Sturmxundxdrang's Journals

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen: He Bit My Lip and Drank My War From Years Before

Jade gently held Kay's trembling form, his heart pumping with both joy and panic. He wanted to sit there in the rain forever and savor her scent and her arms around his waist, yet he was horrified at the bloody wound on her forehead, and his ears were filled with Kay's sobs.

"Kay, who did this to you?" he asked, stroking Kay's hair. A wild thought came to his mind - what if Gerard...?

There was a long silence. "Gerard... I found another woman's underwear in his pillowcase."

Jade's hackles rose in fury. "And he hit you?" How dare he?

"Yes," choked Kay.

Jade clutched Kay even tighter, rage building in his chest. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to run up to that apartment and wring Gerard's neck. I'll kill him.

He didn't realize he'd spoken the thought aloud until Kay replied tremulously, "Don't say that."

"I'm sorry." Jade resumed stroking her hair. One of his fingertips came away scarlet, and he remembered Kay's head wound.

"We need to patch your head up. Come back to my place, I can put some stuff on it."

Kay stiffened in his arms. "I... I have to go back soon."

"No, Kay, you're in no state to go back." Heat rose from Jade's veins again. He'd die a thousand deaths to keep Kay from returning to Gerard. "He hit you, he drew blood..."

"I approached him the wrong way, we had a misunderstanding..."

"What misunderstanding is there when you know the truth?"

Kay burst into tears again. "Oh God..."

"Kay... Kay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!" Jade tried frantically to calm her. "It's alright, it's alright... I'm so sorry." He knew he was pushing her too far.

"At least let me take care of that cut," he pleaded gently when Kay had quieted. "Please, Kay." Kay was silent for a few long moments. Then she nodded wordlessly.

Jade helped Kay to her feet and let her lean on him. Slowly, they made their way across the park to Jade's car. Jade supported Kay as she got into the passenger seat, then got into the driver's seat and started the car. As he drove, Jade slid sideways looks at Kay, who seemed to shrink in the seat, her head bowed and her eyes red from crying. He wanted to say something to comfort her further, but was afraid of upsetting her already fragile state of mind. Therefore, he was relieved when the painfully silent drive ended and they got out in the drive of his house.

Jade led Kay into the kitchen and sat her down in a chair. She sat still as death, her eyes staring into nothing, as he rummaged through the cabinet where he kept his band aids and antiseptics while he was off-tour. He ran a towel under hot water, turned and put it to the injured side of Kay's forehead. She winced, then relaxed as Jade put a hand over the opposite side of Kay's head, calming her. She sat still, her eyes closed, while he gently cleaned the cut, rubbed antiseptic over it and bandaged it.

He held her head for a few more moments. "Are you alright?" he asked tenderly. Kay slowly nodded.

"Can I get you anything? I have some herbal tea."

"Okay. Thanks, Jade." Kay sat in silence as Jade made tea. She tentatively took the warm mug he handed to her.

"Drink it, you'll feel better," he coaxed her. As she obediently brought the mug to her lips, Jade noted how hollow her eyes were. Sitting beside her, he put an arm around her and rubbed her shoulder.

"Thank you Jade," she whispered hoarsely.

"It's alright," he answered, not knowing what else to say. They sat in silence, as she drank the tea and he continued to gently rub her shoulder. We could sit like this forever, he thought. Jade could feel her thin shoulder and the strap of her bra through the thin layers of her jacket and shirt. If I could just keep her here. He knew his thoughts and actions were out of line, but there were prevailing circumstances... and it wasn't like she was stopping him.

"Have you eaten?" he asked gently. She nodded.

"We ate before we went to see Chris in the hospital."

"Oh yeah, Davey told us he woke up. That's wonderful."

"Yeah..." Kay looked down into her tea. "I can't stay for long," she said suddenly. "Gerard will be looking for me..."

"But Kay!" No, I can't let her go! "You don't have to go back, and you shouldn't. He hurt you..."

"He didn't mean to," Kay protested weakly. "Anyway, he's leaving tomorrow on the Projekt Revolution tour tomorrow, we won't see each other for a while, and I don't want us to part on this note."

"Kay..." Jade bowed his head, thinking of what to say. "Kay, do you want to go back now? Do you really, really want to go back?" Kay looked away.

"No," she finally answered. "Not now."

"Stay here until you've cleared your head. You're in no shape to go back to Gerard as is," Jade pleaded, slightly relieved. Kay nodded slowly. "What's more, you look exhausted. Do you want to get a little sleep?"

"Well... sure. Could I take your couch?"

"You know, I can let you have my bed. I can take the couch for tonight."

"Are you sure...?"

"Of course. Just for the night. Please, Kay, I want you to."

"Oh... alright."

Gently, Jade led Kay to his bedroom. He pulled out a T-shirt and pajama pants and handed them to her. "Here... these might be a bit big for you, but I think they're fine."

"Thanks... are you sure you don't mind me taking your bed?"

"No, no, really Kay. It's the least I can do for a friend." Inwardly he cringed at the use of the word "friend," remembering his confession to her a couple months ago. Speaking of which, did she remember that as well...? But Kay showed no sign of remembering, and took the pajamas.

"Well, I'll leave you alone now. Get some rest." He smiled at her and turned to the door.

"Thanks, Jade. Good night."

As Jade headed downstairs, he heard the bedroom door close. He shivered slightly at the thought of Kay undressing and slipping into his clothes right above his head. He shook his head, pulled out a blanket from behind one of his couch cushions, lay down on the couch and spread the cover over himself.

So what now? Kay was in his house. He'd always dreamed of having her in his house. But what was going to happen in the morning? Would she stay? Would she leave? Was it even right for him to even contemplate making her stay?

Oh, he was over thinking this. They'd talk about it in the morning, when they'd both had some rest. With that thought, Jade rolled onto his side and fell into a shallow, fitful sleep.

-------------

It was still dark when Kay cracked one eye open. The digital clock on the dresser read 4:30 a.m. In the window, there was a touch of gold at the bottom of the navy-blue morning sky. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep again, but couldn't. Damn, I've toured too much. Stupid 4:00 wake-up calls.

As she nestled under the warm covers, she remembered where she was: Jade's house. Her hazy mind slowly unwound the events of last night. She winced slightly as she remembered Gerard's blow to her face. The physical pain was nowhere near to the pain in her heart. He was her fiancé, her lover, and he'd struck her just like that. No doubt he was probably sorry... but how could he? What's more, he was cheating on her. Again. What would she have done if Jade hadn't found her in the park?

Oh yes, Jade. Kay hadn't brought it up last night, but she remembered full well his confession to her at the hospital. She'd avoided looking him directly in the eye, for whenever she did, she saw in his gaze the same hurt and lost puppy who'd declared his love for her. His feelings hadn't changed, that much was clear.

That being said, why was she still here? Why was she mooching off a guy who wasn't her fiancé?

He's my friend. I can't discard him just like that. After all, he's always been loyal.

Loyalty. That was what Kay wanted in any friend, any lover. And that was what Jade had. When she was in need, Jade had thrown everything aside to help her. Last night, he hadn't taken advantage of her vulnerability. He'd bandaged her cut, given her a drink and a place to stay. If they ever really did get together, Kay had no doubt that his loyalty would remain just as unconditional.

If we got together. Would she want that? Did she want to be with Jade? Would he be worth it? Would he mean anything next to the years she'd given to Gerard?

As if in answer to her thoughts, the door creaked open in the far corner of the room. Kay quickly jammed her eyes shut and pretended to sleep. She heard Jade's light tread on the carpeted floor towards the bed. The hairs on her arms stood up. What was he doing...?

But she felt the side of the bed dip slightly as he sat down. Out of one eye, she saw him gaze at her and look away. She heard her name whispered under his breath. And then nothing more. He just sat there, staring into space.

After a minute, Kay decided to drop the act. Slowly, she sat up. "Jade? Is something wrong?" she called out softly.

Jade jumped and turned to face her, looking slightly guilty. "Oh... no... I, uh... wanted to see how you were doing. Sorry."

"No, that's fine. I'm good. Couldn't you sleep? It's a little early."

"Well, not really." A pause. "H-How's your head?"

"Oh, I think it's better. It doesn't sting anymore." Kay brought a hand to her forehead. "Thank you, Jade."

"No problem."

They sat in silence. Then Kay leaned forward. "Jade... you told me once about Gerard, and... do you know who she is?"

Jade swallowed and nodded. "She... she's Lyn-Z. From Mindless Self-Indulgence."

"Lyn-Z." It all made sense now. "L."

"What?"

"Those emails I found in Gerard's inbox. They were all signed with an 'L'... It all fits." She sighed and hung her head. "How did you know?"

"I was driving away from your hospital, and I saw him... with her. Then I was in the FYE buying your Saosin album, and I recognized her on the Projekt Rev banner."

"Projekt Rev??" Kay felt as if she'd been kicked in the stomach. "So he's touring with her! Oh God, Jade, I've been blind!"

"I'm very sorry, Kay, I..."

"No, I've been terrible to you! I said horrid things to you the last time we talked... I... Christ..." She dropped her head into her hands.

"He's your fiancé, Kay, I really don't blame you."

"But you're my friend, one of my best friends... I'm so stupid..."

"Please don't be like that, Kay. Really, I understand. I just... I hated seeing you being cheated, because I l - " He faltered and turned away, but Kay knew where he was going.

"Jade..." She reached out to him.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want to see you hurt, that's all... yeah." Jade tried unsuccessfully to shake the awkwardness of the moment off.

Kay sighed. "That's not exactly how you put it when we last spoke."

A pause. "Why are you bringing that up?" Jade's voice was tight and pained.

"I... I don't know. Did you mean it?" She needed to confirm it and hear him say it.

Jade faced her again, a line of tears forming in his eyes. "How can you ask me that? Why would I tell you a lie if it would only make you hate me?"

"I don't hate you, Jade!"

"I know, but you did when I told you."

"No, I didn't hate you because of that! I was angry because of what you said about Gerard! But you were right! You were right about everything... it's just that, we're engaged."

"So why are you bringing this up? It doesn't matter anyhow, you're getting married, your love life won't involve me!"

"Then why did you tell me at the hospital?"

"You asked me what was wrong with me, and I gave you an answer, because it's all true! I love you, I can't help it. I would feel otherwise if I could but I can't. You don't know how it's tortured me to see you with a man who does these things to you! If I were in Gerard's place, I would never do what he did last night! I would never have cheated for so long behind your back! I would do anything to make you happy!" Jade's eyes were bright and intent on Kay, but when he finished speaking he seemed to droop, exhausted from this release.

"But it's no use. You're engaged, you love him, and if you're still happy with him, I'll be happy for you."

Kay watched him, and her heart bled. "Jade... you know I hate watching you hurt. Now I know you... love me..." she struggled with the word, "and I'll know you're not happy. I'll know that when you smile at me, you're lying to me."

"Then just be with me." The words spilled out of Jade's mouth without a thought. "If you hate watching me hurt, then be with me." His eyes were wide and pleading.

Kay knew she could shatter him with a word at this moment. She knew she should reject him, and she knew he expected it... but she couldn't. In her heart she knew she could never refuse him. At that moment, looking into his eyes, she knew that no matter how she denied it, she wanted this. She wanted Jade.

Her thoughts stopped right there as their lips bumped together. They both gasped at the same time, but neither drew away. She felt Jade's lips move tentatively against hers, and she did the same. They pressed their mouths closer together, and Kay felt Jade's hand clutch her arm and heat rising from between their legs. Her free hand reached up to cup his cheek as they exchanged kiss after tender kiss. Jade whimpered at the touch of Kay's smooth palm. His hand slid under the hem of her shirt, gently stroking the skin of her torso. She whimpered against his lips and her hand traveled from his face to grab the hem of his shirt.

Kay was so absorbed in their heated kisses that she barely noticed Jade had pulled her shirt off until he began to run his hands over her breasts. She inhaled sharply and tugged wildly at his shirt, running her fingers across his skin and the lean muscles underneath. Jade drew away momentarily to pull off his shirt before gently but firmly pushing Kay back onto the bed. He pulled away the covers to slip her pajama bottoms down her white thighs and over the beige bandage wrapped tightly around her calf. Jade briefly ran his hand over the injured leg, then bent over her to ravage her neck while he reached down to unfasten his jeans.

"C-condom," Kay gasped out as Jade kicked away his pants and gnawed at her neck. Without pausing in his advances, he reached over into the drawer of the nightstand and felt around for the abandoned stack of condoms he'd placed there long ago. His trembling fingers fished out one packet, and he drew back briefly to tear it open and hastily roll the latex over himself. Minding her injury, he reached down to spread her legs and placed himself between them. As he positioned himself over her, he cupped her face between his palms.

"K-Kay... are you sure you want this?" he asked, breathing heavily and propping himself on his elbows.

Kay stared up at him incredulously through her heated delirium. "Now? You're asking me now??" She reached up and grabbed fistfuls of his hair. "Finish what you've started, fool, before we deal with what I want!" She pulled him down and bit his lip.

The pain did it for Jade. He dove into Kay, and began ramming into her with abandon. Kay cried out and arched her back, for she had not felt this way for a long time. No one had made love to her with such passion in ages. Everything she saw, felt and heard was Jade. She felt her good leg wind itself around his smooth, slender waist, her nails digging into his shoulders as his mouth devoured her neck, her skin rubbing against his as he filled her hot, latent body with his flesh over and over. She was in awe of the arch of his spine, his lean and muscular arms straining to support the rest of him. At the edges of her consciousness, she heard the bedsprings groaning softly beneath them and the headboard gently thumping the wall behind her head. A few minutes later when they both climaxed, screaming each other's names, Kay felt wetness on his cheek. As they lay there panting, their bodies still connected, Kay looked to the side and saw that Jade's eyes were closed, trails of tears leaking from under the lids.

"Jade? What's wrong?" She brushed her fingers against his wet cheek.

"I... I love you Kay," he sobbed. "I'm so in love with you... I love you too much..."

"Shh... shhh..." She gently kissed away the wet trails. "Don't cry, Jade, don't cry."

When Jade had calmed down, he slowly pulled out of her, tugged off the condom and threw it into the waste bin by the bed. He crawled back into Kay's arms and reclined against her body, burying his face in her neck. Kay gently stroked his hair, and soon he fell fast asleep. Tired as she was as well, she lay awake for a half hour or so thinking about what had just passed. As content and loved as she felt at this moment, she knew that she was running into another complication.

Yes! They finally got together! But remember, Kay is still "officially" with Gerard...

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Seventeen

I know this story's been terribly depressing, but I promise, things are going to pick up. I hope you guys aren't getting bored with me, what with my delayed updates due to college work. Bear with me.

Chapter Seventeen: You're Running Out of Places To Hide From Me

"Gerard?"

"Hm?"

"Did you hear me? I just asked you if we're going out or staying in for dinner tonight." Kay was getting frustrated. Gerard always needed to be asked twice about things these days, and it didn't help that she was lugging around a cast on her leg. It certainly didn't help that in the week she'd been out of the hospital, her guitarist had not improved in his condition. Every time she went back to visit, Chris was still in comatose.

"I mean, we can just have takeout," she suggested feebly, knowing that either option didn't matter to Gerard. He constantly stared into space when he was around her, it seemed. Like he wasn't there with her in this relationship. He just wasn't in the apartment with her, even though he was leaving on the Projekt Revolution tour tomorrow.

"Sure," he replied carelessly, not looking up from the copy of Watchmen that he wasn't really reading. "Up to you."

Kay looked at him for a few moments. Gerard still took no notice of his discontented fiancée, but merely ran a hand through his disheveled hair and absentmindedly pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He still hasn't quit. He told me he would. She felt her irritation grow as the cigarette smoke crept up her nostrils. She could take it no longer.

"I thought I told you," she fumed, stomping over and snatching the cigarette out of her stunned fiancé's fingers, "not to smoke in our goddamn apartment!!" Kay threw the burning paper cylinder on the floor and ground it under her good foot.

"Hey! What the fuck is this?" Gerard stood up, looking at Kay in both surprise and irritation.

"I've told you over and over not to smoke in the apartment, and you've never stopped! You promised me you'd stop - "

"Hold on one sec! First of all, this is not actually our apartment, it's a rental that we got because your guitarist is in a goddamn coma! Second, why are you acting like this? I don't mind that you tell me not to smoke, but don't just snatch out of my fucking hand! Kay... " Kay had started back towards the kitchen. "Kay, what's up? What's going on? You've been in a terrible mood. I understand, Chris is in the hospital, and your leg is busted. I'd be pretty pissed off if any of My Chem was in the hospital in a coma. But I'm starting to not get you. You can tell me anything..."

"Oh Gerard, of course you don't get me! You've been sitting around smoking and staring into space and pretending to read Watchmen! You haven't been talking to me, how could I possibly talk to you?!"

"And that means you can crush my goddamn cigarette?"

"This is not about the fucking cigarette!!"

"Then what is it then, huh? Wait a sec... that Jade Puget! You haven't been the same since you came home from the hospital, and before you left he visited you! What happened with him? Something happened with him, isn't that it?!"

"Dammit, Gerard, leave the man alone. What's Jade Puget got to do with anything? You don't even know him."

"But you do, don't you? Something happened..."

"This is how it's always been, Gerard! You could always blame anybody but yourself!"

"Then what am I doing wrong, Kay? Tell me!"

"I... I don't know, you're just not here! You're not here with me in this relationship! You sit around and smoke and stare at some graphic novel or your comic book storyboards or nothing! I'm the one who doesn't get you! So much is going on that I've never had to deal with before, in all my years of touring! Half my band's tour is cancelled, and we don't know if we'll get any of the venues back for a couple years. Our guitarist, the closest thing to my kid brother, is on the edge of death! I can't perform because I have these thing clamped to my leg! And now you... you're in another world, in your perfect rock star comic book world! What should I do, Gerard, you tell me!" With that she collapsed heavily into one of the kitchen chairs, her forehead propped up on her elbows.

"Kay... Kay, I'm sorry." Gerard knelt in front of her and took her by the shoulders. "Things have been going so well for me, I forget sometimes, all the shit you're going through. I love you, Kay, really I do."

A shadow of doubt cast itself over Kay's mind, but she could not resist when Gerard cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. "I only want the best for you and me, Kay, truly."

Then are you faithful? She thought.

"Look Kay, we'll visit Chris at the hospital tonight, and I'll take you out to dinner. How does that sound?"

Kay looked into his eyes and saw a flash of the Gerard she'd fallen in love with in her college days - the Gerard who adhered to her every whim and would go to the ends of the earth for her. The Gerard her heart had always beaten for. I still love him.

"Kay, I'm going on Projekt Rev tomorrow. Can't we enjoy this last day?"

"Alright, Gerard," she replied. She ran a hand through his thick black hair and kissed him. "I love you, Gerard."

------------------

Davey sat by Chris's bedside, holding his ex's limp hand. Beside the bed, the heart monitor beeped away, while a feeding tube pumped nutrients into the man's mouth. Around the room were strewn flowers and cards from fans, all wishing that their favorite lead guitarist would wake up soon.

"Hey Chris," Davey greeted weakly. "It's May now. AFI just finished their Decemberunderground tour. Jade and I are working on the Blaqk Audio songs. We're going to release the first album in July."

Chris's eyes stirred underneath the lids. The doctors said that he had entered a prolonged state of REM sleep and was dreaming. Davey thought of how he'd pay anything to see what his boyfriend was dreaming of.

"Everyone in AFI has been asking about you. They all want to know if you're okay." Chris did not stir, but his eyes kept moving. Davey blinked away a tear. Chris was much thinner than he was when they'd first met, but he was as delicately beautiful as ever.

"You were always beautiful, Chris, so beautiful. I've told you so many times, but I meant it every time. That was the first thing I noticed about you when me met. You looked like an angel that day..." And then he realized he was rambling. As if this will make him get better. Oh God, this is all my fault.

"Can you hear me, Chris?" Davey pleaded, his voice quivering. "I need to know if you're in pain. I need you to wake up!" He wiped away the tears crowding into his eyes.

He thought of what Jade had found out from Kay, that Chris had been cutting and moping about the tour bus, that he'd been eating less and less. Davey winced, looking at the slashes on Chris's arms again. He had only wanted the best for himself and the man he loved, but had only succeeded in breaking his heart and driving him to near suicide.

"I love you Chris, so much. Please wake up! I couldn't live with myself if you go! Don't leave me here alone!" And he collapsed over the bed, clutching Chris's hand.

And Chris's hand clutched his.

Davey looked up, not daring to believe it. He watched, wide-eyed, as Chris's head turned to the side on the pillows. Chris groaned, then choked slightly on the feeding tube. His body shifted on the mattress, as he steadily rose into consciousness.

"Doctor! Doctor!" Davey called out as he pressed the emergency button. He turned back to Chris. "Chris, baby, it's me! It's Davey!"

A doctor and a nurse rushed in, pushing Davey aside. He watched, his heart pounding, as the doctor pulled the feeding tube from Chris's throat. As he did so, Chris opened his eyes, surveying the room wildly.

"Chris, it's alright, you're in the hospital," said the doctor.

"H-How long?" the guitarist croaked.

"You have been in a coma for a month. It is now May. How are you feeling?"

Chris slowly opened his mouth to answer, when he turned his head and saw Davey. Davey gave a small smile. Chris could only stare back.

"Well, this gentleman has come in as often as he can, as have the rest of your bandmates. Your fans in and out of the hospital have also taken care to wish you well... I think I'll leave you two alone now," said the doctor. "Call if you need anything." He and the nurse retreated from the room.

Davey stepped forward. "Chris."

"Davey?"

Davey went awkwardly to his bedside. "Are you alright?" he asked, unsure of himself.

"Davey... I thought... why?"

"Chris... I... Oh Chris, I'm sorry!" Davey fell to his knees by the bed. "I never wanted to hurt you ever! I just wanted your life to be easier, better. I loved you the whole time, I always did! When I found out you were in a coma, I was so afraid..."

"Davey," Chris interrupted softly. "Calm down. I'm not dead." Slowly he reached out and brushed the top of Davey's head.

Davey brightened slightly at the touch. "D-Does this mean you'll take me back?"

Chris looked at him for a few long moments. "Davey... if I hadn't been hurt, would you still have taken me back?"

Davey's shoulders slumped a little. He'd never thought of how they'd resolve their relationship when Chris woke up, he'd just hoped Chris would get better. It'd never occurred to him that Chris would have difficulty forgiving him.

"But Chris, I still love you! They were all right about us, Jade and Kay and the others, we belong together! I know now, nothing would have kept us apart forever. Please, Chris, give me another chance," Davey begged, panicking as Chris turned away. He'd spent a month fearing that his lover was at death's door, and he wasn't ready for rejection.

"I don't know, Davey. I was hurt when you left me..."

"And I'll do anything to make it up to you. We can go back to the way our relationship was before, maybe it can be something more! I don't want us to be apart again."

"But what if you decide that you were right, and that this relationship really can't work out? I do love you Davey, but I couldn't stand the pain again."

"I won't! It won't ever be that way!"

"Gerard must have said those things to Kay when she took him back," said Chris quietly, more to himself than to Davey. "And Gerard is still the bastard he always was."

"But I'm not Gerard!" cried Davey. "I love you as much as any human can love another human being!"

"Only time will tell."

Silence fell in the room. Davey was stunned and lost for words. "So you... you don't want me?"

"I do, Davey. But I couldn't stand being hurt again."

"But... Chris..."

"Please, can we not talk about this? Just sit down and tell me what's happened in the last month."

Davey opened his mouth to plead again, but Chris was staring blankly at the white sterile ceiling. He sighed and sat heavily on the bed, and as he spoke he kept his body slightly turned away, so that Chris could not see the tear that traced a silver line down his face.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, congratulations, Kay," said Gerard as they walked through the apartment door. "I guess your whole band will be back on their feet soon."

"Yeah, just two more weeks or so to make sure he's stable, and we'll be good to go!" Kay put down her bag and fumbled for her cell. "Let's see, I already called Jimmy about the tour... I'm gonna call Meg and Gordon, they are going to be so happy!"

"Okay, you do that..."

Kay headed to their room, pulling out her Sidekick. Her heart fluttered with excitement. Chris was awake, and he would be up and running within two weeks. And maybe he and Davey...

Oh yes, Davey had been there at the hospital. He'd been sitting at Chris's bedside when she and Gerard had arrived, looking rather crestfallen. Had Chris spurned him upon awakening? Well, she really couldn't blame him, what with Davey breaking his heart like that. But if they truly loved each other, it would be such a shame... after all, I did take back Gerard, didn't I?

Kay sighed as she flipped through her phone's address book for her bandmates' numbers. As she did, she reached over to adjust a pillow on Gerard's side of the bed.

What was this?

A red thong poked out of the pillow case.

Since when did I have a red thong? Since when did my underwear turn up in Gerard's pillow cases?

Kay felt the familiar iron fist of fear clench around her heart as she took the garish piece of lingerie between her fingertips.

No, I never had a thong, I never had bright colored underwear. I know that. It can only mean one thing.

Jade's words came back to her. He's being unfaithful to you now, as we speak... I can't stand by and watch you get hurt even more because you didn't face the truth.

"Oh God!" Kay sat heavily on the bed. What did she do to deserve this? Why her? Why her fiancé?

Is Jade right? Have I been in denial all along?

The red thong still hung from her fingers.

Kay got up shakily and limped out to the hallway. She could see Gerard in the living room... lighting a cigarette.

This can't go on.

"G-Gerard."

"Hm? Kay?"

"W-What is this?" As she entered the living room area, she held up the thong.

And there! She saw it. Gerard very clearly blanched at the sight of the thong before coughing a little and collecting himself.

"What do you mean? Isn't that yours?"

"Bullshit, Gerard! This is not mine and you know it! You know I don't wear thongs like this, much less red ones! This, this is buttfloss!" She threw it on the floor. "I want you to tell me right now, who was in this apartment before I came out of the hospital?"

"What..."

"I want to know, Gerard! Busy on tour, indeed! You had enough time to take a woman into our apartment, but you only had time to see me once in the hospital..."

"Dammit, Kay! That's enough!" Gerard snapped, jumping to his feet. "I've had enough of these fucking accusations from you!"

"And I've had enough of your lies!"

"Lies?? Kay, how are we going to make it if you keep all these suspicions running through your head, if you keep rummaging through my goddamn stuff? This is fucking ridiculous!"

"You're the one who's ridiculous! I was in that hospital with a concussion, with this morphine in my blood and my goddamn bleeding leg in a cast! But you didn't bother to come see me as soon as you found out our bus crashed! No, you were just a couple miles away, cuddling with Miss Red Thong..."

"Shut up!"

"Look who's talking, you man-whore!"

SMACK.

Kay didn't see Gerard's hand coming towards her, only the malicious wrath in his face, but she felt the backside impact against her cheek and the blow knocked her head into the wall. She cried out, clutching simultaneously at her forehead and her face. To her horror, the hand on her forehead came away wet with scarlet. Gerard had re-opened the wound from the bus accident.

"Oh, Kay..." The anger melted from Gerard's face, replaced with horrified regret. He knelt beside her. "Kay, I'm so sorry... come here..."

Just then, a flare of rage went up in Kay's heart. "Get away from me!" she shrieked, shoving Gerard away from her and stumbling to her feet. "You bastard!"

"Kay, please..." Gerard scrambled after her. "I'm sorry!"

"Get away! Get the FUCK away!" She limped as fast as she could to the door and opened it.

"No, Kay! Baby, where are you going?"

"Don't call me that!" And she slammed the door behind her.

She ran down the stairs and out the apartment building. She ran down the street, not caring where she was going. As she ran she cried. She cried for the life she'd wanted, the one that was crumbling once more before her very eyes. There was once again a void opening, and it was sucking her in.

Why? Why?

The night rushed by her. It was raining, and the drops cut at her face. It's just like that first time... This was all too familiar. History, all her mistakes, they were repeating themselves.

As Kay ran out of breath, she realized she was in the park. At this time of night, it was deserted. A swing set creaked eerily. A light breeze ruffled the darkened and wet grass. Goosebumps rose on her arms.

Clutching her arms around herself in the rain, she walked toward the white gazebo that stood a stone's throw away. When she reached it, she sat down on one of the damp benches. What was she going to do now?

But she could think of no more to do but cry, which she did so with her head in her hands. She wept bitterly, wallowing in her dark, blank misery. She felt useless, vulnerable. So inadequate.

"Kay?"

Kay jumped at the sound of the voice. She looked up and saw a figure coming towards her. Flinching at first, she inspected it... him. She gasped.

"Jade?" Her voice cracked.

"Kay, what are you doing here?" Jade sprinted towards her and came up the steps of the gazebo. "Kay... are you bleeding?"

Kay sat there dumbly, tears streaming down her face. As Jade drew nearer, she could see the care and concern in his face, even in the dark. His gaze strayed to her forehead... and the blood on it.

"Oh, Kay, what happened to you?"

Kay turned away, shaking her head. She choked on a sob when Jade touched her shoulder. He sat beside her, and she let him put his arms around her and draw her close. Kay threw her arms around his waist and cried openly into his chest. She felt his palm press the back of her head.

"You poor thing... it's alright, Kay. It'll be okay," he cooed to her, stroking her damp hair.

"Oh, Jade!"

They clutched each other in the dark of the gazebo, as the rain came down around them.

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen: Nothing You Can Say Can Stop Me Going Home

Jade parked Smith's car in the lot of FYE and went in. He'd promised Kay that he'd pick up Saosin's debut album for her - her iPod had been smashed in the bus crash, and she was dying of boredom. Sure, she didn't exactly ask him to buy the CD for her, but he just wanted to do something for her.

He'd gone back to the hospital and visited Kay whenever he could. Kay could now move about in a wheelchair, and sometimes, the nurses allowed him to take her outside to the terrace. There, they talked as long as Jade's schedule and the visitor times would allow. Underneath her cheerfulness and smiles, however, Jade could tell that Kay was unhappy. Aside from worry about the future of her band, Jade knew Kay also harbored fears in the back of her mind about her coming marriage.

Jade was at a loss as to whether to tell Kay about Gerard's infidelity. He wasn't sure if it was his place to tell her, or if she'd even believe him. But Jade became heated when he heard about Gerard's abandonment of his fiancée. Gerard had only visited Kay once since the accident, and Jade had been leaving just as he came in. As Jade exited Kay's room, he'd looked up to see Gerard approaching. Jade gave him a curt nod, which Gerard returned, but with a suspicious gleam in his eyes. Jade couldn't help but feel a sense of bitter satisfaction at his rival's jealousy. It was what the jackass deserved.

In the store there was a promo poster for the Projekt Revolution tour, which Kay had said that MCR would be playing at this summer. She'd wanted to check out some of the other bands in the lineup, Saosin being on of them.

Jade went to the "S" section of the rock/pop section and found Saosin. He selected the limited edition album with the extra DVD and bonus tracks. A small smile came to his face; he knew Kay liked the special edition of anything.

As he went to pay for the CD, he looked back up at the Projekt Revolution poster. One of the bands' names caught his eye. A thought came to his mind.

That girl on the bench with Gerard...

He ran back to the CD section, searching for the right band. He grabbed one of the albums and surveyed cover photo of the members.

Eureka!

"Gotcha," he whispered.

------------

"Jade, could you hand me my other crutch? It's over there... thanks." Kay gathered her crutches together as she adjusted herself in the wheelchair, in the midst of hundreds of get-well cards and flowers from fans. The doctors had given her permission to leave the hospital that day, and Jade had come to see her before Gerard came to pick her up.

"No problem," he replied. "When is Gerard coming?"

"In about half an hour, I think."

"What will you do now? I mean, before you can go on tour again."

"Well obviously, touring is off until I get my cast off and my ribs are healed, which won't be for at least a month. In the meantime, we'll all stick around the LA area to be near Chris. How long we stay depends on him, of course." Kay picked absentmindedly at her cast. "Gerard's rented a place in LA for us, so we can be together before he goes on Projekt Rev."

And then he'll be free to chase ass, Jade thought sarcastically. He swallowed hard. "That's... that's good."

"By the way, thanks for the Saosin album! You really didn't have to do that, you know."

"Oh no, it's my pleasure. I know you love those guys."

Kay laughed softly, and looked down again, studying her cast closely. Jade turned away, sighing. When Kay married, would she have another moment with him again, like the moments they'd had together during her hospital stay? It was like the old times when AFI and the Black Diamonds were touring together, and Jade still had hope of winning Kay. He'd enjoyed it, that false hope...

"Jade...? Are you okay?"

"What?" He quickly turned back to her.

"Is anything wrong, Jade?"

"No... nothing," Jade lied, avoiding Kay's eyes. When she looked at him like that, the beauty of her gaze bore into him like a knife. God, I love her.

"Are you sure? I mean... I don't know... I feel like you've been brooding a lot lately." Her white hands fluttered in a helpless gesture.

"Oh... I'm sorry." Jade could think of nothing else to say. His heart seemed so full of his misery that it threatened to clog his throat.

"No, Jade, it's fine, but... look, you visit me in the hospital, you do things for me, you listen to all my problems... but you used to talk about yourself more with me and now you don't."

"What are you saying?" he asked, his voice hollow.

"I guess I feel like... even though you're still close to me, another part of you is drawing itself away. I mean, we're friends and it... pains me."

Jade's heart nearly broke at these words. The last thing he wanted was for Kay to be in pain, let alone being the cause of it. He went over to Kay's wheelchair and went down on one knee in front of her, taking her hand.

"I'm sorry, Kay. Truly, I am. I never wanted to alienate you ever. Believe me." He looked up into those wide, lovely eyes, hoping to convey nothing but the truth.

"Then tell me what's bothering you."

He hung his head, his heart suddenly beating wildly. His hands were stiff and clammy. Was this his chance? "I wish I could say."

"Tell me."

Jade swallowed and took a deep breath. "Kay... I love you."

Kay blinked. "What?"

There's no turning back now. "I love you," he repeated, his voice growing stronger. "I'm in love with you, and have been in love with you ever since we met. It's why I do what I do for you, and it's why I've been in pain."

Kay stared back at him for a moment. "I... wait, no..." she stammered. "No, Jade, you can't... that's not possible... that doesn't make sense, Jade!"

Oh God, I knew it. "Why ever not?"

"But you've been happy for me! You said so! And when Gerard and I got engaged, you told me congratulations. I mean... just... no..."

"You think I didn't want to walk over and snatch that ring out of his hands? You think I didn't want to strangle him right there and then? You never thought I wanted to be the one in his place, proposing to you? Believe me, I've wanted to do all those things so badly. But you know why I didn't? Because I saw that you loved him. You were happy. And because I loved you, and still do, I decided that your happiness was more important than whatever I felt for you. Because that was what I wanted for you, for you to be happy." And Jade knew his heart was at its most vulnerable. She could take it or shatter it, such was her power over him.

Kay looked at him sadly. "Jade, you should have told me before."

"Yes, maybe I should have. But what would you have done? Would that have changed anything? Would that have changed the way you took Gerard back?" Kay could only look away.

"That night he came, Kay, I was going to tell you. I was sure I was going to tell you. I even hoped that you already knew. I thought I could show my love in my actions, but you only ever had eyes for Gerard. Nothing I ever did for you could get through to you. But I was willing to put my feelings aside so that you could be happy.

"And now you're unhappy with him, and it kills me even more to stand by and watch."

"What??" Kay exclaimed, jerking her hand out of Jade's grasp. "What do you mean, I'm unhappy? I'm perfectly happy with Gerard! We love each other, and just because he can't visit me more than once in the hospital doesn't mean we can't make it through hard times!" she almost snapped, unaware that she was ripping Jade's heart out, vessel by broken vessel.

"How can you honestly tell me you're happy?" Jade quickly stood up, looking down at her. "The sad part is, you see his faults but you blind yourself to them. Why, Kay, why?" He was desperately pleading now. "Why are you doing this, when he's been so unfaithful to you? When he's being unfaithful to you now, as we speak?"

"Jade, stop!" Kay had heard enough. "Stop this now! You're going way too far. I can't believe you're doing this, Jade. Telling me how you feel is one thing, but accusing my fiancé of cheating? How dare you! I never though you'd go as far as to lie to me..."

"Kay! Why would I lie to you?!" Jade felt like crying. "Why would I lie, when my heart is already broken? When have I ever lied to you, except to hide my feelings from you? I would never hurt you deliberately, but I can't stand by and watch you get hurt even more because you didn't face the truth."

"Shut up, Jade! I don't want to hear anymore!" Kay shrieked, clamping her hands over her ears.

"Please listen, Kay, I only want - "

"I don't want to hear it!"

Jade bowed his head, stung. Tears threatened in his eyes. When he ventured a glance at Kay again, her face was stony and blank. Her eyes were cold and gazed at nothing.

"I... I'm sorry, Kay. I'd do anything for you..." He turned away and started towards the door.

Before he went out he turned back to Kay. Her expression remained cold and immutable, and cut Jade to the quick.

"I'm sorry, Kay. I love you too much." With that he left the room and closed the door behind him.

Jade slumped against the wall as soon as he came out. He felt empty and raw inside from the release of his feelings. Kay knew now, and their friendship might be beyond salvageable. But in a way he felt better, for he could not have gone on any longer suffering in silence.

He sighed, and began to make his way back down the corridor when a hand abruptly grabbed his arm. Jade looked up, shocked, into the fuming eyes of Gerard Way.

"You! What the hell are you doing here??" demanded the unfaithful fiancé.

"Pardon?" Jade attempted to wring his arm out of Gerard's manacle grip.

"Don't you fucking play dumb with me! I've seen you here, and I've seen you around Kay. What have you been doing with my fiancée??"

"I haven't done anything with Kay!" retorted Jade truthfully, still struggling with Gerard. "And for the record, she's innocent."

"That I can believe! But don't think I can't see that you're trying to seduce her! She's not yours! You think you have a chance with her?? The only man she cares about is me! It's never going to be you, asshole! Go find a piece of ass of your own, got it? You got that, fucker?!"

Jade's blood boiled. How dare he? "That's all she is to you, isn't she? A piece of ass. You're disgusting, you know that? You know, I could tell her that you're two-timing on her! I could tell her that I saw you chasing pussy the other day in the broad daylight of Los Angeles..."

Gerard grabbed Jade's collar in both fists and shoved him against the wall. Jade winced slightly at the impact on the back of his skull. He wanted to shrink away from the wild blood-shot eyes flashing in the face he hated, but returned Gerard's glare.

"You bastard!" Gerard hissed, his face reddening with rage. "What do you know about me?! You wouldn't dare do that!! I would murder you before you did that!! People like you are revolting!! If you ever...!"

"I know who it is, Gerard!" Jade hissed back. He no longer feared the rabid singer. Gerard was nothing to fear. "I know you're cheating on Kay, and I know that you're with Lyn-Z from Mindless Self-Indulgence, and you'll get to fuck her on tour all summer long..."

"YOU...!!" Jade's head jerked back as Gerard swung his fist into his cheekbone.

"Stop that! What's going on!" called a voice down the hall. A group of nurses came running towards them.

"What's going on? We're going to call security!"

"You fucker!! You goddamn fucker!!!" roared Gerard, as the nurses pulled him away from Jade.

Jade pried himself away from the throng and made his way down the hallway. As he hurried away, he heard Gerard hollering behind him, "Stay away from her!!! I'll kill you the next time I see you!! GOT THAT, YOU FUCKER??!!!"

Jade ignored him and hurried to the parking lot. But as he reached his car, he could not shake away the sting of Gerard's words.

You think you have a chance with her?... It's never going to be you, asshole!

-----------

As soon as Jade left the room, Kay began to tremble uncontrollably. She was shaken inside and out. Jade's words echoed in her mind, loud as a battering ram.

I'm sorry Kay. I love you too much.

Jade loved her. He was in love with her and had been the whole time they'd been friends. Holy shit, she thought. She didn't need another person complicating her life, especially not her confidante. Why must people be so fucked up?

No, that wasn't fair. She shouldn't begrudge Jade of feelings he couldn't help having. After he couldn't help loving her, any more than she and Gerard could help loving each other...

Oh, and that stuff about Gerard. Why did Jade accuse him of cheating on her? What right did he have to do such a thing? What ground did he have? Because this was a serious accusation, especially since it had happened before...

"No..." Kay rubbed her temples, trying to ward these thoughts away. Thinking about all this wasn't helping one bit.

"Baby?"

Kay jumped. She hadn't noticed the door opening. "Gerard?"

"Hey... how are you?" he asked. Kay noticed his face was rather red and agitated, despite his attempt at tenderness.

"G-good," was all she could manage.

"Kay? Are you alright? You look kinda pale..." Gerard knelt in front of her and put a hand to her forehead. Kay shuddered, and for a moment she wished to draw herself away from his touch. What is wrong with me? He's my fiancé...

"Oh, Gerard!" She leaned into her boyfriend's embrace, needing to be held by somebody, anybody.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Yes... no... yes... just... just get me out of here, Gerard. Get me out of this place, I can't stand it anymore!"

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen: Will You Be My Destruction? Will You Help Me To Be Through?

Light.

"Kay? Kay, can you hear me?"

"Where am I?"

"You're in the hospital, Kay. Just breathe."

More light. Blurs of color. Shapeless shadows.

"I can't see."

"You have a concussion. It's not too serious. Keep breathing."

A sharp pain shot through her leg and her side. A dull ache throbbed in her skull.

"It hurts... God, it hurts..."

"It'll stop soon. Just keep breathing. It'll be alright Kay, it'll be fine..."

------------

Jade lay back on the hotel room couch, plugging his iPod into his ears. Hunter and Adam sat talking in the corner. Davey was the least at ease - he sat for a few moments, jiggling his knee up and down while checking his Sidekick, then stood up and paced about the room. Then he would sit down again and repeat the whole cycle.

Davey was worried sick about Chris, and his anxiety was the most obvious. Of course, the whole band had been perturbed ever since Chris's disturbing phone call. Worse, no one had been able to reach any of the Black Diamonds, not even Jimmy their manager, in the last two days since then. When Jade attempted to call Kay, no one picked up. And after he'd left a message on her phone, he'd clutch his photo of his beloved to him, hoping she was alright.

Just then, Smith opened the door, lines of concern etched into his forehead. "Guys... guys... you might want to hear this."

All four band members sat up at attention. "What is it, Smith?" asked Jade.

"It's about the Black Diamonds. I finally got through to Jimmy. Their bus... it ran off the highway and crashed two days ago."

Jade went weak with horror. Kay!

"What?!" Adam exclaimed. Davey's eyes widened, terrified.

"Are they... okay?" Hunter asked tentatively. They waited with bated breath for the answer.

"Well, only one person actually died, their driver. He was drunk, so he couldn't keep the bus on the lane. He hit his head on the steering wheel. The others should be alright, except..." Here Smith sighed.

"Except...?"

"Well..." Smith deliberately avoided Davey's eyes. "Chris... he's in a coma."

"No!!" Davey fell to his knees. "Not Chris!" He burst into a deluge of mournful sobs, as Adam and Hunter hoisted him up to the couch to console him. "My baby!"

Jade stood in place, stunned. The meaning of Chris's phone call had hit them all - he'd been calling to say goodbye.

He felt Smith's hand on his shoulder, and looked up to meet his little brother's eyes. "Smith... do you know if Kay is okay?"

"Jimmy said she's in stable condition. She broke her calf when a monitor rolled over it, and then got a bad concussion and a few broken ribs when she was thrown into a wall."

Jade winced. He hated imagining Kay's beautiful body being tossed about it in a wayward bus. If it hadn't been Chris, it could have been her...

"I have to see her, Smith. I have to see that she's alright."

"You can now. You have a couple days off. They're all at a hospital in LA. And..." Smith looked back at Davey, whose body was shaking with tears. "Dave should go too."

Jade nodded. "I'll get going then."

"You must love her, Jade."

"Yes, Smith. I do."

------------

Jade hated hospitals, and always had ever since he'd had his tonsils removed when he was five. They were so sterile, and always carried this awful medicinal stench about them. So he thought, as the polyester-clad nurse led him to Kay's room.

The nurse stopped outside the door and opened it for Jade. He took a deep breath and stepped inside.

The room was dimly lit, and the curtains were shut, probably to avert intrusive paparazzi. Kay lay there asleep in the hospital cot, her hands lying limp beside her on the covers. One of her arms was attached to an IV. Under the blanket was a huge lump that was her cast. A bandage was wrapped around one side of her head and just above her eyebrow. Jade could make out an ugly bruise and a wound creeping from under the bandage, a stark contrast to the rest of her pallid face. Her breaths, though even, were shallow and hoarse from her broken ribs.

To Jade she was like a broken flower - so vulnerable, yet so beautiful. She was always beautiful. Broken or well, he knew he'd always love her fully and unconditionally. Even if his love was unrequited, he'd still go to the ends of the earth for her.

He pulled a chair to her bedside and sat down heavily. He'd steal a few moments, and memorize the face he had no right to...

Kay stirred. Her head shifted on the pillow, and her hands curled into fists and loosened. Jade waited, his heart drumming against his ribs. Kay slowly opened her eyes, one after the other. At first she furrowed her brows, waiting for her sight to come into focus. Jade watched as her eyes settled on him, and brightened as she recognized him.

"Jade?" she whispered. "You came?"

"Of course I came, Kay." Jade leaned forward, smiling. "How are you?"

Kay tried to smile through her recurring pain. "Look gorgeous, don't I?" she replied sarcastically

Jade laughed. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

Kay rolled her eyes. "If you say so. My head hurts like a bitch. It still hurts a little to breathe."

"And your leg?"

"My leg was terrible for a bit, but it's better. The doctors told me it's a clean break, so it'll heal faster."

Jade nodded. "What about everyone else?"

"Jimmy only got some cuts and bruises, the lucky bastard. Gordon and Meg have broken arms..." She blinked away tears as she thought of their guitarist. "Oh... Chris... oh god..."

Jade reached over and placed his hand over hers. "Kay..."

"Oh Jade... Chris is in a coma! He could..." Tears escaped the corners of her eyes, and she shut them and turned away.

"I know Kay, I know."

"Does Davey know?"

"Yes, he does." Jade bowed his head. "He was... very upset."

After a brief silence, Kay spoke again. "Chris wanted to die, Jade! That's why he stood in the middle of the bus waiting for us to crash while we all shouted for him to get down. I would have forced him if I could... my leg was broken. He didn't want to live anymore... But maybe I should have tried..."

Jade gingerly placed his other hand on her bandaged forehead. "Don't blame yourself, Kay. You were hurt, the bus was crazy. You couldn't have helped him."

"I don't know what will happen to the band if he doesn't make it. Chris and I wrote almost all the songs together, and he's like a little brother to all of us. It won't be the same..."

"Shhh... don't think about that now. You should think about getting better yourself. You worry so much about other people, Kay. It'll be alright."

Kay calmed down at his words and was silent. Jade gently stroked her head, barely giving a thought to the appropriateness of his intimate gesture. After all, she was engaged. Jade's eyes fell on Kay's left hand, the one he wasn't covering with his own, and still conveyed that loathsome engagement ring. Why couldn't it, too, have been lost in the bus crash?

"Hold my hand, Jade," Kay whispered.

Jade obliged, curling his fingers around Kay's unadorned hand. The fingers were slightly calloused, but the palm was soft and smooth. Slowly, he brought it to his chest and held it there. I could do this forever, he thought, stroking the pad of his thumb across the white skin.

"What would I do without you as a friend, Jade?" said Kay. "You try so hard to be there for me. I wish Gerard..." Kay stopped herself short.

"You wish Gerard... what?" Jade tried to keep his mood from going sour at the mention of his rival.

"Oh, I don't know... he hasn't been in to see me yet." Kay sighed.

"What? But it's been two days since the accident, and he hasn't come to see you?"

"No. Apparently he's too busy with his tour. But I understand."

"No, Kay, that's... that's still fucked up. You could have died. What guy wouldn't come to see that his fiancée was okay?" Jade sat back in frustration. It was bad enough that Kay was engaged to a guy who wasn't him, but a guy who didn't care enough to see his fiancée in the hospital?

"Jade, what's the matter with you?" Kay was taken aback by Jade's sudden change in mood. "Look, you know he can't afford to drop everything in the middle of the tour. This is an important year for him. I wouldn't want him to abandon his band at the busiest point in their tour."

Why doesn't she get it? Jade couldn't believe she could be so blind to her fiancé's faults, so damn forgiving! But what right did he have to think that? He didn't even have a single stake with Kay. "I guess so," he said resignedly.

Kay's head fell back against the pillows as she exhaled, exhausted. Appraising her frail form, Jade suddenly regretted pouring out his frustration on her. How could he rationalize her fiancé's behavior for her, when she didn't need any more stress, when her band was peril? "I'm sorry, I got worked up," he apologized. "These past few weeks have been so hard..."

"It's alright, I understand," said Kay, closing her eyes. Her fingers feebly squeezed his hand.

Jade felt a painful tug at his heart. He knew he could take care of Kay so much better than Gerard could, yet he was barred from doing so. What had he ever done to deserve such unrequited love?

Kay's voice came again in a whisper. "Jade... I'm not allowed out of bed. Go see Chris for me? Please?"

"Of course," he replied.

Kay smiled weakly and her eyes fluttered closed again. Soon her breathes were shallow and even, if a bit raspy. Jade watched her sleep for a few more moments, then rose from his chair. He bent over her and touched his lips to her forehead.

"Anything for you," he whispered. Then he turned and left the room, glancing back at Kay one last time before he closed the door behind him.

Across the hall, Jade entered Chris's room. The guitarist lay still as a corpse on the bed. He wore a neck brace, and countless bruises were scattered over his body. Jade winced as he took in the tubes pumping fluids into Chris's body and the discs attached to his forehead. Worse, the guitarist's beautiful and lively face was stony and lifeless, reminding Jade of the cold marble effigies of royals on their tombs. In a way, he was glad that Kay wasn't here to see her band mate like this.

Just then, the door burst open. "Chris!" cried Davey.

He ran over to Chris's side and threw himself across the still body. "My baby!" he sobbed loudly, cradling Chris's head and kissing the cold lips over and over. "I love you... I love you... I'm sorry..."

Jade bowed his head, both abashed and saddened as he witnessed the scene. Fate is cruel, he thought. After all, what a mess! Kay is with a guy who doesn't care enough to see her in the hospital. I'm in love with Kay. Davey is heartbroken over Chris, who's now in a coma because he was heartbroken over Davey. What is this?

------------

Later, Jade sat in traffic on the way back to the hotel, deep in thought. He had a lot ahead of him. As soon as Davey returned as well and recovered, they all had to practice for an upcoming festival. And also, he had to prepare for a radio interview, and...

... Why did that guy sitting on that bench over on the pavement look vaguely familiar?

Jade leaned closer to the driver's window, not believing it.

Gerard Way himself was sitting there on the bench... with his arm around a girl.

A girl who was most definitely not Kay.

An uninjured girl who was not even pretty enough to be Kay.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath, as Gerard leaned in to kiss the girl. He didn't know whether to be pleased or angry.

Gerard was cheating on Kay again. The bastard hadn't changed one bit.

Jade gripped the steering wheel even tighter, smirking bitterly.

"Busy on tour, my ass... you fucking bastard."

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen: City Lights Like Flames Dance And Explode

â�œKay! Kay! I love you! Can I have your autograph? Can you sign my CD booklet?â�

Kay smiled and signed the said CD booklet, and posed for a photo with the last ardent teenage fangirl. She gave the fan a hug, and then wove through the thinning crowd. Meg appeared at her side.

â�œWhereâ�™s Chris?â� asked Kay, rubbing her tired eyes. â�œHe promised me heâ�™d sign a few autographs for the fans before getting on the bus.â�

â�œHe signed autographs, donâ�™t worry. But that doesnâ�™t mean he wonâ�™t sulk all the way to our next show.â�

â�œSulk,â� sighed Kay, â�œis a gross understatement.â�

Chrisâ�™s depression, instead of healing as everyone had hoped, was growing worse. Every night his heartbroken sniffles, quiet as they were, pierced the ears of his band mates. His performances at shows were still good, but they werenâ�™t great, like they used to be. He no longer leapt onto the monitors, nor waved at the cheering crowds, nor interacted with his other band mates onstage. When Kay held his head and applied his makeup for him â�“ for heâ�™d no will to do it himself â�“ his dead and blank eyes cut her to the quick.

Gordon was in the back lounge, watching an episode of â�œSupernaturalâ� when they boarded the bus. â�œHey,â� he called.

â�œHey, Gordon. Is Chris already here?â� asked Kay.

â�œOh please, like, when is he not here?â�

â�œGordon, keep your voice down!â� scolded Meg.

â�œSorry. But itâ�™s the truth. Heâ�™s always on the bus, and heâ�™s always sulking.â�

â�œDonâ�™t be so callous. Heâ�™s heartbroken, and you have to understand. You werenâ�™t like this when I split with Gerard.â�

â�œAt least you didnâ�™t sulk on the bus all the time and fuck up the shows, Kay. You were strong for the band.â�

â�œPeople are different, and Chris isnâ�™t fucking up the shows â�“ â�

â�œLook, I feel shitty about him and Davey too!â� Gordon threw up his hands in frustration. â�œBut his relationship problems are getting me, you, and everyone else in our crew. Heâ�™s starting to scare me, and I bet heâ�™s scaring you too. Look at the blood on his sheets. Look at his razors. Look at what happened last week.â�

Last week, Gordon had walked into Chrisâ�™s hotel room, and found the guitarist leaning dangerously over the balcony. It had taken both Gordon and Jimmy to wrestle him away, crying and shouting the whole way. Before that, the three other Black Diamonds had discovered blood on Chrisâ�™s bedsheets and his razorblades. Chris, breaking under their constant questioning, revealed deep lacerations on his arms.

Kay and Meg sat across from Gordon, worry hanging over all three of them like a hideous cloud.

â�œHe needs help, for sure,â� said Kay. â�œBut weâ�™ll have to wait until the tour is overâ�¦â�

â�œI donâ�™t know how much longer we can wait, though,â� said Meg, shaking her head. â�œBy the time the tour is over, it might be too late.â�

Just then the bus veered sharply, and they shifted in their seats. The bus jerked again, and Kayâ�™s heart leapt to her throat.

â�œWhatâ�™s going on?â�

â�œThe driver, I think he had a bit to drink,â� replied Gordon. â�œBut Iâ�™m sure â�“ â�

BANG!

Gordon was nearly thrown out of his seat from the impact on his side, as the bus slammed into the concrete wall beside the highway lane. Towards the front, they heard Jimmy holler, â�œWhatâ�™re you tryna pull???!!!â� Outside, car horns sounded around the bus.

â�œWeâ�™re almost off the highway!â� shrieked Meg, as the bus rocked from side to side. Kay reached over and pulled the curtains aside on one of the windows, and her heart leapt again with terror. Indeed, the bus tires were slipping on and off the highway, and threatening to tip the entire vehicle into the forested incline beside the grey strip of road.

â�œSomebody needs to stop the driver!â� Gordon yelled, as all three tried to get up and make their way up front. At that moment, they were all thrown down on the floor as the bus reared dangerously. Up front, they heard shouts from the crew members.

As the floor of the bus shifted beneath her, Kay had never been more frightened in her life. This wasnâ�™t the endâ�¦ it wasnâ�™tâ�¦ and yet the bus was falling away from the street lights, into the darknessâ�¦

â�œWeâ�™re off the highway!â� she heard someone shout. The bus groaned and tipped sideways, hitting a boulder in the dark with a metallic crack!

Equipment was flying everywhere now. A monitor, coming out of seemingly nowhere, flew towards Kay and smashed into her leg before rolling away. Kay cried out as white-hot pain seared through her body. She reached and tried to clutch her leg, but black spots obscured her vision, and she grabbed at thin air.

In the midst of chaos, she could just make out Chris, stepping out from the bunk area, pale as a ghost. In his hand, he clutched his cell phone.

--------------

Daveyâ�™s Sidekick whirred in his pocket. Without checking the caller ID, he answered.

â�œHello?â�

â�œDavey.â�

Daveyâ�™s heart clenched in his chest. That voice.

â�œChris, what is it?â� He felt his bandmatesâ�™ eyes suddenly boring into his neck.

â�œI need to tell you, Daveyâ�¦ I love you.â�

Davey shut his eyes, fighting back tears. He ached with all his heart to return those feelings, but struggled to sound firm. â�œPlease, Chris, not now. Iâ�™ve already explained myself.â�

â�œPlease hear me out, Davey. I might never get another chance.â�

â�œWhy? What do you - ?â� Why is the background so loud?

â�œI love you, Davey. Music canâ�™t compare what you are to me. Every moment with you was magic. I was reborn when I met you. I loved you at first sight, and that will never change.â�

Daveyâ�™s lip trembled. He wanted to reach across the phone connection and pull his baby to him and never let go.

â�œAnd even if you donâ�™t love me anymore, Iâ�™ll always be by your side, watching over you.â�

A lump grew in Daveyâ�™s throat. That was a lie! He did love Chris, and with every fiber of his being. â�œThatâ�™sâ�¦ thatâ�™s not true, Chris, I doâ�¦â� His voice cracked. Then he heard the loud bangs in the background, and the screamsâ�¦ panicked screams. â�œWhatâ�™s going on there, Chris? Where are you?â�

â�œNever mind that. Just remember what I said.â�

Davey heard a voice â�“ Kayâ�™s voice â�“ shriek, â�œGet down, Chris!!!â� More screams.

â�œReally, Chris, whatâ�™s going on?â�

â�œI love youâ�¦ donâ�™t forget me.â� A crash echoed in the background. Daveyâ�™s heart pounded faster.

â�œChris â�“ â�

â�œGoodbye.â� A deafening crackle of static.

â�œChris!â�

The line went dead.

----------------

The bus was out of control now, crashing into trees and rocks. And yet Chris calmly stood there, steadying himself on a chair, holding his cell to his ear.

â�œChris!â� Kay screamed, holding her leg. â�œGET DOWN, CHRIS!!!!â� One of the guitars, one of the amps was going to hit himâ�¦

She saw his lips form the words I love you before an enormous tree shattered the window, and the bus glanced off a boulder.

â�œNo!!â� Kay cried out as Chris flew out of the shattered window, before she was slammed into the wall.

All went dark.

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Thirteen

OMG, I'm really sorry! I just parted from a month of SAT prep and midterms in six subjects. And lately I've been busy with all this college stuff. So, thirteenth chapter. 13 has an ominous ring to it, doesn't it? Man, you all are going to HATE me after you read this...

Chapter Thirteen: Will You Hold Three Tears Iâ�™ve Saved For You?

â�œIâ�™m off!â� announced Chris, coming through the connecting door to Kayâ�™s hotel room. Heâ�™d elegantly outlined his eyes and put on his favorite black and silver shirt.

â�œTo where?â� Kay looked up from her copy of Fight Club. â�œOh, your date with Davey?â� AFI had two days off, and Davey had stopped by the Black Diamondsâ�™ current town to see Chris. â�œHow long will you be out?â�

â�œA few hours, I think.â� Chris fumbled nervously with his belt.

â�œWhy are you so jumpy? Are things okay with Davey?â� asked Kay from her bed.

â�œYeahâ�¦ well, I think. I mean, heâ�™s been a little distant on the phone lately. I hope he hasnâ�™tâ�¦ never mind.â� He turned to go.

â�œMaybe heâ�™s a little worn out from the tour, you never know, Chris. Besides, Iâ�™m sure youâ�™ll knock him out with that eyeliner.â� Kay cast the guitarist a reassuring smile. He smiled back.

â�œYouâ�™re probably right. See you in a few.â�

â�œAlright, see ya.â�

-------------

â�œIâ�™m sorry, Kay, but thatâ�™s how it is. They want us in the UK on that day, and thatâ�™s that,â� said Gerard over the phone.

Kay sighed. Yet again, MCRâ�™s arrangements had interfered with her meeting Gerard again. Yes, she understood that going to the UK was important, and sheâ�™d also had to make cancellations in order to accommodate her band as well. But there were all the other times Gerard had cancelled his meetings with her â�“ and for lesser obligations, like little interviews and such. And her fiancÃ© was becoming increasingly callous about cancellations, which made Kay just a little uncomfortable.

â�œOkay,â� she huffed resignedly. â�œWeâ�™ll wait until you come back from Europe then. But that doesnâ�™t give us a whole lot of time to plan our wedding.â�

â�œWe donâ�™t need a whole lot of planning. Weâ�™ll make it plan and simple. We can just get married backstage at one of our shows. No fuss whatsoever.â�

â�œBut Gerard, whatâ�™s wrong with a proper wedding? Donâ�™t you want all our friends to come and see us?â�

Theyâ�™d had this argument before as well. Gerard wanted his marriage to be quick and easy, but Kay wasnâ�™t in accord with him. To her, a five-minute ceremony at the backstage of some theater was not her idea of a proper wedding.

â�œWe can have all our friends there, Kay, without all that fancy shit. Itâ�™s all so sick and clichÃ©. If we love each other, why do we need a fucking proper wedding just to show it?â�

Kay knew this trick of Gerardâ�™s. He liked to inject guilt into the conversation, questioning her love for him, and bend her to his point of view. Sheâ�™d learned to deflect him years ago, but she decided this wasnâ�™t time to pick a fight with him.

â�œLook, Gerard, you have a long day tomorrow and so do I. Weâ�™ll talk about this later when we have a chance, okay?â� Kay leaned against the headboard, rubbing her temples. Why did she get so many stress headaches nowadays?

â�œAlright.â� Kay heard Gerard sigh. â�œIâ�™ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, baby.â�

Kayâ�™s heart stirred with affection. â�œI love you too. Say hi to Mikey for me and go to sleep.â�

â�œâ�˜Night, Kay-kay.â�

â�œâ�˜Night, Gerry.â�

When they both hung up, Kay put the phone aside and sank under the covers of her bed. She sighed. Despite their professions of love and exchanges of pet names, Kay still felt subtly stung â�“ by what, she couldnâ�™t put her finger on it. His emotionless postponement of their meeting, his brusque dismissal of her ideas for their weddingâ�¦

Sure, Kay still loved Gerard and wanted to stay with him for the rest of her life. But somewhere along the way, Gerard had lost that ability to understand her and what she wanted. It wasnâ�™t always this way. At times like these, Kay longed for Jadeâ�™s soothing presence. He was such a good listener, never interrupting until she was finished, and always comforting her with just the right words. How she wished they were still touring with AFI.

Kay switched the bedside light off and pulled the covers over her head. She could never deal with her worries without sleep.

And she had a dream.

She was standing on a balcony, watching the sun set over the city â�“ New York or LA, maybe? â�“ in a bed of orange and crimson. Even in a dream, the sight took her breath away, and her heart felt it would burst with pure happiness she had not known in a long time.

A pair of slender hands surrounded her waist from behind. â�œAre you warm?â� Kay felt more than heard the deep voice next to her ear.

â�œI love you, Kay.â�

Kay smiled and turned, and the man put his hand behind her neck. She stood up on tiptoe, and her lips met those of Jade Puget.

Kay woke with a start, a sheen of sweat soaking her tee shirt. What the hell was that? Sheâ�™d been dreaming about a man who was not her fiancÃ©e! What the â�“ what is wrong with me?

A loud bang sounded on her door, and she realized what had woken her. â�œComing,â� she groaned, making her way out of her bed. Her eyes widened when she opened the door.

â�œChris??â�

An utterly distraught guitarist collapsed into her arms, sobbing inconsolably. â�œOh, Kayâ�¦â�

â�œOh god, Chris, what happened?â� she asked, stroking his back.

â�œDaveyâ�¦ he broke up with me.â�

â�œOhâ�¦â� Kay was lost for words. Sheâ�™d seen how in love Chris was with Davey, and sheâ�™d always thought those feelings were returned to the same degree.

â�œBut why would he do that to you? I thought he loved you more than anything else!â�

â�œT-thatâ�™s what he said,â� sniffled Chris. â�œBut he said it would never work out between usâ�¦ with both of us touring all the time and having to be apartâ�¦ oh Godâ�¦â�

Kay guided him over to the couch and held him close. â�œBut heâ�™s wrong! Gerard and I have been dating for years, and our bands were never a problem!â� I guess.

Chris shook his head, wiping at the trails of eyeliner on his cheeks. â�œI told him that, but he wonâ�™t change his mind! He said he loved me but we couldnâ�™t go onâ�¦â�

â�œCall him tomorrow! Talk to him! Maybe heâ�™ll realize he made a bad decision and that he loves you too much to do this.â�

â�œHe doesnâ�™t love me, Kay. Heâ�™s grown more distant all this time, and now heâ�™s dumped me. Donâ�™t you see he found an excuse to dump me? He doesnâ�™t love me anymore,â� moaned Chris, looking desolate and heartbroken.

As he cried into her arms, Kay felt anger tighten her chest. This wasnâ�™t right. Davey was wrong. Iâ�™ll talk to him.

-------------

â�œI tell you, youâ�™re wrong!â� exclaimed Adam, throwing his hands in the air.

â�œChris loves you, you love him!â� said Hunter. â�œWhy wouldnâ�™t it work out?â�

â�œHavenâ�™t you seen us scrambling to find times to meet? Havenâ�™t you seen us cancel time after time? At this rate we can never work out.â� Davey looked at his hands, trying to hide his own hurt. â�œAnd heâ�™s still so youngâ�¦ heâ�™ll find someone elseâ�¦â�

â�œChris doesnâ�™t want anybody else!â� Jade chimed in. â�œKay told me heâ�™s crying all the time and can barely pull off a good gig.â�

â�œYeah, I know what Kay thinks!â� Davey snapped. â�œShe gave me a fucking earful the next day.â� But he looked wounded by the knowledge of Chrisâ�™s suffering. â�œI only did this for him. I care about him.â�

â�œOh? Then did you know that he barely eats? Barely smiles?â�

â�œStop it.â�

â�œWhen heâ�™s not on stage, all he does is lie around cryingâ�¦â�

â�œI said stop it, Jade!â�

â�œThe whole band thinks heâ�™s developing depressionâ�¦â�

â�œSHUT THE FUCK UP, JADE!â� roared Davey. Jade, Adam and Hunter held their tongues, taken slightly aback.

â�œIâ�™ve been given enough hell for the past few days.â� The singerâ�™s hands were balled into fists. â�œI donâ�™t need it from you.â� With that he stormed away to his bunk.

Adam shook his head. â�œPathetic.â� He and Hunter sat down in the front lounge and pulled out their laptops.

Jade sat on the opposite side, sighing. Daveyâ�™s split with Chris was a real shame. Worse, Davey was incredibly stubborn, and would not even consider repairing his beautiful relationship.

Jade thought of Kay, and how sheâ�™d implored him over the phone to talk to Davey, and how heâ�™d agreed without any qualms. Hell, heâ�™d do anything for Kay, even if she didnâ�™t love him as heâ�™d like. Doing this one thing for her was the least he could do.

Jade reached into his pocket and pulled out a photo of Kay. It was a promo photograph heâ�™d secretly clipped out of a magazine and took everywhere with him. He ran the pad of his thumb over the perfect paper face, and held it to his heart, sighing again.

At least Chris had actually been with Davey. The relationship with Kay that Jade yearned for desperately had never taken place.

I'm so sorry!!!!! * bursts into tears*

Tokio Hotel Working On "Dark" Anthems For Next Album

Producers the Matrix discuss their work on upcoming LP, tentatively due in the spring.

by Gil Kaufman

It's been awhile since the production trio known as the Matrix worked on such a highly anticipated album. But that will change this spring when Tokio Hotel release the follow-up to their English

language breakthrough album, Scream. The yet-untitled album is being co-produced by the pop songwriters/producers best known for their work with Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Korn.

"We're in the middle of working on the Tokio Hotel record right now," Matrix member Lauren Christy said Tuesday, the same day the collective's long-lost album featuring a then-unknown singer by the name of Katy Perry dropped on iTunes. "We've done eight songs for that record ... and I love the singer's voice and the fact that they play their own instruments. They're a real band, and they're very dark. They're this almost-perfect, gorgeous-looking band but with music that's very dark."

So far, Christy said the German group has laid down tracks at two different Los Angeles studios with the Matrix and with their own in-house production team over the past few months, with a mix that includes very "strong, anthem-y" songs with a dark edge and "lots of guitars."

Fellow Matrix producer Scott Spock said the sessions have been one of the most exciting and enjoyable of his career. "We've worked with so many different people, and when you get into a room where magic just starts happening ... it makes everything really fun," he said, comparing the spark to the one he felt working with Lavigne and Korn. "It's the same experience with Tokio Hotel. ... They are all really talented and can write and play, and they're the real deal."

Spock said he can't recall the last time he worked with a singer who had as much star quality as TH leader Bill Kaulitz. "The music business really needs Tokio Hotel right now," Spock said. "They're reviving that image of what a rock star is. ... Their writing has developed massively, and we're experimenting a bit with some Depeche Mode influence. ... It doesn't sound like anything else out there right now. People don't want to hear a bunch of 808s and Auto-Tuned vocals. They want the real stuff."

Christy added that one of the other things she's grown to love about the rockers is their strong sense of identity, one that seems impervious to the Matrix's tendency toward a big, bright pop sound. "The band is so aware of what they are, and when you have an artist that's that strong, you can't pull them and homogenize them and make them sound like they're not. They're very opinionated about what they want."

That strong sense of self has made it easier to work with the guys as they try to introduce some more American rock styles to their sound, Spock said, while working hard not to lose that unique essence that has made them worldwide stars already. "The push and pull between the camps has been great," he said. "And I think the album will be great because of that. I'm going to look back on this in 10 years and say, 'Wow, I worked with Tokio Hotel!' "

Christy said TH came to the Matrix because they really liked the ballad they'd co-written with Avril Lavigne, "I'm With You," as well as their production on Korn's See You on the Other Side album.

"They like the sadness of that song and were really touched by it," she said of the Lavigne tune. "They like the Korn records too, but they said, 'We wouldn't do that, but it's really good. But it's not truthful to us as a band.' " So far, the Matrix have been co-writing all the songs they've worked on with TH for the album, and at press time, Scott said they had completed work on six of those tunes.

The album is tentatively due in late spring, according to Christy; a spokesperson for TH's label could not be reached for comment at press time. "Their confidence in knowing exactly who they are and what they're doing, given how youthful they are, is amazing," Spock said. "They definitely bring the dark side of the pop song, not like a Lamb of God record but with rock influences that will cross over to so many different kids ... and even some adults."

In addition to the TH album, Christy said the Matrix have been grinding away on Korn singer Jonathan Davis' solo debut, an album by "iCarly" star Miranda Cosgrove, the next Ashley Tisdale CD and the soundtrack to the rebooted "Fame."

This report is from MTV News.

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Twelve

Hey guys, just wanna say, I appreciate everyoneâ�™s tears and heartache over Jade during the last few chapters â�“ I almost cried myself while writing them. Unfortunately, Jade has a few more mopey chapters ahead of him. Pretty please, hang in there, people J

Part of this chapter is also kind of a songfic. ALL of my readers are under orders to listen to â�œSurrenderâ� by Billy Talent. Do it, slaves!! *JK!*

Chapter Twelve: Every Word, Every Thought, Every Sound

The two bands went their separate ways after their final show together at the end of February.

When AFI ended their set, Jade walked reluctantly offstage, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He loved playing shows. The venue became a universe of its own during a show, with its own spaces of time. During a show, nothing was real except the band, the fans, and the music. The show was the only reality. When it ended, Jade was forced back into the grievances of the outside world â�“ including the utter hopelessness of winning the woman he loved.

As Jade changed out of his stage outfit, he realized once again that he would no longer see Kay every day. Gerard would spirit her away for good, and there would be nothing left for Jade to hope for. And from the looks of it, there would be no changing Kayâ�™s mind.

Outside, Davey and Chris were wrapped in a tight embrace. Davey looked close to tears as he embraced his weeping boyfriend and whispered comforting words in his ear. Jade was mildly jealous of the two. At least they were made for each other and not star-crossed.

He felt someone tap him on the shoulder. Jade turned around and felt his stomach lurch as he faced his beautiful beloved.

â�œHey, Kay.â�

â�œHey Jade!â� Kay smiled brightly at him. â�œI guess this is it.â�

Jade nodded, lowering his eyes. â�œYeahâ�¦ this is it.â�

Kay appraised her friend closely for the first time in weeks. â�œYouâ�™ve seemed quite morose lately, are you sure youâ�™re okay?â�

Iâ�™m not okay, Jade thought, bitterly quoting his rivalâ�™s hit song. â�œYeahâ�¦ Iâ�™m okay.â�

â�œAlright, just making sure,â� said Kay. â�œBecause I really want to thank you for the support youâ�™ve given me during the last few months. Youâ�™ve helped me through a lot.â� She paused, waiting for a reply. Something was definitely up with Jade.

â�œNo problem,â� Jade replied. â�œBut you have Gerard again, you wonâ�™t need me anymore.â� He hoped his resentfulness hadnâ�™t shown in his voice.

Kay laughed, stirring the butterflies in Jadeâ�™s stomach. He loved the sound of her laugh. â�œMaybe not for the same reasons, but I do like talking to you. We should talk sometime, when both of us arenâ�™t on tour, or when Iâ�™m not planning my wedding.â�

Jade felt as if heâ�™d been kicked in the gut. â�œYourâ�¦ wedding? Youâ�™re already planning your wedding?â� He struggled to keep his voice even.

â�œWellâ�¦ not exactly.â� Kay looked abashed. â�œBut Gerard wants us to be married in late August or early September. Iâ�™m for it, but thatâ�™s not a lot of time to plan, since weâ�™re both so busy. But weâ�™ll manage somehow.â�

All Jade could muster was a weak â�œYeahâ�¦â�

â�œWe should keep in touch though, seriously. I love talking to you. I also want updates about Blaqk Audio. Iâ�™m really excited about that. You will update me, wonâ�™t you?â�

â�œSureâ�¦ I will.â�

Just then Jimmy called, â�œKay! Chris! Weâ�™re all set, come on!â�

â�œI guess I have to go now,â� said Kay. â�œIâ�™ll see you around then.â�

â�œYeahâ�¦ see you.â� Jade racked his brain to perpetuate this last moment he had with her, but she was already boarding the bus.

â�œKay!â� he called. She turned back to him.

â�œJade?â�

â�œT-Take care,â� he said. Kay smiled her white-toothed smile at him.

â�œYou too,â� she replied before disappearing into the tour bus with a flick of her midnight hair.

Jimmy slammed the trunk on the band gear and boarded as well. Davey and Chris stole one last painful kiss before Chris reluctantly pulled away and stepped inside. As their driver started the engine, Jade caught sight of Kayâ�™s faint figure walking through the front lounge.

â�œI love you,â� Jade whispered.

The door clanged shut on his words. The bus carried his beloved away into the night.

~~~~~~~~

Jade curled up in his bunk and cupped his headphones over his ears, putting his iPod on shuffle. He clutched his pillow against his chest and closed his eyes.

After the first five tunes, a song by Billy Talent zipped onto the screen. Jade smiled. He liked their latest album. Ben Kowalewiczâ�™s mournful voice cut through soothing guitars.

â�œShe reads a book from across the street

Waiting for someone that sheâ�™ll never meet

Talk over coffee for an hour or two

She wonders why Iâ�™m always in a good moodâ�¦â�

Jade smiled, thinking of those long talks heâ�™d had with Kay. Something had just clicked between them.

â�œKilling time before she struts her stuff

She needs support and Iâ�™ve become the crutch

Sheâ�™ll never know how much she means to me

Iâ�™d play the game, but Iâ�™m the referee.â�

I really want to thank you for the support youâ�™ve given meâ�¦Youâ�™ve helped me through a lot. Those words were meant to be kind, bless her. But they only stung Jade. Because all the support heâ�™d given her was in vain, and in the end she was still with the same man. Still unaware of the one whoâ�™d stood there waiting for her the whole time.

â�œSurrenderâ�¦ every word, every thought, every sound

Surrenderâ�¦ every touch, every smile, every frown

Surrenderâ�¦ all the pain weâ�™ve endured until now

Surrenderâ�¦ all the hope I have lost, you have found

Surrenderâ�¦ yourself to me.â�

Jade used to watch Kay as they walked through town in the sunset. He loved to watch the way the setting sun colored fiery-red streaks into her dark hair and tinted her skin a pale shade of gold. Sometimes sheâ�™d laugh and gently touch his hand at a joke or witty remark heâ�™d made. During those moments, Jadeâ�™s heart swelled with love for her, and he felt his heartache eating away at his very core.

â�œEven though I know what Iâ�™m looking for

Sheâ�™s got a brick wall behind her door

Iâ�™d travel and confess to her,

But Iâ�™m afraid sheâ�™d shoot the messenger.â�

Would things have turned out differently if Jade had told her sooner about his feelings? Would she have taken him or shot him down? But now it was too late, and sheâ�™d never know.

â�œSurrenderâ�¦ every word, every thought, every sound

Surrenderâ�¦ every touch, every smile, every frown

Surrenderâ�¦ all the pain weâ�™ve endured until now

Surrenderâ�¦ all the hope I have lost, you have found

Surrenderâ�¦ yourself to me...â�

â�œI think Iâ�™ve found a flower in a field of weeds

I think Iâ�™ve found a flower in a field of weeds

Searching until my hands bleedâ�¦

This flower donâ�™t belong to meâ�¦

I think Iâ�™ve found a flower in a field of weeds

Searching until my hands bleedâ�¦

This flower donâ�™t belong to meâ�¦

Why canâ�™t she belong to me?â�

Was Smith right? Was it not meant to be? And yetâ�¦ Jade knew he could never feel this way for another woman. Kay was the only one for him.

â�œEvery word, every thought, every sound

Every touch, every smile, every frown

All the pain weâ�™ve endured until now

All the hope that I lost, you have found.

â�œSurrenderâ�¦ every word, every thought, every sound

Surrenderâ�¦ every touch, every smile, every frown

Surrenderâ�¦ all the pain weâ�™ve endured until now

Surrenderâ�¦ all the hope I have lost, you have found

Surrenderâ�¦ yourself to me...â�

Jade clutched the pillow closer and squeezed his eyelids tighter. But all he could see was Kay behind his eyelids, smiling radiantly, as if mocking all his false hope.

â�œI never had the nerve to ask.

Has my moment come and passed?

I never had the nerve to ask.

Has my moment come and passed?â�

Two tears escaped the corners of his eyes. Nothingâ�¦ his heartache had all been for nothing.

â�œI never had the nerve to ask.

Has my moment come and passed?â�

â�œI never had the nerve to askâ�¦â�

More tears flowed from his eyes as the last beautiful chord of the song died. He cried silently until the misery wore him out and lulled him into a slumber devoid of peace.

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven: You Smiled As They Whisked You Away

The last weeks of the tour were miserable â�“ at least for Jade. Everyone else was fine. The shows were great, Davey and Chris were still all over each other, good chemistry between the two bandsâ�¦ and Kay was all goo-goo eyes over Gerard. She was so obsessed with him that she didnâ�™t even go out to town with Jade anymore before and after shows. Yes, everyone was happy but Jade. And tonight he was especially miserable.

He was miserable because My Chemical Romance had joined them all for dinner.

Jade kept his eyes glued to his plate to avoid looking at the couple. It nearly killed him to see Kay glowing and happy as he had never seen her, holding the hand of another man. And what did she see in him? Gerard might be better-looking than he was, but he was a phony who pretended wisdom, a vulgar man who had cheated on his girlfriend. He was sure Meg, Gordon and Chris didnâ�™t approve either, but at least they werenâ�™t desperately in love with her like he was.

It didnâ�™t help that that the guys from MCR were there. Jade imagined them patting Gerard on the back, Mikey hugging his brother and saying, â�œFuck, dude, congratulations!â� Across the table, they seemed a wall of opposition to him, holding in the woman he loved in a fortress.

From time to time, Jade would sense Gerard shooting a gloating look of triumph in his direction, but perhaps it was just him. And what would Gerard have to worry about? Kay seemed absolutely besotted with him, excluding her attention from anybody else.

Suddenly, Gerardâ�™s voice broke the loud drone of voices and Jadeâ�™s train of thought. â�œHey, everybody! I have something to say.â� The whole table went silent.

â�œSo, I really wanted a chance to talk to everyone about Kay and me. I know if I wait until after weâ�™re both off tour, Iâ�™ll never get to say this.â� He laced his fingers with Kayâ�™s. Jade dug his nails into his palms.

â�œOoh, Gerard!â� Frank cat-called jokingly. Ray and Bob snickered.

â�œDude, shut up. Well, Kayâ�¦â� he turned to her. â�œLook, weâ�™ve been together for a while, and weâ�™ve had our ups and downs. But you always amaze me â�“ youâ�™re so strong, with all that shit I put you through. So I was thinkingâ�¦â� He reached into his pocket.

A gasp went around the table. Kayâ�™s eyes widened in disbelief. Jadeâ�™s heart jolted to a halt.

â�œKayâ�¦â� Gerard pulled out a small black box.

Please no, please no, thought Jade.

â�œâ�¦ Will you marry me?â� Gerard opened the box, revealing the single diamond ring within.

Kay gasped. â�œOhâ�¦!â� Her hand flew to her heart.

SON OF A BITCH!! Jade wanted to holler, and throw himself across the table and strangle the jackass.

â�œKay?â�

Please say no, please say no, pleaded Jade.

Kay looked from Gerard to the ring, and back. Smiling brilliantly, she replied, â�œOf course I will, Gerard.â�

Jadeâ�™s heart shattered.

~~~~~~~~

Smith stepped onto the tour bus after making sure everyone was together. As the vehicle began to move, he made his way past Adam and Hunter, who were emailing their families on their laptops, to the back of the bus.

As he approached the bunk area, he nearly doubled back at the sight of Davey and Chris, who had already ripped off all their clothing and leapt into Daveyâ�™s bunk. Chrisâ�™s legs were wrapped around Daveyâ�™s colorfully inked body, which was pounding wildly into him. Daveyâ�™s lips moved frantically from Chrisâ�™s parted mouth to his face and his neck, as he made love to the younger man with furious passion.

Smith shook his head. They were creating such a racket, those two, making the walls creak and protest under their passion and filling the entire bus with their groans and screams.

â�œIf youâ�™re going to let everyone know youâ�™re fucking, at least close the curtain,â� he scolded playfully as he walked past.

â�œShit!â� Davey shrieked, and snapped the curtain shut. Smith laughed and kept walking.

He finally reached the back lounge area. His brother was lying on the window seat, staring through the darkened glass panel. One hand rested across his stomach and the other hung listlessly over the seat. His eyes were empty.

Smith sat beside him, not sure what to say. What could he say to Jade? Heâ�™d just had to watch the woman he loved wholeheartedly accept the proposal of another man, and it had wounded him mercilessly. Smith opened his mouth to speak, but Jade spoke first.

â�œSheâ�™s gone, Smithâ�¦ just gone.â�

Smith sighed. â�œIâ�™m sorry, Jade.â� A second slipped by in silence. â�œMaybe she wasnâ�™t the one, Jade. Maybe youâ�™ll find someone else, who isnâ�™t too attached to her ex,â� he added encouragingly.

â�œBut Smithâ�¦ I love her. Iâ�™m in love with her. Thereâ�™s no one in the world like her. Iâ�™d do anything for her, I just wishâ�¦â� Here he trailed off.

And both brothers, lost for words, said no more.

Swallowing the Ocean - Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten: Letâ�™s Leave Unsaid Whatâ�™s Left Unspoken

At breakfast Jade sat incessantly stirring his coffee as his fingers drummed anxiously on the table-top. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Smith glancing at him warily. Around him the two band crews buzzed, making last-minute checks for equipment before they hit the road. In the corner, Davey was trying to make nice with Chris, after a mini-fight theyâ�™d had last night.

Last night Jade had tossed and turned in his bed, managing only to get three hours of sleep. Try as he might, he could not deter his mind from the hotel room upstairs.

â�œWhere is she?â� he heard Meg exclaim. â�œWe leave in an hour!â�

â�œWe actually have two hours,â� replied Jimmy. â�œItâ�™s all cool, Meg. Anyway, Kay probably has to deal withâ�¦ issues.â�

â�œHey, sheâ�™s coming,â� Gordon piped up, from across the table from Jade. His eyes widened. â�œJesus Christ.â�

Jade jerked around in his chair. He felt his heart sink like a stone as his eyes fell on the two figures coming out of the elevator.

Kay and Gerard came closer, and Jade tried to block from his vision Kayâ�™s hand holding Gerardâ�™s. But she couldnâ�™t haveâ�¦He saw Kay turn to Gerard and smile at him with all the love Jade had longed to receive from herâ�¦ and failed to receive.

He turned his back to the pair, as everyoneâ�™s jaws dropped at the sight. The three other Black Diamonds looked especially incredulous. The thought of How could she? was written clearly in their eyes. They could not believe that their lead singer, who had perfect sense and pride, could have taken such a turn and gone back to this man.

Gordon cleared his throat and spoke first. â�œGood morning Kayâ�¦ Gerard.â�

â�œHey,â� the couple replied. The rest of the room murmured their greetings, but the atmosphere remained stinted.

â�œWow, Gerard, this is a surprise,â� said Meg with a thin smile.

Gerard laughed. â�œWell, Iâ�™m full of surprises,â� he replied, putting his arm around Kayâ�™s shoulder. Jade felt his hands clench into fists.

â�œSo, Gerard, will you be sticking around with us today?â� asked Jimmy, attempting to be friendly.

â�œNot today, actually. My Chem has a show to play tomorrow night, and the rest of the guys are waiting for me in New York. But Iâ�™ll come round when I can,â� added Gerard, looking down at Kay affectionately.

â�œCool, coolâ�¦â� Jimmy then stood up and looked around at the rest of the band crew. â�œOkay, you guys want to start loading up?â�

There was a murmur of assent, and people began to stand up and pick up gear and head out. The AFI team followed suit. As Jade hoisted up one of his bags, his chest tightened when he saw Kay standing on tiptoe to kiss Gerardâ�™s lips, her hand on his cheek. He turned away, unable to bear the sight of the couple holding each otherâ�™s hands and making plans and promises in gentle voices.

Jade attempted to slip past the pair, but Kay noticed him. â�œJade! Hey!â�

He reluctantly turned back to her. â�œHi, Kay.â�

â�œHeyâ�¦ Iâ�™m sorry I sorta kicked you out last night. Iâ�¦ it was a weird situation, you know?â�

Jade nodded. â�œItâ�™s okay,â� he replied shortly.

Kay laughed awkwardly. â�œBut you know, everyoneâ�™s happy in the end, right?â�

Behind Kay, Gerard fixed his eyes on Jade. Jade looked briefly back at him, and could definitely detect a small smirk in his mouth. Son of a bitch, he thought. He ought to walk up to him and tear that smirk right off his face.

But he looked back at Kay, her eyes pleading, Please be happy for me?

What could he do? He loved her.

Jamming his white knuckles in his pocket, he forced a smile and said, â�œYes. Iâ�™m happy for you, Kay.â�

~~~~~~~

â�œJade â�“ â� Smith tried to put a hand on his brotherâ�™s shoulder as they boarded the bus.

â�œWhat?!â� exclaimed Jade. He shrugged Smith off and headed inside.

â�œJade, Iâ�™m sorry aboutâ�¦â�

â�œNo, Smith, please. Thatâ�™s not necessary.â� Jade stalked to his bunk.

â�œJade, I know what youâ�™re going to do. Youâ�™re going to blame yourself, make yourself feel terrible, something. Thatâ�™s understandable, but please, talk to me?â�

â�œWhatâ�™s the point?â� Jade snapped. â�œAnd for your information, Iâ�™m not blaming myself. If she wants him, she wants him. Thatâ�™s that. Apparently she thinks that heâ�™s better. What can I do, Smith? You tell me.â� With that he snapped the curtain shut. When he heard Smith sigh and walk off to the front of the bus, he held his pillow to his chest, as if it would alleviate the ache inside.