry!"

"Get away! Get the FUCK away!" She limped as fast as she could to the door and opened it.

"No, Kay! Baby, where are you going?"

"Don't call me that!" And she slammed the door behind her.

She ran down the stairs and out the apartment building. She ran down the street, not caring where she was going. As she ran she cried. She cried for the life she'd wanted, the one that was crumbling once more before her very eyes. There was once again a void opening, and it was sucking her in.

Why? Why?

The night rushed by her. It was raining, and the drops cut at her face. It's just like that first time... This was all too familiar. History, all her mistakes, they were repeating themselves.

As Kay ran out of breath, she realized she was in the park. At this time of night, it was deserted. A swing set creaked eerily. A light breeze ruffled the darkened and wet grass. Goosebumps rose on her arms.

Clutching her arms around herself in the rain, she walked toward the white gazebo that stood a stone's throw away. When she reached it, she sat down on one of the damp benches. What was she going to do now?

But she could think of no more to do but cry, which she did so with her head in her hands. She wept bitterly, wallowing in her dark, blank misery. She felt useless, vulnerable. So inadequate.

"Kay?"

Kay jumped at the sound of the voice. She looked up and saw a figure coming towards her. Flinching at first, she inspected it... him. She gasped.

"Jade?" Her voice cracked.

"Kay, what are you doing here?" Jade sprinted towards her and came up the steps of the gazebo. "Kay... are you bleeding?"

Kay sat there dumbly, tears streaming down her face. As Jade drew nearer, she could see the care and concern in his face, even in the dark. His gaze strayed to her forehead... and the blood on it.

"Oh, Kay, what happened to you?"

Kay turned away, shaking her head. She choked on a sob when Jade touched her shoulder. He sat beside her, and she let him put his arms around her and draw her close. Kay threw her arms around his waist and cried openly into his chest. She felt his palm press the back of her head.

"You poor thing... it's alright, Kay. It'll be okay," he cooed to her, stroking her damp hair.

"Oh, Jade!"

They clutched each other in the dark of the gazebo, as the rain came down around them.